CB’s House of Porn and Pancakes

“I can resist anything but temptation”

- Oscar Wilde

So it’s been awhile since I’ve written on here, now that the Baseball Season is finally over (I’ll talk about that in another entry) I can look back at the summer that was and take stock…..

- This was a summer of weddings, I had 5 weddings, 2 that were out of town, cool wedding party gifts included Pocket Watches and Baseball Bats

- After all the weddings I’ve been in over the years, this past summer I a) was a best man (well one of 3 best men), got to witness a Hindu ceremony and saw my brother re-marry after being a widow for many years

- Bachelor Parties took me to Vegas, DC, floating, on the float trip we coined the phrase you should live your life by “If you find it in the river, leave it in the river” Thank you Cleetus, you are a true sage.

- Made new friends and was reunited with old friends

- Can mark off West Virginia from my list of states I hadn’t visited yet, not sure if we are welcome back (Check earlier post)

- Made the Pilgrimage to Cooperstown, NY with my dad, brothers and brother-in-law, incredible trip! Cardinals were well represted there

- Made it to Boston to visit Southy, while in Boston:

1)Went to Fenway Park, drank entirely to much, the park is very cool, very much old school baseball. One major draw back, no beer vendors in the stands, that’s about as un-American as the Designated Hitter……… (yeah, I said it) Saw Timlin relief pitch for the Sox, I said “Hey I know that dude, he was a Cardinal”, just then Timlin gave up a home run that lost the lead, I then said “Now I remember why we let him go!” Saw a Home Run over the Green Monster, also saw Big Papi pinch hit. Met some of Southy’s friends, one was a Mets fan, we talked about how the Mets will probably beat whoever they face for the NLCS, how if the Cardinals keep this up, they won’t make the playoffs………. ah, funny looking back on it…… The Mets fan’s cousin was there, he was a Yankees fan that loved pushing Southy’s buttons about how NY was going to beat Boston in everything, I didn’t jump into the debate, I’m on vacation…… Good people though, talked mostly about sports all night. Ended up at Jillian’s/Lucky Strike after the game, though had difficulty finding it, flagged a cab down, the cabbie pointed and said “It’s right over there.” Oh, stupid beer!

2) Got to hit Little Italy, didn’t need my little passport. While there the waiter looked to me for everything, what to order for both of us, what wine we wanted, WHY ARE YOU FOCUSING ON ME?!? Classic was the Sox game was on behind me, Southy was watching that while I was getting the Cardinals score text to me, yeah, yeah, we are geeks……..

3) Took the Duck Boat Tour, awesome time. Ended up at the Science Museum after that, my saying the whole time “Learning is fun!” That’s also when I found out the Cardinals made the playoffs!

4) Slept on an inflatable bed, it kept deflating over the course of the night, I think Southy gives guests that bed just to mess with them. Woke up in the middle of the night almost ended up on the floor/cat, never good a good situation when you’ve been drinking

5) Went to the Sam Adams Brewery Tour, worst 30 minutes of my life, well not really, but ithe tour was only that long, though the free beer was cool! Wasn’t much to it and they should have just said “We aren’t AB and don’t strive to be” The wanna be House of Pain guys made for an interesting time…….

6) Got to have authentic Chow-Dur, good stuff! And saw Trinity Church, which was amazing

Beantown was a good time!

Thursday rolls around, the night before I had to leave for the wedding in Ohio/West Virginia, I had to run some errands after work, mainly get my Tux. I had heard horror stories from others that had picked up there tux, Tex told me he got his tux, his jacket was a 58, keep in mind he is about 5′8″ and has a 32″ waist……. The tux fits fine, it just took me an hour to get out of there, 2 dressing rooms, a guy in each room, I don’t know what the hell they were doing nor do I want to know…….. Out of there, head home, pack and get a call from Tex, he wants to meet up, I tell him me and Panda are heading to Bar Louie because “I have to take it easy tonight, early and long day tomorrow.” (Sidenote: Tex is on the same flight as me) So Tex meets me at Bar Louie with blondie (they’ve gone out a couple of times), a girl he had met at my pool party, that is a friend of a friend. Sebastian shows up also. Panda decided to bail because he had a long day. So me and Sebastian notice Tex and Blondie are pretty toasty already, I was drinking Effen and Red Bull, enjoying the night. Tex would look at me and say “I’m going to get f’d up this weekend!” and high five me. Later on he would burt out “Wait until Manger sees us, he LOVES us!” (this went on all night, each time he said it, he slurred a little more) I knew it was going to be one of those nights………

I send out a text to see where people are, there’s a group at Bar Italia for International Night, I finally am able to round up the crew and go across the street. It’s hella packed! Hard to move through, looked for the group that was there, they had left. Ran into my brother by another mother (we have the exact first and last name), Blondie tried to introduce me to him, I inform her that he is infact “my brother by another mother.” Outside we find The Pimp, whose cousins own Bar Italia, hang out on the patio with him. He leaves for awhile, so it’s just me, Sebastian, Tex and Blondie. So Blondie asks Tex about his masters he just got and then asks me and Sebastian if we had our masters. We reply no and she tells us we need to get our masters because “that’s what employers look for.” Valid except in our field, IT, in IT it really doesn’t make sense, experience and certs make you more marketable, not a masters. I told her “For me to get my masters, it would be a waste of time.” We go back and forth a bit, some how Sebastian works in a comment “Yeah, well I don’t like your purse.” She gets up and walks off. Me and Sebastian were like WTF? Tex gets her, brings her back and she informs me “I’m pissed at you” staring at me…… At first I thought she was kidding, so I said she was, she wasn’t and about to cry, whoops. She informs me that her mom has her masters and is having a hell of a time finding a job, etc. So I’m thinking “Motherf’r, her mom is in IT and that’s why she’s freaking out……” So I ask what her what her mom does, she said “Teaches and counseling.” So then I explained that it made sense for her mom to have her masters because that’s a way to get ahead in that field, in my field it doesn’t make sense. So then she about breaks out in tears saying I don’t know what I’m talking about and how I’m conceited and if I’m going to be that way she is going to talk about her “billionaire friends that have helicopters.” Some how me saying getting my masters would be a waste of time because I’m in IT evolved into her mom wasted her time getting her masters……… Finally we all just apologized (I wasn’t sure why I did, it was just to get her to stop crying and I was in fact, the asshole) and we went on with the night. By then it was near closing time. This random girl walks up to our table and asks for a light. Blondie gives her some matches and we talk to girl. She starts harping on St Louis saying the city sucks, etc and can’t hold anything to San Diego. I’ve been to San Diego, it’s a cool town, but hella expensive……. I tell her I live around here and it’s a cool area. She says she lives near the beach in San Diego. I ask, “Well if you hate this town so much, why are you here?” She says she is a mortgage broker for National City, who has made a big push into St Louis. She asks if anyone needs to refinance, I tell her I am going to sell my place next year, she asks how much equity I have in my place, I tell her “I’ve been there for 4 yrs and it’s up to the mortgage people to figure that out……” She says I can call her at work, just ask for Lisa……. Yeah, I’m sure there’s only one Lisa that works for National City…….. So Tex decides to invite the random girl to sit down with us (cause she has a gi-normous chest and a tattoo on her lower back that goes kidney to kidney almost) and starts talking to her almost exclusively. This did not sit well with blondie, she just takes off. Tex realized the error of his ways…… By then it was to late. She was gone and we had to go. Outside Bar Italia we run into Cook, talk to him for a bit. We see Random Girl getting into her car, so Cook and his friend go over to talk to her. Random girl tells us she is going to Bucca and “can get us in.” Wow, you can get us into a bar on the landing, catch me, I’m going to fall over I’m that impressed……. I see she has a kids seat in the back seat of her car and that pretty much kills the fantasy for me…… I look up and I think I see Tex’s girl, Blondie in the middle of the street walking, Sebastian agrees, that’s her, so Tex runs over, throws his arms around her, looks right in her eyes and realizes that is not Blondie, but a dead ringer……… whoops.

It was at that point I decided to call it a night……….

Booze + People Drinking = Blog Content!

Tuesday Night: Me and AJ went to a wine party in the Lucas Lofts, pretty cool event, post party we ended up at Lucas Park, the least favorite bar of mine since Cheshire closed…. So we were sitting at a big table in a bar post wine party, me and my buddy AJ were talking to a couple of people, somehow the subject golf comes up, this girl across the table pipes in “DO anyone of you actually play golf?” She points to the girl we were talking to, she said no, AJ said he tries, I said “In a previous life, yes, I haven’t played in years” She asks where I played, I told her, she said “I’ve never heard of that”, she comes over, gets in my face about how I don’t really play golf, told her my handicap back in the day was a 15, she said good golfers don’t have handicaps, I said “It’s clear you don’t know squat about golf.” She gets flustered and says “Are you single?” Yes I say. “Wow surprise there” she says. With out missing a beat I reply “With girls like you out there, it’s not a surprise at all.” The look on her face was priceless. I told her “Your wine and your chair are over there, I recommend you go there, you won’t win this one….” For whatever reason I was the focus that night. Made for an interesting night to say the least……..

Saturday: Went to the Cards game, it was an emotional rollercoaster of starting out us down 6-0 by the 3rd, tying it, get behind by a run, tying it again, blowing bases loaded with no outs, then losing the game because of Izzy… So post-game we head to a bar called The Shamrock to drown our sorrows. L knew one of the bartenders so we headed there. Cool place, it had been redone and looked good. Hanging out with L, Harris and Stiffy, Hammel stumbled in with his cousin. They were 8 sheets to the wind. They order some drinks, drink them quickly, order another round. The other bartender (not L’s friend) puts ice in their drink glasses, fills the glasses half up with Jack and before adding coke, walks to the end of the bar, sits down and starts talking to some dude. WTF? Thankfully L’s friend comes to the rescue. Never seen that before. We finish our drinks, me, Hammel, Stiffy and Hammel’s cousin head to Lefty’s for one more. Leaving Lefty’s me and Stiffy walk up Broadway towards the stadium, as I parked there and he parked a few blocks away. Walking past BB’s this drunken idiot falls out of the entrance with a bottle of beer in his hand, stops us to see where we are going. “Calling it a night we say.” He asked where we are from, I said the city, he said what part, I said CWE. He said “Only fags live there.” I told him straight people live there, the guy was just say “yeah, whatever.” I hadn’t had enough booze to say anything as this jack-ass who was looking for a fight, plus I really bit my tongue on telling him Soulard has about the same number of gay bars the CWE does……. I turn and start to walk away, Stiffy says something so the guy chases us down, neither of us would bite on his barbs, so we turn and walk away and he says “GFY” We just kept walking. We both agreed, he has ruby red shoes at home, he’s a friend of Dorothy……… Thinking I’m done with the drunks downtown, I get to the parking, one last drunken encounter, some dude at the other end of the garage starting yelling “Edmonds, you the man!” (I was wearing my Edmonds jersey) Kept walking but the dude was starting to come my direction, so I quickly got into my car and got the hell out of there………. Must have been a full moon…..

So let me set this up, having a convo with one of my friends about a girl we both know. This girl is quite attractive I think, his opinion was different.

Here’s the gist of the convo:

Name Removed to Protect Manhood: She’s cute, not hot, she wears to much makeup
Me: WTF?
Name Removed to Protect Manhood: Seriously, the other night, she was wearing to much makeup, tonight she wasn’t wearing much and she looks a lot sexier
Me: Are you a woman? What guy says that??
Name Removed to Protect Manhood: I’m just saying……….
Me: You watch the Home and Garden Network don’t you? So next you are going to say Boy George wore to much makeup and that’s why Culture Club tanked??
Name Removed to Protect Manhood: This is going to end up in your blog isn’t it?

So last night was Paul Oakenfold at Velvet. I’ve seen Oaky many times in the past, he always puts on a good show and is quite the entertainer…….. The only thing I hate is when he does his little “Oakey is God” bit during his set…… but still, he’s a showman….. Well me and Big Mac head to Pepper Lounge to meet everyone before heading to Velvet. There was a ridiculous amount of tail running around there! Maybe it was because of the fashion show, regardless, it was outstanding! Looking for my one buddy, find him, he’s housed! (His name will remain out of the blog, but I will pick a code name not to reveal his identity, I’ll call him Cosmo Boy, no, that’s to obivious…… I’ll just call him drunk ass…….) I mean drunk ass is 8 sheets to the wind…….. Talking to his girlfriend (now will be known as, not drunk), I said some innocent things to her, the statements that would haunt me would be:

- What did you do to him? (refering to drunkass) He is wasted!
- Are you going to Oakenfold? Her reply “No, he doesn’t go on until 1am, but drunkass is” (Keep in mind, this is a normal convo, seeing he’s a CLUB promoter…… that’s like someone asking if I’m going to the boat or to poker…… it’s a given)

Well drunkass stumbles off for a bit, doesn’t come right back, so not drunk decides to leave because she had to work tomorrow…….. Drunkass stumbles by, I say let’s go to Velvet because Sebastian is parking outside. The other irishman Big Mac had just finished his drink and was ready to go. Drunkass says he needs to say good bye to not drunk, I informed him that she left…… so drunkass decides to call her, drunk. Here’s how the convo went:

Him: Says something
Her: You are drunk
Him: No I am not! (slurring words and holding on to a tree for support outside Pepper Lounge)
Her: You are to! CHRIS said so! (me gets thrown infront of the bus on that one, in my defense, if you had talked to drunk ass for 2 seconds or saw him walk, you would realize he was drunk)
Him: Says something, somehow Oakenfold comes up, he claims that he is drunk and is just going to go home (eventhough he told her earlier that he was going to Oakenfold to get us in all in for free)
Her: CHRIS said YOU are going to Velvet (well the bus has run over me, I can now hear the beep beep as it is now backing up to finish me off)

Finally drunk ass hangs up the phone and begins whining on how I wrecked his relationship, how I’m a home wrecker, etc. Then on top of that, it continued for most of the night…. Asking everyone he ran into, told the scenerio but then told people how I should have lied to cover it up for him…….. (this comes from the guy that lied about my lie I tell to strippers, creating more lies I have to keep track of……. oh come on, they are dead on the inside…..) My whole thing was this, in no way did I reveal any dark secrets, it wasn’t like I told her we were going to go to the east side or that we were going to get some hookers…… And he told her that he was going to get us in………. Again, HE’s A CLUB PROMOTER…… Didn’t seem out of the ordinary to mention Oakenfold………

Fast forward to the show, good times, drunk ass only stayed for a bit and then left……… Oakey put on a good set, I’ve seen better, but he didn’t play his old staples, which was nice that he didn’t just rely on that……….. Hernan Cannetto was awesome!!! Never had seen him live and did an impressive set! Got home around 2am, ears ringing and an interesting night behind me…..

Classic! All it is missing is a feathered mullet, a t-topped Iroc and Foreigner playing in the background…….

http://sleazyisms.blogspot.com/

So I’m in line at the local Schnuck’s, getting a birthday card for my Sister in Law, I walk up, give the cashier my card for her to ring up, keep in mind, I was under the gun time wise, and the lady behind the counter rang up the card and then proceeded to read the card on the outside and inside……. She commented on how funny it was and then started to ask me about who I was getting the card for, are they are Fourth of July baby, etc. etc. Then started to tell me about her life story and generally just going on….. I wasn’t trying to be rude, when you don’t have a lot of time, it’s kind of like a stripper, they serve a purpose, I really don’t want the Behind the Music story……… To quote Stiffler from American Wedding “I don’t care, can’t you just dance for me!” I was cordial, paid her and got the hell out of there! Happy Fourth!

“We smoke cigarettes when we shoot the bird……..” - Ur

“How can I sleep when Assisted Living Dracula is on???” - Master Shake