CB’s House of Porn and Pancakes

So the weekend rolled around and it has been some time since I’ve written this, my weekend started on Thursday with viewing the NCAA kick off at Skybox. Watching the games, my brackets were essentially in tact and I was a happy camper, plus I had the ribs there, they were good and the sauce Nelly had help create, really good, not quite Memphis, but still pretty damn good.

Friday arrives, I head to Mandarin for the Big D CD Release Party, I meet Bones, Vince and Co up there. My last night really of not drinking, so I stick to water because well I’ve had enough Sprite that week to sink the frickin’ Titanic. I meet one of Vince’s co-workers, this girl finds out I gave up drinking for Lent, she decides she will make me drink that night by being sly, when I would start to talk, she would try to ram her beer bottle in my mouth, it never worked and I ended up wearing half of the beers…. Being a good wing man, I’m chatting with her friend, she mentions how she feels old, so I ask how old she is (I know, I know, I’m never suppose to ask a lady how old she is, but hey, I wasn’t drinking, I had to entertain myself somehow). 23 she says. Shit I think. She asks how old I am. I ask how old she thinks I am. 26 she says. (sidenote, other 23 and 24 yr old girls I’ve met lately all think I’m 26) Nope. 28? Nope. 29??? Nope? 30?!? Nope. 32?!?!?!?!?!? Yup. She then says, “Oooh, you don’t look 32.” More banter goes on, more beer spills on me as Drunky McDrunk the co-worker keeps trying to pour beer in my mouth, suddenly we see a guy talking to a girl, the guy is on crutches and is missing a leg. I think nothing of it, but the 23 yr old says to me “I could never have sex with a guy with one leg.” Half paying attention “Uh, what?!?” She goes on to say “I wouldn’t know which leg he is putting in me” I made some comment about “Well that’s why you leave the lights on….” Then Drunky McDrunk co-worker chimes in with “I don’t care what is it is, as long as it’s big and hard” I could really use a drink right about now. So over the course of the night I proceed to lose everyone, usually this only happens to me at Mardi Gras, after drinking for 8 hrs, but this night I’m sober and hadn’t moved from where we were….. I run into Cosmo Boy, he’s feeling pretty good, he wants to find Vince and figure out where to go when Mandarin closes. So we end up by the DJ booth, find Vince, find out the 23 yr old and the Drunky McDrunk co-worker left. By this point Vince is slightly inebriated, he got his tab and it was $78, $92 with tip. He was trying to make out what he was charged for, hands me the receipt and says “Here, you are sober, you can read this” Going through the drinks listed he says “Ok, I did order all of those…..” We wander around for a bit, Cosmo Boy orders 2 drinks, hands them to me and tells me to give them to two girls standing near by, so I do, turns out he knew them. We stop and talk to them. Vince joins us, Cosmo Boy wanders off. Vince talking to the one girl, so I try to talk to the other girl. That girl did not want anything to do with me or I’d wager didn’t want to be there in general. She gave me one word answers and kept looking away. Vince leaves to go to the bathroom, the girl he was talking to said, wait here, I’ll be right back. Damnit! So I’m stuck with this girl that isn’t a happy camper and I’m sober, God hates me. So I send a text to Vince and Cosmo Boy that says “You guys suck! Thanks for leaving me with the uninterested one!” Thankfully her friend came back, they said they were going to walk around, I head to find Vince and Cosmo Boy, no luck, it’s wall to wall people and it’s near closing time. So I decide to bail, send those two a text telling them I’m heading out, will catch up with them tomorrow. Cosmo Boy text me back saying he was talking to a girl I had met a few weeks ago at a Red Bull party and she was asking about me, as it turns out, she was asking about me and Vince in general, but by this point I was outside and walking home……

Saturday I was supposed to play in the Back to the Cause Trivia Night but I couldn’t get a team together, so what do I do instead doing a charity event, I go to the boat, Lumiere actually to meet up with Cosmo Boy and Vince. I had a good run at Roulette and doubled my money, it was before midnight so I hit the refreshment center and got my free Sprite, it was free this time, it hadn’t cost me $150 this time………. Cosmo Boy got a text from a rep he works with, she was at PT’s Sports Cabaret watching midget wrestling, damnit, I didn’t get the memo that was going on….. So to celebrate my accomplishment, after midnight rolled around, I had a Red Bull and vodka, I toasted my friends to the end of Lent, took a sip of the Red Bull, looked at the drink and said, “I missed you”

So this Lent I’ve decided my sacrafice will be giving up alcohol. Much to my friend’s heckling and disbelief, I will go the 44 days without drinking. How do I know this? Well I did this a couple years ago, I went the full distance and I could drink on my birthday. I love when people asked “Why do you do this??” I don’t know, let’s see he died on the cross for us, it will make me a better person, etc.
Last weekend brought my old roommate in town, TBFKAP and his wife. His wife was going to take the bar on Tuesday, while he worked from the St Louis office. TBFKAP was staying at the WS, most of you don’t know or remember, we were supposed to live there when it opened about 6 years ago, but the developer screwed us over and we moved to the Parc Frontenac. Fast Forward to today, that developer is in jail for fraud and the WS is in bankruptacy. It was once cool, but now is a shell of what is used to be. It’s clean, that’s about it. He was on the top floor, lots of ceiling tiles missing and leaks in the hallway during the rain storms……..

So Saturday night I meet up with TBFKAP and Mrs. TBFKAP and A&A for dinner at PF Chang’s. I was talking to A and he asked if I wanted a drink from the bar. I look him in the eyes and tell him I can’t drink for awhile, I got a DWI………. The look on his face was priceless……. I then started to laugh and said I had given up drinking for Lent…….. Post dinner Mr and Mrs TBFKAP head to Mandarin with me. Waiting in line, the group ahead of us were getting antsy, trying to get the bouncer’s attention, name dropping, etc. Me, I text Cosmo Boy, he comes down, jumps us ahead of the line and into the elevator to Mandarin. It was packed there, MTV was fliming for their “Hot Clubs in the US show”, Cosmo Boy was already 5 drinks deep, said he was going for 10, big night for him! We were standing in the back bar area, the camera crew came through filming, some girl showing off for the camera starts to break it down for the camera, she harpoons my ankle with her spiked heel and then when she steps down the heel goes into my shoe, not poking a hole, it went into the gap between my sock and the shoe wall……. Her bf or guy wisihing he was her bf said “Do you want to throw down??” Whatever happened to hanging out, drinking and oggling at girl’s enhanced chests?? Kids today……

Mr and Mrs TBFKAP left, Sabasten shows up, Cosmo Boy tells us we are going to Pepper because “We are going to be rock stars tonight” he hoists his drink, it spills a little, I know I’m in for a blog worthy night……… He says “Meet at the DJ booth in 20 mins” He comes by in about 3 mins and says “Meet at the DJ booth in 5 mins, no, 3 mins, I going to invite some stunners for Pepper, we are going to be Rock Stars.” I’m the auto DD as I’m just drinking Red Bull that night. On to Pepper, we end up at the Tikki Bar out back, which the girl behind the bar is nortorious for not paying attention to the customers, even Cosmo Boy experiences that……. We get our drinks, turn around, Cosmo Boy is gone, 2 girls near us talk to us for a little bit before they head back to the dance area. I look up in the VIP and see Cosmo Boy dancing up a drunken storm near the DJ booth, I text him, he gets us up there. Hanging up there I realize that I’m the only sober person up there. One girl in particular, I guess it was her bday, she was wearing a crown, was dancing around. Her dress had a V cut and her lovely lady lumps kept flopping out, oh to be 21 again……. and that is one classy broad! The people watching that night was outstanding! Post Pepper we go to Nectar briefly, by this time Cosmo Boy was 9 drinks deep and was telling everyone that fact……. Post Nectar, I take the drunken idiots to Steak ‘n Shake in Maplewood, because you can sit down inside, on Hampton it’s drive thru only…… Sitting there Cosmo Boy was going on and on about some girl named E, that he was trying to set up with another friend, but that guy didn’t like her, so he went on and on to me about her. How I should call her, etc. One problem, never met the girl, from what I gathered, she’s cute and lives in Soulard, that’s all Cosmo Boy would emphasize, it was actually comical. Then he started with Sabastin about some girl named A, he had at least met this girl……. Ah Cosmo Boy, the drunken Match Maker…….. Had some food, dropped them off and was home around 4am, even when booze isn’t involved it’s still late nights……

So the plan for about 15 of us was to decend down to Dallas for New Year’s to GQ’s house. 10 made it, five of us got stranded in St Louis thanks to American Airlines and mother nature. Apparently Dallas is in the midst of a 2 yr drought but that day they got hit with huge thunderstorms, heavy rain, lightning, tornado warnings, etc. Most of the later flights were canceled. Before they announced our flight was canceled, they told us they were flying a plane up from DFW to pick us up and fly us to Love Field. So to kill time I brought Jackass Number Two, that killed the dull moments until the gate agent gets on the intercom and says “The flight has been canceled, no other flights are available due to the New Year’s holiday, the earliest we could get out is possibly Sunday, but more like Monday. The hotels are all full, we can’t help you, it’s best if you just leave.” Taken back we go get our luggage and head to the link to take the train back to the CWE. Back at my place, Sebastian combs the internet looking for any flight to get down to see dancing queen, while Dr KFO talked to an unsympathetic AA customer service rep who essentially said “We don’t care, here’s your refund.” We watched the rest of Jackass and headed to Syberg’s. Sebastian found a flight on Southwest and flew out the next morning. Me, I sent a text out to everyone saying “In St Louis, American Airlines sucks.” Got a flurry of texts back and calls. Cosmo Boy gave me the hook up at Mandarin, worked perfect it was right up the street. He also said they are going to Nectar, A was going to be there and to come by and say hi. The next day I called AA customre service line to get my money back, told the lady “Every time I fly you guys with the exception of once, it was the worst experience of my life. I gave her several examples and she apologized, I got my money back, but that was it.” The normal tradition of NYE Day lunch was thought to be skipped this year as everyone but me and Farns were here. Farns convinces me to go and keep the tradition alive, so 4 or 5 yrs running now……

NYE Night starts off at Mandarin, I get there, wandering through the crowd, run into a group of friends I hadn’t seen in a long time, funny sidenote when they walked in they said “I wonder if CB will be here?” Talked to them for awhile, went over to Cosmo Boy’s section, hung out with everyone, was drinking double, seeing triple, midnight rolls around, the lady next to me plants one on me at midnight, as she walks away, my buddy leans over and tells me, “That was the playmate of the year from 1986……” My first thought “I was 11 when she posed, awe-some!” Everyone needs a cougar story……. A quick shuttle ride down to Nectar, find A, wish her a happy new year, hang out with her most of the night, she leaves as the bar is clearing out. I’m hanging out with Cosmo Boy and some others, the bouncer tells Cosmo Boy that one of his friends is at the door, he goes to the door, looks back and yells “CB, take care of this” In stumbles one of my friends, Bagger, bloody face, tie and shirt a mess. I said “Holy crap, what happened??” The bouncer said “He fell” I left it at that. I take him to the bathroom to clean him up, the one owner came in to check on him, apparently Bagger outside was yelling he was going to sue the place, etc, etc. We call Bagger’s girl, whom he lost next door, apparently he was pretty drunk and she was avoiding him. We find her, get them in a cab and send them on their um way….. I talked to the owners, said “Don’t worry, he’s one of my fraternity brothers, he’s drunk, he doesn’t know what he is saying” They ask what fraternity I was in. I tell them, turns out they are in the same one, different chapter, even funnier they were part of the chapter that helped install ours originally….. Small world. So I text Bagger all that. He said the next day at the time he felt like an ass, when he got my text he felt like a bigger ass…….. Shuttle shows up, I go home and pass out around 4am, good times, my boys in Dallas were still going………..

A week or so later Bagger had a party to celebrate getting his master’s, Cosmo Boy told me that he can do the after party at Pepper if he likes…….

So Friday brings last minute tickets to the Cards game. I round up the usual suspects, G4, Cosmo Boy and AJ. I was late getting to the Berg, we head to the game, we missed the parade of Cardinals, the 1985 Cardinals, but we saw most of it on TV while at the Berg. We head to the stadium and make a b-line for the Kosher Hot Dog stand, why Kosher dogs do you ask? Well it’s guaranteed to be 100% beef…….. While waiting in line, I was explaining to Cosmo Boy what the kosher dogs were, when the lady infront of us looked at Cosmo Boy and said “Well you can still have one……” I guess she thought he was Muslim or of Jewish decent…. A kosher dog, some beers and a Pujols Grand Slam later, the game rocked! The sixth inning brought out McGwire to pull down the number…… Welcome to the Jungle pipes over the sound system, Big Mac finally emerges, wife and kid in tow, no self respecing person could boo a man with his young son…. For me, I couldn’t boo….. I had grown up a Cardinal fan, but lost interest after 1994, I would follow them, but not like I do know…….. Summer of ‘98 rekindled my fire for baseball and I will always look fondly on that time and the home run race…. Post game we head back to Syberg’s. Cosmo Boy was jonsing to go east, said he could get us into the Penthouse VIP Room. A quick stop to Maplewood to an intoxicated Frankiefrau to get the passes, we were off to the races or lap dances, depending on how you look at it…….. Me, Cosmo Boy and Stiffy arrive at Penthouse, get into the VIP room. Sebastian shows up shortly there after…… We were there for about an hour and a half, Stiffy heads home, we go next door. On the way in, Cosmo Boy says “Look at the board, find your girl and do your business.” I thought he was kidding, but no, he really looks at the board in the DJ booth to see who’s working…… Disturbing……….. Anyway, those go to make a lap (not get one), I sit down in a chair near a stage, not at a stage. A dancer walks over, asks if I want a table dance and the skit from Chris Rock pops into my head, I say sure. (Got to help out the local economy…..) She does her dance, asks if I want a private for a reduced price, I say sure, it’s like finding a dvd set on sale, you can’t pass it up………. On the way back to the private area she said I looked really familiar, but she couldn’t place where she knew me from. I knew exactly who she was, but wanted to see if she remembered me……. the convo went:

Her: Have I danced for you before?
Me: No
Her: You look REALLY familiar, how do I know you?
Me: What’s your name?
Her: Meme (Pronounced Me Me)
Me: I’m Chris (waiting to see if that jogged her memory)
Me: (finally breaking down) You know how you know me, my good friend dated your friend…..
Her: OMG, that’s right! You were out with us the night we had the limo and went bar hopping…..
Me: Yup
Her: Yeah, I probably different, I paid for these boobs and I’m proud to say that!
Me: Good for you!
*****In private area now********
Her: I can’t wait, I’m starting school soon
Me: For what?
*****She goes on to explain she’s going to get her associates degree so she can quit stripping***
Her: My 8 yr old loves me, she wants to be just like me, which is cool, except I don’t want her to be a stripper……….
Me: (thinking) Ackward……..

***Song Ends***

We head out and grab a burger for the road, home by 3am, smelling of cotton candy

So last night was Paul Oakenfold at Velvet. I’ve seen Oaky many times in the past, he always puts on a good show and is quite the entertainer…….. The only thing I hate is when he does his little “Oakey is God” bit during his set…… but still, he’s a showman….. Well me and Big Mac head to Pepper Lounge to meet everyone before heading to Velvet. There was a ridiculous amount of tail running around there! Maybe it was because of the fashion show, regardless, it was outstanding! Looking for my one buddy, find him, he’s housed! (His name will remain out of the blog, but I will pick a code name not to reveal his identity, I’ll call him Cosmo Boy, no, that’s to obivious…… I’ll just call him drunk ass…….) I mean drunk ass is 8 sheets to the wind…….. Talking to his girlfriend (now will be known as, not drunk), I said some innocent things to her, the statements that would haunt me would be:

- What did you do to him? (refering to drunkass) He is wasted!
- Are you going to Oakenfold? Her reply “No, he doesn’t go on until 1am, but drunkass is” (Keep in mind, this is a normal convo, seeing he’s a CLUB promoter…… that’s like someone asking if I’m going to the boat or to poker…… it’s a given)

Well drunkass stumbles off for a bit, doesn’t come right back, so not drunk decides to leave because she had to work tomorrow…….. Drunkass stumbles by, I say let’s go to Velvet because Sebastian is parking outside. The other irishman Big Mac had just finished his drink and was ready to go. Drunkass says he needs to say good bye to not drunk, I informed him that she left…… so drunkass decides to call her, drunk. Here’s how the convo went:

Him: Says something
Her: You are drunk
Him: No I am not! (slurring words and holding on to a tree for support outside Pepper Lounge)
Her: You are to! CHRIS said so! (me gets thrown infront of the bus on that one, in my defense, if you had talked to drunk ass for 2 seconds or saw him walk, you would realize he was drunk)
Him: Says something, somehow Oakenfold comes up, he claims that he is drunk and is just going to go home (eventhough he told her earlier that he was going to Oakenfold to get us in all in for free)
Her: CHRIS said YOU are going to Velvet (well the bus has run over me, I can now hear the beep beep as it is now backing up to finish me off)

Finally drunk ass hangs up the phone and begins whining on how I wrecked his relationship, how I’m a home wrecker, etc. Then on top of that, it continued for most of the night…. Asking everyone he ran into, told the scenerio but then told people how I should have lied to cover it up for him…….. (this comes from the guy that lied about my lie I tell to strippers, creating more lies I have to keep track of……. oh come on, they are dead on the inside…..) My whole thing was this, in no way did I reveal any dark secrets, it wasn’t like I told her we were going to go to the east side or that we were going to get some hookers…… And he told her that he was going to get us in………. Again, HE’s A CLUB PROMOTER…… Didn’t seem out of the ordinary to mention Oakenfold………

Fast forward to the show, good times, drunk ass only stayed for a bit and then left……… Oakey put on a good set, I’ve seen better, but he didn’t play his old staples, which was nice that he didn’t just rely on that……….. Hernan Cannetto was awesome!!! Never had seen him live and did an impressive set! Got home around 2am, ears ringing and an interesting night behind me…..