CB’s House of Porn and Pancakes

So this past weekend was TT’s bachelor party in Chicago. Now this was a pretty momentous occasion as  about 27 of us were going on this party that was heading non-stop right to hell via all the debauchery that was going to ensue…… So sit back, get comfortable, you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll say WTF and most assuredly you’ll just read this in disbelief…….

This was a trip I was looking forward to, TT’s Last Stand. The week had flew along for me, I had been getting my liver preped for this seeing I had given up booze for Lent, I had to put it through a crash course training to get back to pre-Lent condition. Wednesday I hit the Cardinal Game, Thursday I went out with JM, she wanted to take me out for drinks as a belated bday celebration, cause I hadn’t celebrated enough…. Friday rolls around, I’m a bit deshelved from the previous night’s libations, I get through work and have to go to the airport, catch my flight on my newly inspected MD 80 to O’Hare. I damn near miss my flight thanks to the traffic and the fact people can’t drive in rain. I land at O’Hare, get my bag, even though they said it will be at Carousel 8, it was actually at 4, but 4 was labeled Miami. (Remember that point, I’ll come back to that later) So I walk out of O’Hare and look for the cab stand. I see a sign that says Taxi and the arrow pointing to the left, so I follow the arrow, I go a distance, no cabs, I look up and see another sign saying Taxi and it’s pointing to the right. Son of a…… I should have listened to
Mitch Hedberg

“I fuckin’ hate arrows, man. They try to tell me which direction to go. It’s like, “Fuck you, I ain’t goin’ that way, line with two-thirds of a triangle on the end!” Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow? That would suck; an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. “Hey, look at that dead guy… Let’s go that way.”

So anyway back to the story, the arrows were bouncing me back and forth like a frick’n tennis ball, this guy stops me and said in a heavy accent, “You need taxi sir?” Yes I say, he said follow me, no wait. So it was like frogger crossing the road to the parking garage, I go with this guy to the second floor, my thought is, well there’s cameras around, so I doubt this guy would try to rob me, but I swear to God if he has something like a Carola I’m outta here…. I see his car, it’s one of those executive town cars, big plush leather seats and bottled water. So I get in, if I’m going to die, might as well be in a fancy car. I take the car to our condo that we had rented. Yes that’s right, roughly 13 people staying in a 3000 sq ft condo in Lake View. I roll up to the condo, pay the guy, it turns out my ride was cheaper than a taxi from Midway, I rule! I call AJ and ask him where the key is, since they are all out boozing, he says it’s under the potted plant with flowers. So I walk what I thought was behind the condo, opps, I was next door, I go around to the back of our condo, it’s like a frickin’ shell game, 3 pots of flowers, all are full of dead plants, I lift up the first 2, one pot left, God I hope I have the right place….. Victory is mine! I found the key. I open up the front door and walk in. I kept thinking, I hope this is the right place…. I see a rocking horse, a buffet with 2 stuffed pigs, 2 Jesus bears, a large print bible and a book, Memories of Khrushchev, completely random I know….. I see some beer cans littered around the place, well maybe this is the place… I go to the back kitchen, I see a box of cupcakes, scratch that, naked lady cupcakes. The box has a note that says it was from his mom, now that is frick’n awesome! I wait for Timmy and TR to get there. AJ calls me and says “Hey Timmy and TR are heading to the condo, you might want to talk to them before you leave to meet up with us” I said I just talked to them, I’ll wait for them to show up and then head over. He then repeats the same sentence, I explain again how I just talked to them, will wait for them to arrive and then head over. Oh boy, I have a lot of catching up to do. The two guys arrive, we hope a cab and head to Wrigleyville, destination, Slugger’s. We show up, the group is about to leave, they say there’s 100 guys and 3 girls, just then I see 3 girls leave, 2 Beers says “And there go the girls.” We head to Victory Liquors, sweet bar! It was $5 Miller High Life 40oz night. E orders up oh about 20 of them for everyone…. Oh, this is going to be one of those nights… So we are hanging out, doing shots, That Guy shows up, he had been drinking since about 4pm and it was about 11pm, damn that’s impressive! That Guy had some good quotes, one he said was “You don’t like me do you? It’s because I’m white isn’t it?”  Classic. 40 is done, shots are next, I order a captain and coke, no captain the guy says, he says we have something close to it and it costs $3, sold! A few trips to the dance floor, the night was cruising along. I caught up with most of them drinking wise. 2 Beers told me a girl that some that her friends were talking to some of our guys is “The female you, the Brennan of Chicago” She didn’t want anything to do with me, that’s ok, I usually don’t want anything to do with me either…. Victory closes, so we are outside trying to determine what we are going to do next. This is where the night gets weird. A few Ole, Ole, Ole, OOOOOOOOOOOOOLE! cheers in the middle of the street, we decide to go to Nick’s Uptown. We try to flag down a cab to no avail. Part of the group gets lucky and gets a cab. We see a cab up the street, flag it down, but 2 guys jump in it. That Guy was mad, and punches the hood of the cab. The cabby slams on the brakes and starts yelling at us in a heavy accent “Mother Fucker! I will kill you, you son of a bitch!” He just kept saying that, the cab pulls away, hey, it’s TR and Timmy in the back of the cab, whoops……. So waiting around, we try flagging down another cab. That’s when this roid raging psycho on the 2nd floor balcony starts yelling at us. He says in a death metal style voice “Get the hell off my block! I don’t like you, I want to smash your face!” That Guy just says “Really? You are really saying that?” The psycho responds, “Shut your face or I will smash it! Get out of here right now! You guys woke me up punching cabs and yelling, I’m trying to sleep here” The problem was the dude was dressed like he just got home. That Guy says something else, something to the effect of “We are trying to leave but there aren’t any empty cabs.” That’s when the psycho screams “That’s it!” he swings his legs over the balcony and lowers himself to the street. WTF is all we can think, before we know what happens, the guy charges That Guy and pushes him onto a parked car. Jim steps in and helps defuse the situation. In the meantime the psycho’s friends came over, I guess the one other dude jumped down off the balcony and wrenched his knee, he came over and said he screwed up his knee and wanted some revenge. Yeah, revenge for being a dumbass…… The psycho was trembling saying he was sick of That Guy’s voice and wanted to smash his face. Just then, empty cab approaches, TAXI! We get the hell out of there. Off to next bar. Post that bar we end up back at the condo. We had gotten some food, pizza and burrito’s the size of your head, yes that’s right, LaBamba’s Burritos the Size of your Head!I hadn’t had one of those since college. This was the last bit of calm before the storm….. So E was sitting on a couch eating a slice of pizza and a cookie on top of it. That’s when MN decide to rush the couch screaming “I like to tip things over!!” He proceeds to lift up the couch, the end E was not on and flip the couch over, dumping E on the floor, his pizza goes flying, but the cookie stays! Things were being thrown back and forth, most of us, yours truly was ducking so they wouldn’t catch a hanger or plate scrubber in the nogging…. I am not sure how it happened, but it did. MN ends up with 2 dozen eggs, he looks at the eggs, then at E, makes the “boop, boop” (truck backing up) and eggs start flying. Mr Secret scrambles for the back door, opens it up and see KB passed out face down on the patio. Apparently he was walking down the stairs and face planted himself after missing a step and just passed out. So he gets pelted with a few eggs. After a few minutes, we get a truce called after TR smashes 3 eggs MN is holding. We get KB upstairs to a bed. Come downstairs, AJ sees the carnage (the condo was in his name) Eggs put away, towels and anything that can be used to cleaned is used. In the other room we hear a commotion, E rounds the corner, his face caked with red icing. Sebastian emerges next, his face looks the same…. I don’t want to know what happened….. We had to clean eggs off the ceiling, walls, floor, cabinets, rugs, well you get the point…… The next day, err scratch that, a few hours later we get up to go to the Cubs/Pirates game, we got rooftop seats. They were awesome seats, we got our money’s worth that is for sure! When we woke up that morning, MN had a shirt for TT to wear all day, it was a women’s Cubs jersey and it was pink. MN also had a pink ear band to go with it. TT was a good sport wearing that all day. Post game we head to some bars. On the way there, MN stops at a souvenir stand, gets TT a pink tank top, the border has pink hearts. TT is forced to wear it, it was hilarious. Many pics were taken, that will be his Christmas card this year…… We end up at Barley Corn, got food, TT traded jerseys with another girl, this one wasn’t pink but was 2x smaller, so he had to finally go to the condo and change, as it was cutting off  his circulation. Sebastian heads to the bathroom, this dude at the urinal next to him starts telling him how he likes to screw Sheep, Sebastian quickly finishes his business and gets the hell out of there. Apparently the guy was still going on about it as he was walking out.  Some of us head back to the condo, rest and rally. Once we get motivated, it’s about 11, we head to Shenanigans. Find the rest of the boys and camp out there all night. We  were getting  ready to leave, AJ was dancing with a girl, her friend  grabbed me  and started to dance with me. I couldn’t be rude  and just leave. So me and AJ  hang out with these  girls. I asked the girl I was dancing with where she was from, she said Michigan. I asked “Detroit?” because a lot of people  you run into in Chicago are from Detroit. “No” she replies and then says “I am from the white part of the state” Wow is all I can say, course that was in my head. Her and her friends seem quite friendly with each other, grinding on each other, spanking each other, groping each other, then I come to find out they are all sisters, they are in town because their mom is sick. WTF??? This isn’t the bootheel….. Post bars, we end up back at the condo. MN was passed out on a couch, E decides to pee on him, and does. MN gets up, grabs E’s glasses and snaps them in half and goes back to bed. E starts going on about how his glasses were 600 dollars, then they were 700, I think they were up to the 3k after 2 minutes…… Mr Secret runs by shirtless saying E tried to rape him and runs outside. Mr Secret’s bro, the Mad Deeznutzer kept just saying “I just want to go to bed.” After some more raucous and a picture getting knocked off the wall, everyone settled down for the night. Sunday we all got up, cleaned up the place and headed to our respected homes….

Stiffy had the best description of how he felt this morning:

“I think my liver crawled out of my body and beat on me all night”

I’m going to sleep now……..

So enjoying my unemployment, I spent the previous weekend in Memphis, so the following weekend I go to Dallas to visit GQ, Angelina, Panda, Patrick, Dancing Queen, the whole group. We fly out Thursday afternoon, I had a second interview with a company in the morning (I had a second interview with another company the day before), so it would be good to get out of town, kick it like ninjas as it looked like I’d be gainfully employed again! So I go to the interview, it was pretty long interview, met with 4 different people, but had a good feeling about it. Fly out to Big D with AJ, land in Big D, GQ picks us up and meet up with Panda for the game. The game being the Texas Rangers vs KC Royals. It was the battle of the basement teams. We got to see Corky play, aka Sammy Sosa. We had a light rain delay, me and AJ roamed the park taking pictures, because both of us have the goal of hitting all the MLB parks before we die. So far I’m in the lead with 12 (Busch, Wrigley, KC, Fenway, Yankee Stadium, Safeco, Diamondbacks, Turner Field, Milwaukee, Comisky Park, RFK and Arlington, 13 if you count the old Busch Stadium) We had tickets that allowed us access to the Cuevero Gold Pavilion, since the Rangers were getting blown out, we decided to sit in the AC and drink… Post game we hit the bars and ended the night with Whataburger, which is heaven……. And we saw some get pulled over pulling into the parking lot, no burger for you! Friday we got moving in time for lunch, a bloody mary helped ease the pain….. we opted to chill around the house and splash around the pool. Angelina came out to tell us we had to get ready for dinner soon and was greeted with “awww can’t we have 10 more minutes before we have to come in??” Yeah we’ll never grow up…. That night we went to Go Fish for dinner, great food, met up with the Dallas crew. Post dinner hit up Mercy. Had to much wine and called it a night. Saturday I met up with my Aunt and Uncle for lunch, it was good catching up with them. After lunch Angelina took me around as GQ was taking AJ around Dallas as it was his first time. Me, AJ, Patrick, GQ and J played golf. We got one of the last tee times as it was twilight golf that turned into night golf…… I called it quits on the 7th hole when I sliced and hit a house, twice….. Post golf we hit up Fogo de Chao, stuffed ourselves on meat, lots of it….. AJ being a rookie got hung up on the salad, we were about 3 plates ahead of him by the time he was ready to join…….. Post dinner we went to Duke’s Roadhouse to close out the night. Pre-flight we stop at Spring Creek BBQ cause it had been only a few days since we had have bbq……… Good times had by all….. Oh and when I was down there I got an offer for full time employment and took it

So the time arrived for Sleazy Rider’s second bachelor party, this time we took a road trip to Memphis. On the way down to Memphis, Sleazy jokingly said “I didn’t realize this bachelor party was being sponsored by Careerbuilder.com as both me and Vince were on the phone talking to perspective employers, me haggling with rates with a recruiter, Vince with following up on submitted resumes. Cruising down 55, we cross through Arkansas and exit the state as quickly as possible….. To get to Memphis we have to cross one of the most ancient looking bridges I’ve ever seen, seriously father time took a baseball bat to it…. Ronnie made several dozen Minneapolis bridge  jokes  praying we could just get to the other side and not end up on the Mississippi River……. (a sidenote to the story, we left Memphis over a much more modern/sturdy looking bridge, turns out that bridge was shut down for being unsafe……. I guess looks can be deceiving….) Arrive at our hotel, we are staying at the Westin, which is literally right near where we want to be on Beale St. Check in, the other car arrives. We all meet up after we check into our respective rooms, the other car brought a Joe Mama’s pizza and 40oz Busch bottles, I was in the wrong car….. We head out to dinner, first stop on the BBQ weekend, Rendezvous, I have had them at other trips to Memphis and argue it is some of the best ribs out there….. Again, not disappointed. After dinner it was off to the bars, first stop was Silky Sullivan’s, started out on the patio, moved inside, they had dueling pianos, so we found another room, hanging out, we look at the window to enjoy the eye candy walking by, see a girl hurling in a dumpster, classy! We were trying to take pictures, a bouncer near us, waved us over to the door so we could get a better angle, but by then the girl was done adding to the party gravy…….. From there we wandered down Beale, wandered into Double Deuce, it was a country bar with a mechanical bull, awesome! I wanted to buy a round of shots, saw they had shots distributed from a machine, so it was a round of SoCo and Lime…… After awhile we wandered to Pat O’Brien’s, it was definitely hurricane season and they hit with full force! GQ met up with us, I again decided to get some shots, this time the shot machine had Patron, this one is going to hurt. So I buy Sleazy a hurricane, me a hurricane and GQ a shot (and a shot for myself), had to fight off hurling, but ah that soothing burn of Patron…….  Call it a night and head back to the rooms. GQ does his throw ice into the room, I sweep the ice off the bed onto where Vince was sleeping, so he decides to celebrate it and dump ice into my bed, so I swept the ice onto the floor and slept in the other bed. Next day brought Tunica. I really hope those kids enjoy the computers we paid for…….. We all made our donations, but hit an all you can eat buffet, part of the buffet was Corky’s BBQ. Not bad, it was buffet, but the ribs were still good……. Retreating back to Memphis, we stop off to get some gas, Sleazy picks up some Klassy gifts, yes that’s klassy spelled with a K, that’s our Sleazy! That night we head to Germantown Commissary,  probably the best ribs I’ve ever had, their motto is “So good yull smack your momma!” Seriously, I would put those up against anything KC can do and KC would be humiliated! The only draw back is that it’s out in the suburbs…… Post dinner it was off to Beale again, Sleazy’s request, go to the Double Duece again. This time the mechanical bull was in full force as we watched for hours drunken idiots get chucked off this thing like a rag doll and be mocked by a guy who was best described as a guy who will go home, pleasure himself and play World of Warcraft for 8 hrs…….. Funny were the girls that got on the bull with mini skirts and acted surprised when their panties were showing…… That’s a classy broad…….. We drank a lot that night, had to deal with a prank that was, the only way to describe it, f’n disgusting. Next day was check out day, hit the road, stopped at Lambert’s because well we’ve been eating like pigs already, why not cap off the weekend….. After that, head home to catch up on sleep……

Yes, weekend…..

So this past weekend was Sleazy Rider’s bachelor party. Friday we started out at our home away from home, Syberg’s. Grab some beers and then head east…… to Fairmount Race Track for Party in the Park, $1 beers and the sheer joy of betting in America’s Most Corrupt Race Track, God I love Southern Illinois! So I pretty much lost every race but one, the one race I didn’t bet on… Son of a….. Well at least the beer is cheap and the people watching was even better…. Plus those a-holes wouldn’t let me bet on the Ambulance or the Taurus, both were on the track, I’m sure they would have entertained that bet in Vegas……. Upstairs we were hanging out, betting, a shot girl came by, we bought shots from her and AJ threw out the question “What do you think a cougar is?” She said “uh a Woman’s Vagina?” Tex without missing a beat says “No, but I like your thought process!” We explained “COUGAR, not cooter!” She didn’t know what that was. We all were throwing back some beers, I look over and see Sleazy double fisting, in his defense, it was last call. Me, Tex and Vince find an open table and sit down, just happens to be next to a whole “den” of cougars. One cougar asks Tex to take a pic, so he says “on 3, say COUGAR! 1-2-3″ The group all yells “Cougar” and the one girl makes the claw swipe motion as she growls like a cougar. This was the point where you see the night starting to go downhill, it’s like you are on a roller coaster going uphill, you hear the clack clack as it’s going up the hill and you reach the crest of the hill, you look down and just see it’s a straight drop, to hell, that was where the night was going, all I could do is strap in and make sure my health insurance was current…… So after the track we head to Sundecker’s on the landing, it’s a great dirty little bar, much like it’s patrons. Heading from the track, an unexpected arrival of an out of state groomsman who just graduated the Marine Corps, he’s on his way to California and can spend the weekend with us, yes, I see the flames of hell from the top of the hill……. We park on the landing, all start telling old landing stories of our stupider days, ok, we were younger, that’s about it…. Walk into Sundeckers, NO BODY was there. We head out to the deck and make quick friends with the girl behind the bar. I have no idea what her name was, I remembered it then, but that brain cell that contains the information has sense died in the great battle of intelligence vs alcohol. We were her only real customers and by far the loudest people in the bar. Shots started flowing, Jager Bombs detonated, more jager, some other shots, Tex singing his favorite power ballads from yester year, the girl behind the bar asks about his shirt he’s wearing “What’s Skid Row?” she asks. The expression on Tex’s face was classic, it’s like he just watched her kill his family in front of him. He was stunned. But true to Tex form, starts busting out Skid Row ballads at the top of his lungs. A guy near by comes over and joins in the air jam rock symphony called 18 and Life….. By this point other Sundecker employees came out to hang out at the bar. We asked our new friend what she thought a Cougar was. She said “A school mascot?” Oh to be 22 again….. time ticks by, more beers, more shots Sleazy declares “No sleep ’til Brooklyn!” Crap. Tex tries to do an air guitar move and falls flat on his ass taking out a plastic car, everyone laughs. Sleazy has to go the bathroom and opts for the trash can next to the bar, he pulls it off without getting busted. Tex decides to write his phone number down for the girl behind the bar, he starts to write his number, gets midway through and looks at me and says “What the hell is my number??” I help him out after a little difficulty of my own finding his name in my phone, instead of her giving him her number, she gives him her email address. We all call her out saying “That’s a brush off move!” She explains if you email her 2x, you get her number. I asked “What is that, like a prize?!?” Walking to the car we encounter to super drunk and super young looking girls. Sleazy says to the one, “Vince will give you a piggy pack ride to your car” Vince points to me and says “He’ll do it.” The girl excited asks if I will. I said “Is there any money involved?” No she says. I said “Have a good night!” I don’t know if that is what upset them or the fact we kept referring to them as 19 yr olds and a member of the group who shall remain nameless kept saying “Let me see your 19 yr old boobies” (I think you can guess who said that and no it was not me!) So we venture over the river (again) past the “Discreet Motel” past the tranny street walkers to the Wild West of Ballets, the Rox. Mother Nature was calling all of us and we had to answer, but some dude in line in front of us didn’t have his ID and wouldn’t leave, finally he did, we pay and break for the bathroom. Relieved I got to the bar, as one guy referred the girl behind the bar as “Skeletor” I didn’t know if I should tip her or give her a sandwich, Meth is a hell of a drug! I find an open seat and sit down, half the group leaves, the groom and another guy flee to next door because of Skeletor, so me and Vince have seen enough tattoos and knife wounds, we go next door, cause that’s always a good idea. In PT’s Brooklyn, I see a few of the guys sitting there, I join them, a ballerina sits in my lap. Says “Do you want to go upstairs to the bar and conversionate?” WTF? Sure, what the hell, girls trying to use big words are funny. So I spend about an hour and a half upstairs hearing this girl’s life story, her real name, of course I give her my “stage name” Hi, I’m Seamus. She tells what part of town she lives in, how much her mortgage is, how long she’s been dancing there, how many kids she has, how she doesn’t like the “rules”, etc. I don’t set out for this, it just happens. Tex calls me asking where the f’ I am, everyone thinks I’m in the champagne room, I tell him upstairs bar, come up if you want. He barely knows where he is. Sleazy set out to see if he could get thrown out of the bar, again. Actually he never has, but it’s a game he likes to play, because well the entertainers are dead inside…… Chatting with her, I call her out, she says I’m so cute and easy to talk to, I say “I feel like I’m at Hooters where the girls will tell you they are so happy you are here because everyone else is boring, etc, etc.” She says she isn’t like that and said she wants to get my number, oh it’s become a game/social experiment to see if she is after the stumbling irishman or his wallet. I’ll let you decide which you think is the right answer. So to be nice I get a dance from her, she keeps saying “Let’s go to the bedroom!” Uh what. She explains it’s $370 for 1/2 hr. WTF?!? I’m on a limited budget I tell her. They take all credit cards she says, she won’t let it go. A break, she has to go up on stage. Sleazy by this point is done, it’s almost 5am, he says “I have to get home before sun up or I’ll turn to dust!” The girl gets done dancing, I tell her “we are leaving, do you want my number?” She said “I don’t have a pen, ask the bartender” Bartender tells me they don’t have any pens, wow, that makes doing credit card transactions a bit tricky! She said ask the door guy, I tell her “give me your number I can call you” She balked, said “Come up here tomorrow night.” I said “I figured you were that way, have a good night!” Stop by Syberg’s to get my car, Tommy T had written “I like little boys” on my dusty back window, f’er. Chuckle, wipe it off because in the end, I’m still a 17 yr old that finds humor in immature things like that and fart jokes.

Saturday I wake up around noon and am about as useful as a one legged man in a butt kicking contest (to quote my high school teacher). I call Tex and see how he’s faring, he’s still drunk and looking at houses with Tommy T. Awesome. I get a call from the teach, she wants to go up to the Taste of the CWE, seeing it’s up the street from me, what the hell, but the thought of booze makes me green….. She meets up with one of her friends, they both grill me about this guy the teach’s friend had met, what I thought, did he sound shady, etc. The answer was of course, yes. Don’t get in to deep with that guy, he sounds like he’s playing you, etc. Like most other girls I give advice to, she probably won’t listen, at least it gives me that “I told you so” moment followed by the awkward silence. So after taste I go to my parent’s 50th Wedding Anniversary. Huge accomplishment, amazing feat and time for me to give his liver a break and get my wits about him. I meet up with some of the guys at Humphrey’s because Grandpa Zick was in town. We threw back beers and talked about our college days, mostly Zick stories, ah how time flies. It was weird, we saw about 8 people kicked out, 4 for being to drunk, a few more didn’t have legal ids. Granda looked up and noticed a skylight and asked where that came from. Me and Vince laughed because when we were graduating, it was noticed that night before graduation. Funny was we realized there was another skylight no one had noticed, we really should look up more often…. I called it a night around 1:30am.

Sunday rolls around, back to Syberg’s for food, stories and then to the baseball game! Tex sits down next to me and says “What the hell is this???” and pulls out the email the girl had given him at Sundecker’s. I busted out laughing because it’s essentially Blondes Have More Fun abbreviated. I chuckled. We load up with food and head to the game care of Kevin the Shuttle Driver. We get to the game, bleacher seats! We are all struggling, smell like a brewery and the family of 3 next to us really looked like they were having a miserable experience. In our defense, we weren’t offensive, loud at times, when Pujols hit the HR’s, we’d chant OLE! OLE! OLE! OLE! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE! Jump around and high five. There was a group of girls on the other side of the family of 3, these girls talked a lot of trash, but knew their stuff, so that made it fun. They were all tatt’d up and pierced, I guess that’s what you do in Cali, layout at the beach and get inked. I really thought we’d lose KFO because these hill billy’s behind him, yes that’s the best way to describe them, they said they were “from Western Kentucky” I guess they don’t want to be lumped in with those uppitty Eastern Kentucky folks. Anyway KFO was wearing a Cardinals shirt that was sort of velvety is the only way to explain it. They were petting it and asking about it. At one point I heard the one tell him in a heavy deliverance-esq southern accent “You’re my dawg, I like you.” Oh God, make sure there’s nothing that cab be used as lube around…….. Post game back to Syberg’s for food, I go home, fell asleep on the couch for about an hour, woke up at 7:44 pm, I was dazed, confused, not sure where I was and thought it was Monday morning at 7:44 am. It took me a minute to get re-orientated, then I realized it was still Sunday. Awesome, time for the Sopranos! Read my other post on that. Ridiculous!

So a couple weekends it was my buddy GQ’s bachelor party out in Vegas. The usual suspects were out there, GQ, Sabastian, Tommy T, The Mad Deeznutzer, Farns and others that came in from other areas of the US. Farns flew out early to place bets on the start of the NCAA Tourney, I texted him a parlay to place for me and I said I’d pay him when I got out there. I fly out of Mid America Airport, which if you are not familiar with it, it’s in wonderful downtown Bel-Vegas. It wasn’t bad, I flew out on Allegiant Air, which was a full sized airplane, by flying Allegiant I saved myself about $200, plus they had the exact times I was looking for…….

During the day I was watching the scores, my 3 team parlay was looking nice, just had to have Gonzaga cover and it’s all good…… I get to the airport around 8pm, after driving to the middle of no where and kept saying “Where the f’ is this place???” Well the answer I found is in the middle of an f’ cornfield! But hey, it’s all about the cost cutting……… Before I get on the plane, i see the end of the Gonzaga/Xavier game, Gonzaga is covering with 3 seconds left, they just let the Xavier guy do a lay up untouched and score two points. Game over. They didn’t cover the spread….. Son of a…….

On the plane, I settle in. 3 very enormous and drunk guys occupy the seats behind me, I didn’t think much of it until the guy behind me thought he’d be cute by keep hitting and kicking my seat. So once in the air, the guy decides to lower his tray, not the normal way, pretty much unlatches it and lets it drop……. So that rocks my chair. I decide to teach this A-Hole a lesson, for every kick, bump, etc of my chair, I would launch my seat all the back and knock whatever the hell he had on his tray to the floor. So a kick would come, then my chair, then it would be quiet for a bit, then a bump, kick, whatever, I’d send my chair back at him. If anyone was going to win the immaturity duel, it would be I…….. By the time I get to Vegas, I’m tired, cranky and my thumb hurts from pushing the f’n seat release button so much…….

Once in Vegas, I hop a shuttle and go to our hotel, which was the Rio. I get in line, Farns greets me with a beer, the line was long and I went through a couple beers before I get up to the counter, right as I’m going to walk up to the counter, some random dude walks up and gives the girl behind the counter a dozen roses…… Proclaims his love to her and then walks away. I walk up and say “I don’t have any flowers, but will you check me in?” Right then GQ walks up to see where my room is, I requested a room by the other guys. The girl tells me there is one room with 2 Queens (we were piling 5 guys to a room, so a King sized bed was NOT an option), she said housekeeping needs to clean it still, I said “No problem, I’m dropping off my bags and won’t be home for 8 hrs” Keep in mind it was 12am Vegas time……. She informs me that she talked to Housekeeping and “They are not renting out that room for the weekend” My thought was “Great, someone killed a hooker in there.” She offers to upgrade me to a Diamond Suite, same price and apologizes. Said it’s a King sized bed but they can send up a roll away. I said “Done” Without missing a cue, GQ says “You guys put us in a smoking room, my brother is highly allergic to smoke, can we get a Diamond Suite too?” He gets upgraded for free, both big winners! We get the keys, round up the boys and head to the rooms, on the way I get propostioned by a latino hooker with gi-normous boobs. I thought to myself “I’m here 10 min, get upgraded to a Diamond Suite and propostioned by a hooker, this is going to be a great weekend!” That night we piled into our “rental” which happened to be an H2, though GQ wouldn’t drive over a car or through a building like we wanted him to……… That night we waited for the last guy to get in and we hit the Sahara, we wanted to gamble Old Skool……… Did well there, I won most of my money there, playing Single Deck Black Jack of all things…… Everyone was faring well, GQ was up to 4 digit winnings…… We finally left Sahara at sun up…… Got back to the Rio, I really wanted to place some bets at the sports book because tip off for the next games was in about 3 hrs…. So I go to the book, fill out my parlay cards, walk up (hammered by the way) and they tell me the computers are down, I said “Let me in back there, I’ll get them going…..” For some reason they didn’t go for that…… So while I was waiting for the computers to come up, I decided to check my parlay cards, yeah, I had selected the wrong teams mostly. So I get new cards to correct the bets, you know the saying 3rd time is a charm? In my case it took my roughly 5 times to get the right f’n bets, much to the amusement of those behind the counter. But at this point I hadn’t slept in 28 hours and had set sailed with the Captain……. I get my bets in and go to bed……
I wake up to find most of my parlays are blown out of the water by the end of the first games…… I hit on the Bucknel upset, I bet that straight up…… Daddy has more cash…… The rest of the crew gets out there that afternoon and the antics begin……. Here are the cliff notes:

- A few of us went to the gun range and shot a M249 SAW (Squad Assault Weapon), 50 rounds belt fed ammo, fully automatic, it was frick’n sweet! The one guy with us didn’t want to shoot that, so he asked about hand guns, the guy behind the counter said “Well the problem is we don’t have anything with Pink handles for you…….” We all had a chuckle, well except him…..

- Tried to get into a few clubs, but with 10 guys we jokingly said “We have to many guys to go to a gay bar…….” We got hassled by all the door guys where ever we went

- Went to Sapphire, the World’s Largest Strip Club, which is about 3 miles from Seamless, which also claims is the World’s Largest Strip Club, only in Vegas…. Sapphire was a cool place, they had about 200 girls working and Sky Boxes….. It was hella pricey though, I tried to get a soda because I was tired of the $9 beers, the soda cost me $6, son of a……. but the naked girls kept me distracted……..

- Capt Ezo dropped enough cash for a family of four to make about 5 months of house payments……… Vegas thanks you Ezo

- Most of us were up and down, except GQ that made a killing, come to think of it, Ezo should have given GQ all of the money and let GQ kick him in the nuts and called it even…….. I made enough to pay for my nightly binges and came home with more than I left with, so I couldn’t complain………

So it’s the night for Jugdish’s bachelor party, we kick off the night by meeting at Syberg’s. Several beers and some food, the bus arrives and we head out. First stop, Sub Zero…. We roll up, after slamming beers on the quick 10 min ride to Sub Zero. We get out and are greeted by Panda. He hooks us up with some reserved seating, so we have that going for us, which is nice….. I order up a dirty martini, the bartender asked how dirty, I said “I like it like my women, DIRTY!” That was the start of the night going slowly downhill……. At Sub Zero, I asked the slurring groom to be what he would like for a drink, he said “a white cosmo”, my response was “WHAT?” But being a good friend, I ordered it for him (and almost had to kick my own ass for doing it…..) After Sub Zero, we head to the Study Hall on the Landing. On the way to the landing, the AC died on the bus, and after the bus dropped us off, the bus died….. Son of a….. Stranded on the landing…… Study Hall was nothing to write home about, but I was a big fan of the girls in the school girl outfits….. After that we went to Morgan St, one of the guys couldn’t get in because he had a ticket and an ID, so we went to Sundecker’s. Good times were had by all! The replacement bus arrives, so we walk out, it’s an Excursion stretch limo…. We pile in and we some how picked up an extra person, some random girl that was evacuated from Florida during the Katrina hurricane…… She rides with us to Big Daddy’s, that was the point were the groom to be realized he had to puke, so the nearest area he could find was to go into the kitchen and puke in the sink…… The bouncer found him and told him to leave, somehow he made it upstairs and found us. He proceeded to puke about 40 minutes and we had to go…… Not a bad night and a tame one, but still fun none the less……..

This past weekend kicked off with my buddy’s bachelor party down in Memphis. Me and another guy drove down there, while everyone else flew. The drive isn’t bad, though I always thought Rhode Island was America’s Most Boring State, but Arkansas takes the cake! We arrive in Memphis around 6pm, met up with the others realizing we had some catching up drinking wise to do…… It was an insane weekend, here are the highlights:

- Had a full slab of ribs from Rendezvous, dry rub BBQ is awesome
- Found a great bar, The Flying Saucer, has more beer than Growler’s and the girls all dressed like bad Brittany Spears………..
- The ballet, very nice, crowded and lots of Urkarins……..
- Graceland rocked! I have never seen so much shag carpeting in one place…… my quote for the day “And that leads me to my next topic, DON’T DO DRUGS!”
- Hit up the Cardinals/Cubs game, it was Cardinals weekend, such fan favorites were there like Vince Coleman, Lee Smith and Jack Clark, there must not have been a baseball card show going on anywhere in the nation that weekend…….

Monday went to the Cardinals game, wondered why they couldn’t play like that last October, but it was good to see Edgar was up to his old tricks, hit into a few double plays, had an error that resulted in 2 runs and went 0-4!