CB’s House of Porn and Pancakes

So this past Saturday was the inaugural outing of D.I.F., otherwise known as Drinking Is Fundamental. (Sadly there will be no official Inaugural Outing Coins, Blankets, Plates, etc) D.I.F. grew out of me, Stiffy and Ramsey’s love of drinking and bars. We devised an idea over email to do a random bars night once a month. It was initially intended to be a completely off the cuff, loosely organized organization that would promote the ideals of drinking at local establishments, mostly in the city. Well those ideals were compromised as word spread, a Facebook group was set up, grew to over 100 members over night and an official event invite went out. We went to The Wedge, Ugly Fish and Friendly’s. I missed out on The Wedge, I was at my cousin’s graduation party, but caught up with the group at Ugly Fish. Here’s how the rest of the night went.

So heading to Ugly Fish from the VP (otherwise known as Valley Park) I rely on my Garmin to get me there in one piece, or at least with a slight limp……. Garmin directs me to Kingshighway South, no problem. Cruising down down Kingshighway, the Garmin tells me to make a left on Tholozan, I get in the left turn lane and it says “Recalculating” Son of a bitch! Tholozan only goes to the right, some random dead end street is to the left. So I jump back out in traffic and make a left where it tells me. I finally get to Ugly Fish and meet up with everyone. Initial impression of Ugly Fish is a great little South Side bar. It’s essentially two rooms, one room has the bar in, the other room has a stage for a band or in this case, drunken karaoke. I say drunken karaoke because I’m giving some of the singers the benefit of the doubt, some of them sounded like they were strangling a cat. Granted I only heard the karaoke when I went to the bathroom. They had a good selection of beers, I settled on the Silver Bullet. When I walked in, I see the group. Near us is another group. Some in our group asked if I knew any of them, I did not, though the one girl looked familiar….. I didn’t want to be “that creepy” guy and go over and say “Hey, do I know you from the internet?” Eventually one of our group members did get bold enough after a few drinks, went over and it turns out they were on the D.I.F. crawl also. Sweet, the group just doubled in size! Some more folks show up and we have a good sized crowd! Knock back the last round and head over to Friendly’s. I was the caboose in the caravan of cars and got stuck at the red light. I was told it was at the intersection of Winnebago and Roger. Well at that intersection is 4 houses and none of them have a Budweiser sign. I punch in the address in the Garmin, it pretty much gives me the finger. Fuck You technology, I’m becoming Amish, we’ll see who has the last laugh when I throw you out on eBay! Eventually I get directions and find it. It was about a mile from that intersection. Walk in and I’m taken back by the Drunken Carnival atmosphere of this place! It’s a cash only bar that boasts PBR, beer pong, popcorn machine, arcade games everywhere, flat screens with all the games on and a not so friendly bartender that was down right surly most of the time. Some that ordered a drink got an eye roll from her, nice. The night picked up when Frankie Frau busted out the breathalyzer and everyone was having a competition to see who can score the highest. The winner blew I believe a .27, he wasn’t driving. Frankie Frau’s wife beat out Eric in a major upset! Closing time and I head home. A successful outing! The next one will be at the end of February, details to come!

“I go to parties sometimes until four
It’s hard to leave when you can’t find the door ”
- Joe Walsh

Here are the bars we hit if you want to check them out for yourself:

The Wedge
442 Bates Street 63111
http://stlouis.metromix.com/bars-and-clubs/music_bar/the-wedge-south-city/603018/content

Ugly Fish
4050 Bamberger 63116
http://uglyfishbar.com/

Friendly’s
3503 Roger Pl 63116
http://www.friendlyssportsbar.com/

So this past weekend was TT’s bachelor party in Chicago. Now this was a pretty momentous occasion as  about 27 of us were going on this party that was heading non-stop right to hell via all the debauchery that was going to ensue…… So sit back, get comfortable, you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll say WTF and most assuredly you’ll just read this in disbelief…….

This was a trip I was looking forward to, TT’s Last Stand. The week had flew along for me, I had been getting my liver preped for this seeing I had given up booze for Lent, I had to put it through a crash course training to get back to pre-Lent condition. Wednesday I hit the Cardinal Game, Thursday I went out with JM, she wanted to take me out for drinks as a belated bday celebration, cause I hadn’t celebrated enough…. Friday rolls around, I’m a bit deshelved from the previous night’s libations, I get through work and have to go to the airport, catch my flight on my newly inspected MD 80 to O’Hare. I damn near miss my flight thanks to the traffic and the fact people can’t drive in rain. I land at O’Hare, get my bag, even though they said it will be at Carousel 8, it was actually at 4, but 4 was labeled Miami. (Remember that point, I’ll come back to that later) So I walk out of O’Hare and look for the cab stand. I see a sign that says Taxi and the arrow pointing to the left, so I follow the arrow, I go a distance, no cabs, I look up and see another sign saying Taxi and it’s pointing to the right. Son of a…… I should have listened to
Mitch Hedberg

“I fuckin’ hate arrows, man. They try to tell me which direction to go. It’s like, “Fuck you, I ain’t goin’ that way, line with two-thirds of a triangle on the end!” Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow? That would suck; an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. “Hey, look at that dead guy… Let’s go that way.”

So anyway back to the story, the arrows were bouncing me back and forth like a frick’n tennis ball, this guy stops me and said in a heavy accent, “You need taxi sir?” Yes I say, he said follow me, no wait. So it was like frogger crossing the road to the parking garage, I go with this guy to the second floor, my thought is, well there’s cameras around, so I doubt this guy would try to rob me, but I swear to God if he has something like a Carola I’m outta here…. I see his car, it’s one of those executive town cars, big plush leather seats and bottled water. So I get in, if I’m going to die, might as well be in a fancy car. I take the car to our condo that we had rented. Yes that’s right, roughly 13 people staying in a 3000 sq ft condo in Lake View. I roll up to the condo, pay the guy, it turns out my ride was cheaper than a taxi from Midway, I rule! I call AJ and ask him where the key is, since they are all out boozing, he says it’s under the potted plant with flowers. So I walk what I thought was behind the condo, opps, I was next door, I go around to the back of our condo, it’s like a frickin’ shell game, 3 pots of flowers, all are full of dead plants, I lift up the first 2, one pot left, God I hope I have the right place….. Victory is mine! I found the key. I open up the front door and walk in. I kept thinking, I hope this is the right place…. I see a rocking horse, a buffet with 2 stuffed pigs, 2 Jesus bears, a large print bible and a book, Memories of Khrushchev, completely random I know….. I see some beer cans littered around the place, well maybe this is the place… I go to the back kitchen, I see a box of cupcakes, scratch that, naked lady cupcakes. The box has a note that says it was from his mom, now that is frick’n awesome! I wait for Timmy and TR to get there. AJ calls me and says “Hey Timmy and TR are heading to the condo, you might want to talk to them before you leave to meet up with us” I said I just talked to them, I’ll wait for them to show up and then head over. He then repeats the same sentence, I explain again how I just talked to them, will wait for them to arrive and then head over. Oh boy, I have a lot of catching up to do. The two guys arrive, we hope a cab and head to Wrigleyville, destination, Slugger’s. We show up, the group is about to leave, they say there’s 100 guys and 3 girls, just then I see 3 girls leave, 2 Beers says “And there go the girls.” We head to Victory Liquors, sweet bar! It was $5 Miller High Life 40oz night. E orders up oh about 20 of them for everyone…. Oh, this is going to be one of those nights… So we are hanging out, doing shots, That Guy shows up, he had been drinking since about 4pm and it was about 11pm, damn that’s impressive! That Guy had some good quotes, one he said was “You don’t like me do you? It’s because I’m white isn’t it?”  Classic. 40 is done, shots are next, I order a captain and coke, no captain the guy says, he says we have something close to it and it costs $3, sold! A few trips to the dance floor, the night was cruising along. I caught up with most of them drinking wise. 2 Beers told me a girl that some that her friends were talking to some of our guys is “The female you, the Brennan of Chicago” She didn’t want anything to do with me, that’s ok, I usually don’t want anything to do with me either…. Victory closes, so we are outside trying to determine what we are going to do next. This is where the night gets weird. A few Ole, Ole, Ole, OOOOOOOOOOOOOLE! cheers in the middle of the street, we decide to go to Nick’s Uptown. We try to flag down a cab to no avail. Part of the group gets lucky and gets a cab. We see a cab up the street, flag it down, but 2 guys jump in it. That Guy was mad, and punches the hood of the cab. The cabby slams on the brakes and starts yelling at us in a heavy accent “Mother Fucker! I will kill you, you son of a bitch!” He just kept saying that, the cab pulls away, hey, it’s TR and Timmy in the back of the cab, whoops……. So waiting around, we try flagging down another cab. That’s when this roid raging psycho on the 2nd floor balcony starts yelling at us. He says in a death metal style voice “Get the hell off my block! I don’t like you, I want to smash your face!” That Guy just says “Really? You are really saying that?” The psycho responds, “Shut your face or I will smash it! Get out of here right now! You guys woke me up punching cabs and yelling, I’m trying to sleep here” The problem was the dude was dressed like he just got home. That Guy says something else, something to the effect of “We are trying to leave but there aren’t any empty cabs.” That’s when the psycho screams “That’s it!” he swings his legs over the balcony and lowers himself to the street. WTF is all we can think, before we know what happens, the guy charges That Guy and pushes him onto a parked car. Jim steps in and helps defuse the situation. In the meantime the psycho’s friends came over, I guess the one other dude jumped down off the balcony and wrenched his knee, he came over and said he screwed up his knee and wanted some revenge. Yeah, revenge for being a dumbass…… The psycho was trembling saying he was sick of That Guy’s voice and wanted to smash his face. Just then, empty cab approaches, TAXI! We get the hell out of there. Off to next bar. Post that bar we end up back at the condo. We had gotten some food, pizza and burrito’s the size of your head, yes that’s right, LaBamba’s Burritos the Size of your Head!I hadn’t had one of those since college. This was the last bit of calm before the storm….. So E was sitting on a couch eating a slice of pizza and a cookie on top of it. That’s when MN decide to rush the couch screaming “I like to tip things over!!” He proceeds to lift up the couch, the end E was not on and flip the couch over, dumping E on the floor, his pizza goes flying, but the cookie stays! Things were being thrown back and forth, most of us, yours truly was ducking so they wouldn’t catch a hanger or plate scrubber in the nogging…. I am not sure how it happened, but it did. MN ends up with 2 dozen eggs, he looks at the eggs, then at E, makes the “boop, boop” (truck backing up) and eggs start flying. Mr Secret scrambles for the back door, opens it up and see KB passed out face down on the patio. Apparently he was walking down the stairs and face planted himself after missing a step and just passed out. So he gets pelted with a few eggs. After a few minutes, we get a truce called after TR smashes 3 eggs MN is holding. We get KB upstairs to a bed. Come downstairs, AJ sees the carnage (the condo was in his name) Eggs put away, towels and anything that can be used to cleaned is used. In the other room we hear a commotion, E rounds the corner, his face caked with red icing. Sebastian emerges next, his face looks the same…. I don’t want to know what happened….. We had to clean eggs off the ceiling, walls, floor, cabinets, rugs, well you get the point…… The next day, err scratch that, a few hours later we get up to go to the Cubs/Pirates game, we got rooftop seats. They were awesome seats, we got our money’s worth that is for sure! When we woke up that morning, MN had a shirt for TT to wear all day, it was a women’s Cubs jersey and it was pink. MN also had a pink ear band to go with it. TT was a good sport wearing that all day. Post game we head to some bars. On the way there, MN stops at a souvenir stand, gets TT a pink tank top, the border has pink hearts. TT is forced to wear it, it was hilarious. Many pics were taken, that will be his Christmas card this year…… We end up at Barley Corn, got food, TT traded jerseys with another girl, this one wasn’t pink but was 2x smaller, so he had to finally go to the condo and change, as it was cutting off  his circulation. Sebastian heads to the bathroom, this dude at the urinal next to him starts telling him how he likes to screw Sheep, Sebastian quickly finishes his business and gets the hell out of there. Apparently the guy was still going on about it as he was walking out.  Some of us head back to the condo, rest and rally. Once we get motivated, it’s about 11, we head to Shenanigans. Find the rest of the boys and camp out there all night. We  were getting  ready to leave, AJ was dancing with a girl, her friend  grabbed me  and started to dance with me. I couldn’t be rude  and just leave. So me and AJ  hang out with these  girls. I asked the girl I was dancing with where she was from, she said Michigan. I asked “Detroit?” because a lot of people  you run into in Chicago are from Detroit. “No” she replies and then says “I am from the white part of the state” Wow is all I can say, course that was in my head. Her and her friends seem quite friendly with each other, grinding on each other, spanking each other, groping each other, then I come to find out they are all sisters, they are in town because their mom is sick. WTF??? This isn’t the bootheel….. Post bars, we end up back at the condo. MN was passed out on a couch, E decides to pee on him, and does. MN gets up, grabs E’s glasses and snaps them in half and goes back to bed. E starts going on about how his glasses were 600 dollars, then they were 700, I think they were up to the 3k after 2 minutes…… Mr Secret runs by shirtless saying E tried to rape him and runs outside. Mr Secret’s bro, the Mad Deeznutzer kept just saying “I just want to go to bed.” After some more raucous and a picture getting knocked off the wall, everyone settled down for the night. Sunday we all got up, cleaned up the place and headed to our respected homes….

Stiffy had the best description of how he felt this morning:

“I think my liver crawled out of my body and beat on me all night”

I’m going to sleep now……..

So I’ve been on hideous since October, call it taking a break, call it being lazy or maybe I had a helmet on hiding from whatever ‘07 decided to throw at me…… Let’s take a look back at a year that I will always fondly look back and want to shoot the bird at………

Jan

- It started out so great, a busted NYE trip to Big D was salvaged with going to Mandarin, kissing the Playmate of the Year from 1986 at midnight, yup I was 11 when she posed, ole!

Feb

- February brought Back to the Cause 80’s Trivia night, my brother Pat threw down the gauntlet saying he was going to beat our table, we took first!

- I buy my first gun, a Ruger .22 Pistol and join the NRA
March

- Literally the next day I was in hell, literally as a water pipe in the server room burst over most of our production servers and dev servers. Worst case scenerio I’ve ever run across. Lots of cursing , sleep deprivation and a great team effort, we pulled through and was able to keep the company functioning. That week was a lot of stress, but then as everything stabilized, I was able to go on my trip I had planned weeks before, went to Florida to visit my parents in Florida and catch the Cards/Twins Spring Training game in Ft Meyers. As I sat in my seat before the game started, it sank in, I could unplug, I couldn’t be called into work, the weight of the world lifted off me. I spent a week doiwn there, helped me regain my sanity. The return trip home was a punch in the face back to reality as thanks to US Airways, I spent the night on Charolette, NC’s airport. Sad commentary, the Starbucks was more organized than they were. I missed a friend’s wedding the next day, but hey, US Airways sent me a letter to make amends, $25 voucher for my next flight with them, yeah, it’s still posted on my refrig with the letter, no plans on using that anytime soon…..

April

- Opening Day rolls around, I go to the first 2 games, the Cards get shelled and do not look like the defending World Champions. It’s ok, baseball is here and I’ve got all sorts of collectible stuff (a schedule refrig magnet from opening day and a replica WS ring) The first 12 games I go to, the Cards don’t win, Mulder blows out his shoulder and is done at one of the games I attended. When I don’t go, they win, I’m starting to get a complex……

- I saw my buddy I had been sponsoring into the Catholic Church be baptized and get his First Communion to become a full Catholic

- My bday rolls around, it’s the Shaq year! Good times had by all as the Birthday Week Celebrations carry on another year….

May

- Cardinals are in a tail spin and my brother in law side swipes my car, I don’t know which is worse…….
June

- The company I had worked with for over 4 yrs, decides they want to make a change and let me go. Thanks again for the paid vacation
- Cards can’t decide if they want to win or lose as injuries keep piling up

July

- We do a party at the Top of the Met to watch the fireworks at well, eye level. This is literally 3 days after my firing, it’s open bar, wasn’t driving, so I indulge in the open bar. Drinking double and seeing triple, I had a fun night!
- Start the interview process, have an interview mid month with a company that would become my next job, a company called Lexiter Technologies, they are part of Software Plus, a big, $300 million company. I went in for the initial interview, it was supposed to be 30 minutes but ended up being 2 hrs. I left, the interviewer said he’d be in touch in about 2 weeks and said “Hope you are still available”

- Spend a lot of time at the range when I’m not doing contract work for AJ or interviewing. AJ has me going to prisons to fix machines that update prisoner records

- Road tripped to Memphis for Sleazy’s bachelor party

August

- Get a call from Lexiter, they want a second interview. Have a second interview also with Bunzl. Then I’m off to Big D. Lexiter called with a verbal offer when I was at a Gentleman’s Club…… So I let it go to vmail and called the next day…..

- Started at Lexiter, was doing internal infrastructure stuff for their corporate network and datacenter, backing up their NOC Manager and was also doing external consulting

- Cards showing some life

September

- Nothing of note, got into the groove of working at Lexiter

- Football is here! Damnit Rams still suck……  Double Damnit! Raiders are still horrible also….. But I still have the Huskers, son of a…..
Oct

- Bought an AK-47

- Cards get within a 1/2 game of first and then just give up, finish 3rd for the season, Cubs get thumped in the playoffs, all is right with the world

- Bagger’s Bachelor Party

- Closed Innsbrook for the Season

- A soccer mom shears off the back of my car as I’m backing out of a parking space, the cop assigns fault to me, no ticket and I end up with a KIA rental car while mine is getting fixed. I hear God laughing at me
Nov

- Hit with I need to get my MCSE by the end of the year from my boss
- Pass first test, I’m an MCP now

Dec

- Another successful Holiday Party on Wheels, we hit F15teen and Jive and Wail, apparently Old Rock House was to cool to call me back, so we passed on going there, it’s cool, the other two bars benefited

- Get the news, Software Plus is sold, we are losing our jobs at Lexiter, God hates me

- Out of work for a day and a half, talked to two companies, got two offers, took the one that made more sense for me

- Had my first trip to Highland for Ski Cola (pretty much puts Mountain Dew to shame), Deer Sausage and Poker. Post poker we hit a couple of the local bars, word to the wise, bucket races not a good idea at 1am…….

- Worked a dinner for Lumiere Place on NYE and then went to Mad Art Gallery to meet up with friends and ring in the New Year!

All in all ‘07 was quite a roller coaster, times I ended up on my feet, other times I ended up on my face, would I change it? Probably not, would I do it again, f’ no! But it did help me grow and am a better person for going through it, just don’t want to do that again….. My goal for 2008, having one job…..
Here’s to 2008!

So enjoying my unemployment, I spent the previous weekend in Memphis, so the following weekend I go to Dallas to visit GQ, Angelina, Panda, Patrick, Dancing Queen, the whole group. We fly out Thursday afternoon, I had a second interview with a company in the morning (I had a second interview with another company the day before), so it would be good to get out of town, kick it like ninjas as it looked like I’d be gainfully employed again! So I go to the interview, it was pretty long interview, met with 4 different people, but had a good feeling about it. Fly out to Big D with AJ, land in Big D, GQ picks us up and meet up with Panda for the game. The game being the Texas Rangers vs KC Royals. It was the battle of the basement teams. We got to see Corky play, aka Sammy Sosa. We had a light rain delay, me and AJ roamed the park taking pictures, because both of us have the goal of hitting all the MLB parks before we die. So far I’m in the lead with 12 (Busch, Wrigley, KC, Fenway, Yankee Stadium, Safeco, Diamondbacks, Turner Field, Milwaukee, Comisky Park, RFK and Arlington, 13 if you count the old Busch Stadium) We had tickets that allowed us access to the Cuevero Gold Pavilion, since the Rangers were getting blown out, we decided to sit in the AC and drink… Post game we hit the bars and ended the night with Whataburger, which is heaven……. And we saw some get pulled over pulling into the parking lot, no burger for you! Friday we got moving in time for lunch, a bloody mary helped ease the pain….. we opted to chill around the house and splash around the pool. Angelina came out to tell us we had to get ready for dinner soon and was greeted with “awww can’t we have 10 more minutes before we have to come in??” Yeah we’ll never grow up…. That night we went to Go Fish for dinner, great food, met up with the Dallas crew. Post dinner hit up Mercy. Had to much wine and called it a night. Saturday I met up with my Aunt and Uncle for lunch, it was good catching up with them. After lunch Angelina took me around as GQ was taking AJ around Dallas as it was his first time. Me, AJ, Patrick, GQ and J played golf. We got one of the last tee times as it was twilight golf that turned into night golf…… I called it quits on the 7th hole when I sliced and hit a house, twice….. Post golf we hit up Fogo de Chao, stuffed ourselves on meat, lots of it….. AJ being a rookie got hung up on the salad, we were about 3 plates ahead of him by the time he was ready to join…….. Post dinner we went to Duke’s Roadhouse to close out the night. Pre-flight we stop at Spring Creek BBQ cause it had been only a few days since we had have bbq……… Good times had by all….. Oh and when I was down there I got an offer for full time employment and took it

So the time arrived for Sleazy Rider’s second bachelor party, this time we took a road trip to Memphis. On the way down to Memphis, Sleazy jokingly said “I didn’t realize this bachelor party was being sponsored by Careerbuilder.com as both me and Vince were on the phone talking to perspective employers, me haggling with rates with a recruiter, Vince with following up on submitted resumes. Cruising down 55, we cross through Arkansas and exit the state as quickly as possible….. To get to Memphis we have to cross one of the most ancient looking bridges I’ve ever seen, seriously father time took a baseball bat to it…. Ronnie made several dozen Minneapolis bridge  jokes  praying we could just get to the other side and not end up on the Mississippi River……. (a sidenote to the story, we left Memphis over a much more modern/sturdy looking bridge, turns out that bridge was shut down for being unsafe……. I guess looks can be deceiving….) Arrive at our hotel, we are staying at the Westin, which is literally right near where we want to be on Beale St. Check in, the other car arrives. We all meet up after we check into our respective rooms, the other car brought a Joe Mama’s pizza and 40oz Busch bottles, I was in the wrong car….. We head out to dinner, first stop on the BBQ weekend, Rendezvous, I have had them at other trips to Memphis and argue it is some of the best ribs out there….. Again, not disappointed. After dinner it was off to the bars, first stop was Silky Sullivan’s, started out on the patio, moved inside, they had dueling pianos, so we found another room, hanging out, we look at the window to enjoy the eye candy walking by, see a girl hurling in a dumpster, classy! We were trying to take pictures, a bouncer near us, waved us over to the door so we could get a better angle, but by then the girl was done adding to the party gravy…….. From there we wandered down Beale, wandered into Double Deuce, it was a country bar with a mechanical bull, awesome! I wanted to buy a round of shots, saw they had shots distributed from a machine, so it was a round of SoCo and Lime…… After awhile we wandered to Pat O’Brien’s, it was definitely hurricane season and they hit with full force! GQ met up with us, I again decided to get some shots, this time the shot machine had Patron, this one is going to hurt. So I buy Sleazy a hurricane, me a hurricane and GQ a shot (and a shot for myself), had to fight off hurling, but ah that soothing burn of Patron…….  Call it a night and head back to the rooms. GQ does his throw ice into the room, I sweep the ice off the bed onto where Vince was sleeping, so he decides to celebrate it and dump ice into my bed, so I swept the ice onto the floor and slept in the other bed. Next day brought Tunica. I really hope those kids enjoy the computers we paid for…….. We all made our donations, but hit an all you can eat buffet, part of the buffet was Corky’s BBQ. Not bad, it was buffet, but the ribs were still good……. Retreating back to Memphis, we stop off to get some gas, Sleazy picks up some Klassy gifts, yes that’s klassy spelled with a K, that’s our Sleazy! That night we head to Germantown Commissary,  probably the best ribs I’ve ever had, their motto is “So good yull smack your momma!” Seriously, I would put those up against anything KC can do and KC would be humiliated! The only draw back is that it’s out in the suburbs…… Post dinner it was off to Beale again, Sleazy’s request, go to the Double Duece again. This time the mechanical bull was in full force as we watched for hours drunken idiots get chucked off this thing like a rag doll and be mocked by a guy who was best described as a guy who will go home, pleasure himself and play World of Warcraft for 8 hrs…….. Funny were the girls that got on the bull with mini skirts and acted surprised when their panties were showing…… That’s a classy broad…….. We drank a lot that night, had to deal with a prank that was, the only way to describe it, f’n disgusting. Next day was check out day, hit the road, stopped at Lambert’s because well we’ve been eating like pigs already, why not cap off the weekend….. After that, head home to catch up on sleep……

So this past weekend I headed up to the Windy for That Guy’s 30th Birthday. I rode up with J and I, all week the emails going back and forth between the four of us was pretty comical. That Guy said “Don’t forget to bring games and snacks for CB as he tends to get bored and whine on long car trips.” I replied with mentioning to That Guy to take the pots and pans out of his oven this time so in our drunken blur we don’t pre-heat the oven and almost burn our hands removing the pre-heated pots and pans…… I, otherwise known as the responsible one, said she would bring games and juices boxes for me and also some ointment for our fingers when we repeat burning our hands trying to make a pizza again… So I swings by and picks me up on Friday and we drive to J’s work, pick him up and head on our way to Chicago. They have a cooler in back with some sodas, water and a juice box for me, I rocks! Driving up I asks where I want to go for lunch, I said “I’m not picky, whatever works.” She asks J, J doesn’t care, tells her to pick, I has a rule about stopping at a fastfood restaurant that is connected to a gas station, J makes a comment, I responds with “Don’t argue with a pregnant woman!” I’m half listening and I look up and say “whoa! what did you say??” She said she’s pregnant, I reply “Wow, that’s awesome, who’s the father???” That draws a laugh from J. Yeah, I’m that guy….. So we stop at McDonald’s, eat lunch and keep on heading to Chicago. That Guy would text me asking “Where are you?” I’d reply “In a car” I’m so clever…… We get to Chicago in good time and then get snarled in traffic, get to That Guy’s apartment in time to ride over with him in a cab to the bar where his party was taking place. The way over That Guy said “It’s best we take a cab, we are all drinking a lot tonight.” Oh was he in for a surprise. So we go to Mother Hubbard’s, a good little sports bar, a lot of That Guy’s friends/co-workers were there already, they had many buckets of Miller products…. So me and J order a bucket of Select, we asked if we could get 4 selects and 2 O’Doule’s for I. I starts drinking her non-alcoholic brew waiting to see if That Guy would notice. He walked up, was talking to us, finally That Guy made a comment to I by saying “Tonight we are sharing a bed”, J chimed in “You can’t knock her up more than she already is!” You could see the wheels turning in That Guy’s head, the girl next to me says “Oh my God, is she pregnant?!?” Then That Guy does what most normal people do, say Congrats and hug her…. So the night is cruising along, we go through more and more buckets, Buckets in Chicago $24 each, OUCH! I buy That Guy a shot, because after all he’d had probably 9 shots and a bunch of beers already, I got him a Red Headed Slut shot. Do the shot, talk to one of his co-workers, she’s engaged, I had just ordered another bucket of beer, asked if she wanted one, she said “No, I only do shots”, I of course reply “Do you have a sister?” Again, I’m that guy, just without the shirt…… Pizzas are being passed down the line, a guy at the next table says “Can you guys pass the sausage back down here, there’s a girl that’s craving some good sausage.” Oh god, I have to bite my tongue because I don’t know everyone here…… Then another comment “Where’s the sausage, this girl can’t get enough sausage.” Why must God taunt me…….. Thank God, the sausage pizza is passed back to the girl wanting some sausage…….. Talking to another of his co-workers, she’s from New Mexico, all night she had been giving me trouble about my lack of support for Miller Lite……. So she flags me over to her table to meet her husband who just showed up, meet him and then she goes on to ask why I don’t like Miller Lite. I tell her it’s the taste, I like the High Life, you know, the Champagney of Beer……. She starts to tell me how she grew up in Los Alamos and that was the first beer she had drank, etc and started to tell her the story, I asked her how that was, what her dad did, etc. I told her about how I met the head of the D.O.E., she looked at me funny, I said Dept of Energy, she said she had never heard anyone refer to it that way. Well next thing I know it’s been about a 30 min sidetrack on the conversation and I still don’t know why she prefers Miller Lite….. What can I say, I have a gift of the Blarney…….. The night is winding down there, as most people are starting to leave. We get the bill, $800+, wow, not as bad as I thought, but we only have collected $180….. crap. So I look at my damage, I had 2 buckets and 4 shots, that’s uh, oh crap $100. So I pitch in my share, everyone else does, we don’t see if the tip is on there or not, one girl puts it on her credit card and keeps the cash, bill paid we are finishing our drinks and are going to head to a different place for karoke, cause that always makes sense when you’ve been drinking. J and I head back to That Guy’s place as I was getting tired, which she made it to about 11:30pm, not bad at all! We are getting ready to leave when the manager comes over and talks to That Guy, the manager asks if everything was ok, because apparently there was only a $7 tip. Opps. So That Guy gives the tip. We head out to go to Blue Frog. At Blue Frog we found $2 PBR, but it was wall to wall people there, so we head to Wells on Wells. We all pile into a mini-van cab, I’m in the way back, a girl sits on my lap, someone said it’s a short ride, I said “No worries, take your time.” Arrive at Wells, That Guy knows the bouncer, we all go in and of course head to the bar, got a bunch of drinks and we got a table, by this point all the beer and shots, after a beer or twelve That Guy starts fading fast,English is replaced with drunken mumbling…… So me and That Guy head out. Walking back to his place was entertaining to say the least, walking along he takes out his cell phone and it shatters into 3 pieces, it took both of us to reassemble it. Walking along, we run into a couple obliviously on a date, they are walking slowly talking, then the two drunken idiots come walking up behind them….. That Guy starts complaining about how slow they are, so he walks into the road, gets ahead of them, turns around to face them and says “This is how you walk” and starts heavy stepping on the sidewalk….. Ok, time to go…… We get back to his apartment, J and I had left the big flood lights on dim so we could see when we walk in. That Guy starts going on about the lights. I start to get out what I’m going to sleep in and see a bouquet of flowers from his mom on the table, had a big balloon tied to it that said “Happy Birthday”. So I started making fun of that, I heard us come in and heard our drunken ramblings, she heard That Guy say “no your Mom” and then me replying “Hey, my mother is a saint!” After that it goes quiet as That Guy passed out in the chair and I passed out on the couch. It was a pull out couch, but to much effort for me to pull out the bed part, so I just opted for the couch……. The next day we head to get breakfast and head to Wrigley Field, we had tickets for the bleachers, it was Cubs vs Diamondbacks, good game, long game. It was Carlos Zambrano bobblehead day. We arrive at Wrigley and start drinking around 10:30am, game ended around 4pm, Cubs lost and my liver and kidneys were losing to the Old Style….. We head to That Guy’s friends place and proceed to play bags (http://www.playcornhole.org/how.shtml) 4 hrs and about 36 beers later we decide we are pretty much done as the sun is setting and my face is a glow with sunburn…. Seriously it hurt when I thought…. Another comment about I and That Guy sharing a bed and J chimes in with “You can’t shoot a dead horse.” We go back to That Guy’s apt to bbq on his roof and hang out…… We were done by midnight……. Sunday we grab breakfast and head back to St Louis. I seriously think I did some severe damage because I was pretty absent minded for 3 days…… More absent minded than usual that is!

So it’s been a month since I’ve posted on here, the biggest news is I’m currently “gainfully unemployed.” It happened on June 28th, a Thursday, which I thought was a bit odd, but whatever. The only draw back was the next day was my parent’s 50th Wedding Anniversary, so all night I was barraged with questions. Everyone always asks me “are you doing ok?” Uh yeah, I don’t have to work and I get a check, severance rocks! Currently job hunting, so we’ll see how it goes…….

Now, on to the antics:

So Fourth of July was coming up and my buddy did his Top of the Met party to view the fireworks. Me and TD head there, enter the party and head right for the bar. He orders a beer, $6, I ask how much a mixed drink is, $6, well that solves that, vodka tonic please! Many drinks, we are running around, run into creepy guy who asks me repeatedly if my one friend is coming to the party, she’s not I tell him, repeatedly….. Very creepy! The fireworks start to launch, watch for a bit, walk through the party some more, run into SF, tell her about my pool party, she asks if she can bring some friends, I say sure and follow that up with “bring your boyfriend if you want.” She said “I don’t have a boyfriend” my reply “So you are saying i have a chance!” Yeah, I’m that guy…… Actually it wasn’t me, it was Seamus, he had been drinking heavily……. Post party we head to Pepper Lounge. There we run into Cosmo Boy, who gets us in the VIP section, a bottle and then leaves us, cause that’s always a good idea….. So it’s me, TD and Cosmo Boy’s intern. The intern brings up a couple of girls he knew, they all just graduated college. One girl sits down next to me, chatting with her she asks what I do, I said “We’ll I’m currently unemployed” TD chimes in that I’m “gainfully unemployed” and I explain now I know what it’s like to be a burden of the state, not work and still get a check, unemployment rules! We go through the bottle, I think there may have been another bottle I’m not sure. Somehow at the end of the night I end up with 3 email addresses. The girl I had talked to all night, she’s Croatian and asked me to pronounce her last name, somehow I slurred it correctly…. I rule, now I need to go home and die…….. Happy Birthday America!

Yes, weekend…..

So this past weekend was Sleazy Rider’s bachelor party. Friday we started out at our home away from home, Syberg’s. Grab some beers and then head east…… to Fairmount Race Track for Party in the Park, $1 beers and the sheer joy of betting in America’s Most Corrupt Race Track, God I love Southern Illinois! So I pretty much lost every race but one, the one race I didn’t bet on… Son of a….. Well at least the beer is cheap and the people watching was even better…. Plus those a-holes wouldn’t let me bet on the Ambulance or the Taurus, both were on the track, I’m sure they would have entertained that bet in Vegas……. Upstairs we were hanging out, betting, a shot girl came by, we bought shots from her and AJ threw out the question “What do you think a cougar is?” She said “uh a Woman’s Vagina?” Tex without missing a beat says “No, but I like your thought process!” We explained “COUGAR, not cooter!” She didn’t know what that was. We all were throwing back some beers, I look over and see Sleazy double fisting, in his defense, it was last call. Me, Tex and Vince find an open table and sit down, just happens to be next to a whole “den” of cougars. One cougar asks Tex to take a pic, so he says “on 3, say COUGAR! 1-2-3″ The group all yells “Cougar” and the one girl makes the claw swipe motion as she growls like a cougar. This was the point where you see the night starting to go downhill, it’s like you are on a roller coaster going uphill, you hear the clack clack as it’s going up the hill and you reach the crest of the hill, you look down and just see it’s a straight drop, to hell, that was where the night was going, all I could do is strap in and make sure my health insurance was current…… So after the track we head to Sundecker’s on the landing, it’s a great dirty little bar, much like it’s patrons. Heading from the track, an unexpected arrival of an out of state groomsman who just graduated the Marine Corps, he’s on his way to California and can spend the weekend with us, yes, I see the flames of hell from the top of the hill……. We park on the landing, all start telling old landing stories of our stupider days, ok, we were younger, that’s about it…. Walk into Sundeckers, NO BODY was there. We head out to the deck and make quick friends with the girl behind the bar. I have no idea what her name was, I remembered it then, but that brain cell that contains the information has sense died in the great battle of intelligence vs alcohol. We were her only real customers and by far the loudest people in the bar. Shots started flowing, Jager Bombs detonated, more jager, some other shots, Tex singing his favorite power ballads from yester year, the girl behind the bar asks about his shirt he’s wearing “What’s Skid Row?” she asks. The expression on Tex’s face was classic, it’s like he just watched her kill his family in front of him. He was stunned. But true to Tex form, starts busting out Skid Row ballads at the top of his lungs. A guy near by comes over and joins in the air jam rock symphony called 18 and Life….. By this point other Sundecker employees came out to hang out at the bar. We asked our new friend what she thought a Cougar was. She said “A school mascot?” Oh to be 22 again….. time ticks by, more beers, more shots Sleazy declares “No sleep ’til Brooklyn!” Crap. Tex tries to do an air guitar move and falls flat on his ass taking out a plastic car, everyone laughs. Sleazy has to go the bathroom and opts for the trash can next to the bar, he pulls it off without getting busted. Tex decides to write his phone number down for the girl behind the bar, he starts to write his number, gets midway through and looks at me and says “What the hell is my number??” I help him out after a little difficulty of my own finding his name in my phone, instead of her giving him her number, she gives him her email address. We all call her out saying “That’s a brush off move!” She explains if you email her 2x, you get her number. I asked “What is that, like a prize?!?” Walking to the car we encounter to super drunk and super young looking girls. Sleazy says to the one, “Vince will give you a piggy pack ride to your car” Vince points to me and says “He’ll do it.” The girl excited asks if I will. I said “Is there any money involved?” No she says. I said “Have a good night!” I don’t know if that is what upset them or the fact we kept referring to them as 19 yr olds and a member of the group who shall remain nameless kept saying “Let me see your 19 yr old boobies” (I think you can guess who said that and no it was not me!) So we venture over the river (again) past the “Discreet Motel” past the tranny street walkers to the Wild West of Ballets, the Rox. Mother Nature was calling all of us and we had to answer, but some dude in line in front of us didn’t have his ID and wouldn’t leave, finally he did, we pay and break for the bathroom. Relieved I got to the bar, as one guy referred the girl behind the bar as “Skeletor” I didn’t know if I should tip her or give her a sandwich, Meth is a hell of a drug! I find an open seat and sit down, half the group leaves, the groom and another guy flee to next door because of Skeletor, so me and Vince have seen enough tattoos and knife wounds, we go next door, cause that’s always a good idea. In PT’s Brooklyn, I see a few of the guys sitting there, I join them, a ballerina sits in my lap. Says “Do you want to go upstairs to the bar and conversionate?” WTF? Sure, what the hell, girls trying to use big words are funny. So I spend about an hour and a half upstairs hearing this girl’s life story, her real name, of course I give her my “stage name” Hi, I’m Seamus. She tells what part of town she lives in, how much her mortgage is, how long she’s been dancing there, how many kids she has, how she doesn’t like the “rules”, etc. I don’t set out for this, it just happens. Tex calls me asking where the f’ I am, everyone thinks I’m in the champagne room, I tell him upstairs bar, come up if you want. He barely knows where he is. Sleazy set out to see if he could get thrown out of the bar, again. Actually he never has, but it’s a game he likes to play, because well the entertainers are dead inside…… Chatting with her, I call her out, she says I’m so cute and easy to talk to, I say “I feel like I’m at Hooters where the girls will tell you they are so happy you are here because everyone else is boring, etc, etc.” She says she isn’t like that and said she wants to get my number, oh it’s become a game/social experiment to see if she is after the stumbling irishman or his wallet. I’ll let you decide which you think is the right answer. So to be nice I get a dance from her, she keeps saying “Let’s go to the bedroom!” Uh what. She explains it’s $370 for 1/2 hr. WTF?!? I’m on a limited budget I tell her. They take all credit cards she says, she won’t let it go. A break, she has to go up on stage. Sleazy by this point is done, it’s almost 5am, he says “I have to get home before sun up or I’ll turn to dust!” The girl gets done dancing, I tell her “we are leaving, do you want my number?” She said “I don’t have a pen, ask the bartender” Bartender tells me they don’t have any pens, wow, that makes doing credit card transactions a bit tricky! She said ask the door guy, I tell her “give me your number I can call you” She balked, said “Come up here tomorrow night.” I said “I figured you were that way, have a good night!” Stop by Syberg’s to get my car, Tommy T had written “I like little boys” on my dusty back window, f’er. Chuckle, wipe it off because in the end, I’m still a 17 yr old that finds humor in immature things like that and fart jokes.

Saturday I wake up around noon and am about as useful as a one legged man in a butt kicking contest (to quote my high school teacher). I call Tex and see how he’s faring, he’s still drunk and looking at houses with Tommy T. Awesome. I get a call from the teach, she wants to go up to the Taste of the CWE, seeing it’s up the street from me, what the hell, but the thought of booze makes me green….. She meets up with one of her friends, they both grill me about this guy the teach’s friend had met, what I thought, did he sound shady, etc. The answer was of course, yes. Don’t get in to deep with that guy, he sounds like he’s playing you, etc. Like most other girls I give advice to, she probably won’t listen, at least it gives me that “I told you so” moment followed by the awkward silence. So after taste I go to my parent’s 50th Wedding Anniversary. Huge accomplishment, amazing feat and time for me to give his liver a break and get my wits about him. I meet up with some of the guys at Humphrey’s because Grandpa Zick was in town. We threw back beers and talked about our college days, mostly Zick stories, ah how time flies. It was weird, we saw about 8 people kicked out, 4 for being to drunk, a few more didn’t have legal ids. Granda looked up and noticed a skylight and asked where that came from. Me and Vince laughed because when we were graduating, it was noticed that night before graduation. Funny was we realized there was another skylight no one had noticed, we really should look up more often…. I called it a night around 1:30am.

Sunday rolls around, back to Syberg’s for food, stories and then to the baseball game! Tex sits down next to me and says “What the hell is this???” and pulls out the email the girl had given him at Sundecker’s. I busted out laughing because it’s essentially Blondes Have More Fun abbreviated. I chuckled. We load up with food and head to the game care of Kevin the Shuttle Driver. We get to the game, bleacher seats! We are all struggling, smell like a brewery and the family of 3 next to us really looked like they were having a miserable experience. In our defense, we weren’t offensive, loud at times, when Pujols hit the HR’s, we’d chant OLE! OLE! OLE! OLE! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE! Jump around and high five. There was a group of girls on the other side of the family of 3, these girls talked a lot of trash, but knew their stuff, so that made it fun. They were all tatt’d up and pierced, I guess that’s what you do in Cali, layout at the beach and get inked. I really thought we’d lose KFO because these hill billy’s behind him, yes that’s the best way to describe them, they said they were “from Western Kentucky” I guess they don’t want to be lumped in with those uppitty Eastern Kentucky folks. Anyway KFO was wearing a Cardinals shirt that was sort of velvety is the only way to explain it. They were petting it and asking about it. At one point I heard the one tell him in a heavy deliverance-esq southern accent “You’re my dawg, I like you.” Oh God, make sure there’s nothing that cab be used as lube around…….. Post game back to Syberg’s for food, I go home, fell asleep on the couch for about an hour, woke up at 7:44 pm, I was dazed, confused, not sure where I was and thought it was Monday morning at 7:44 am. It took me a minute to get re-orientated, then I realized it was still Sunday. Awesome, time for the Sopranos! Read my other post on that. Ridiculous!

So I decided to join a boot camp my friend started, after deciding to get into some other shape besides out of or round……. The first session was what was referred as test day, run a timed mile, see how many sit ups you can do in a minute and how many push ups you can do in a minute. Well needless to say this Irishman was not nor still is built for speed…… I ran about 1/2 mile, had to walk a bit because well I couldn’t feel my feet, which is normal when drinking, but not when you exercising….. Walked until I felt like running, so I started to run again, I finished at the blazing speed of 13 min and 30 seconds. I blamed the traffic, not my out of shapeness…. (the boot camp is outside downtown, we had to run by the Stadium) Sit ups was next, I knew I was in trouble already, sweating like a prostitute in confession, breathing like a pervert on a 1-900 line. I do the situps, 33 in a minute, not bad, wow my abs hurt and I’m a sweaty mess. Push ups next, that was bad, I was done by 10, I know, I’m a little girl….. After that, my body pretty much said check please and I was left for dead through the rest of the session. The instructor, my friend, kept asking if I was ok and even follow up called later to make sure I was in fact ok….. I had committed to bettering myself, so I showed up for Round 2, did a lot better and noticed the more I went to the camp, the better I felt, and after the second session I wasn’t road kill on the side of the road after the camp……. What is nice was every session (2x a week for a month) is different, it wasn’t the same every session. The last day brought test day again, to bench mark our progress. So I ran the mile, shaved 30 seconds off my time. I increased my sit ups by ten and did roughly 23 more push ups… Big improvements and my blood pressure dropped drastically from 120 to 108…. I figured I didn’t die this round, I’d give my friend another chance at it, I signed up for the second session. First day, you guess it, test day. I chopped another minute off my mile run, and increased the sit ups and push ups a little. It is a big difference working out with machines than having to haul your own weight around…..

I’ve lost some inches, but the real casualty is the damage to my beer gut that I spent all of college working on…….

If you are interested on joining the boot camp or want more information, contact Fit City

fitcity1-fitness@yahoo.com

If I can do it, anyone can, seriously…..

It’s no April Fool’s Day joke, it’s the kick off of Baseball! The only fools were those of us that went to the yard early to tailgate in 30 mph wind gusts and cool tempatures. AJ staked out a spot for us to come down and join over the course of the day……. Here’s the hour by hour:

10am - Wake up with a feeling of excitement, it’s either gas or it’s because it’s Opening Day. Further examination determines it’s in fact Opening Day…….

1pm - Hop on the Metro Link, and head to the ballpark. Talk to AJ, he tells me what lot he is in and how much booze and brats he has. Since it’s during the Lenten Season, I am not drinking, soda and brats for me…….

1:30pm - Meet up with AJ, it’s windy as hell, can’t really set up the tailgating tent, flag pole, or what not

1:45pm - Folding chairs blow over

2pm - Try playing washers, I was throwing with the wind so it was pretty easy, AJ was throwing into the wind, made it a lot tougher, made it definately tricky

2:30pm - Gave up on washers, the rest of the boys start to arrive. Sleazy Rider texts me asking “What should I bring?” My reply, “A kite”

2:32pm - Folding chairs blow over

2:35pm - have to chase my folding chair, it got caught in the wind and scooted across the parking lot, son of a……. I didn’t realize I’d get a work out today

3pm- Rest of the group show up, most are 8 sheets to the wind as they were pre-partying early this a.m.

3:15pm - Folding chairs blow over again

3:30pm - Kirk Copeland from Z107 FM walks over with a wireless mic and says “Who wants to yell on the radio?” He gets an enthusastic cheers from the drunken revelers in our group, I could join in, I was on my fourth soda that day………

4pm - Meet my brothers and dad, get a free pass to Penthouse Club care of the um “Entertainers” handing out passes outside the ballpark, I love America

4:15pm - Enter stadium, spend $30 on a souvenoir sized soda and food (not literally, though it really felt like it)

6pm - Pre game festivities begin, World Series Champs celebration underway. World Series Banner raised, World Champs banners unveiled. They review the past 2 WS Championships and introduced players from the years, Stan the Man is introduced, fans young and old all rise to their feets and give him a standing ovation. It says something when someone retires over 40 yrs ago and is still revered as a god……. Ceremonies end with a fly over of 4 jets, they thunder overhead, Play Ball!

Cardinals lost the game, but at least the season has started!