CB’s House of Porn and Pancakes

My buddy Nuance sent this to me, thought I would share…………..

http://onion.com/opinion/index.php?issue=4129
The Onion I’m A Fucked-Up-Chick Magnet

Hey, I don’t want to brag, but when you got it, you got it. And when it comes to picking up women with severe personality disorders, I’ve got it. Seems like whenever I’m in the same room with a sexy young nutcase looking for some hot dysfunctional action, we lock eyes and I gaze right into the twisted, abnormal recesses of her psyche, and then—bam! We make an instant, undeniable, and incredibly unhealthy connection. What can I say? When it comes to women, I’m a fucked-up-chick magnet.

I know what you’re thinking: “Who is this guy to sound so full of himself?” I’m not being egotistical—it’s just true. Hey, I know I’m not perfect. Who is? We’ve all got problems. I’m sure I’ve got some myself. But here’s one problem I don’t have: the ladies. When it comes to charming every borderline psycho in a skirt, I take second place to no man. I guess I just give off that “Hey there, pretty lady with the lifelong unresolved emotional issues” vibe. It can’t be taught—you either got it or you don’t. And I got it.

Everywhere I go, all kinds of psychiatrically disturbed women come running—women who never got over a traumatic childhood accident, or habitually cut themselves, or slept with their stepfathers, or abuse substances while locked in self-destructive cycles of internalized loathing and rage. They just can’t keep their hands off me.

It’s been this way my whole life. When I was 14, I got lucky with a classmate’s mom. In high school, I dated every bipolar suicide risk in town. In college, I had at least a dozen girlfriends who couldn’t decide whether they were mental patients or lesbians. It’s just the way it is: Deranged dolls dig me.

I don’t even have to try. Maybe it’s chemistry, or pheromones, or these women can tell I’m afflicted with a complementary set of psychiatric disorders and their fucked-up-female intuition just can’t resist. Whatever it is, I’m not complaining. All I have to do is show up at a bar, and before last call, every damaged woman in the place will make a beeline for yours truly, looking to get me entangled in a horrific web of codependency, manipulation, and mutual denial.
The sex is great, too. Believe me, all these highly unstable women have so many self-esteem issues, identity crises, and subconscious needs for approval from absent or emotionally abusive father figures, they’ll do practically anything to try to please a man, no matter how self-destructive it is. Sweet!

Take this hot little nutjob who picked me up last weekend. Talk about crazy between the sheets! She cleaned my pipes six ways from Sunday before breaking down in tears out of nowhere at 4 a.m., screaming irrational threats, and trying to throw my stereo out the second-story window. Luckily, I was able to calm her down with a little TLC—time-release lithium capsules—and get her into a cab before she caused any serious property damage. But still, she can’t stay away—she’s been leaving, like, eight voicemail messages an hour on my cell phone. Hey, once they get a little taste of the old Deanster, they always come back for more… even after multiple restraining orders and injunctions.

All I can do is shrug and say, “Crazy women go crazy for me.”
Lots of guys have asked for my secret, saying stuff like, “Wow, you sure can pick ‘em,” or “Dude, you need help.” They can’t understand how I manage to attract so many hot, wild, desperately pathological chicks. But I can’t tell you my secret… It’s just some kind of inexplicable magic.
Well, whatever it is, I’m enjoying every fucked-up minute of it.

So Tuesday I decide this would be a good night to go out drinking because the day went to hell in a hand basket faster than Michael Jackson to an elementary school……… (what? what did I say?) Everything that could go wrong, did. I ended up finishing work stuff around 8pm, my friend Ro was up for getting a drink, so we wandered over to Sub Zero. Several drinks later and a pile of sushi, we are both half in the bag. So much for having just one drink, but in my defense she made me drink! (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!!!)

Wednesday I had a pretty lite work day, which was nice because I was deshelved from the previous night…… I hosted poker that night, took second place, couldn’t complain about that!

Thursday I went to the game, day game, in my dad’s seats, it was about 1000 degrees out and the seats were about 2000 degrees…….. It didn’t help that Marquis was getting worked over on the mound bad, I got there late in the first inning and we were already down 3-0…….. Needless to say I left when the score became 12-4 and my water had evaporated before I could drink it……

Friday brought on the Cards/Cubs series, it was a great time! A bunch of guys came down from Chicago, we were doing the friendly ribbing, me talking about Z “hey, at least our pitcher doesn’t get sore arms from being on the internet 4+ hrs a day…….” Every time I turned around, another beer was in front of me. We drank and drank! We got up after the game and there was a huge pile of beer cups under out seats………… I had to feel bad for them when the suicide squeeze came down and the Cards won! Really I thought they may cry……. Post game we ended up at Morgan St (like I said, I was with the out of towners), several big beers and shots of so co later, we decide to play pool until none of us can really shoot anymore…. So we decide to cruise on down to the President Casino. They almost didn’t let us on…… Being a bunch of drunken idiots we are, gambling seemed like a great idea. Though all the tables were full and the slot machines wouldn’t take my card/money, I figured this was God tell’n me, GO HOME! So I took a cab to Syberg’s were some of my friends were. I asked TT for a coke to go because they were heading to humphrey’s, TT gave me a big to go coke, but poured a bunch of captian’s in it, Son of a…….. midway out to Sabastian’s car, I decide to dump the drink, can’t even start it……. It was my gift to mother nature…… At humphrey’s, we all feel to old and leave after a drink.

Saturday brought on another Cards/Cubs game, this time, a day game. Not as much beer for me, though the bloody mary I had pre-game helped right the ship…….. Disappointing out for the Cards, they lose a close one, but it’s all good, we are still up by double digits in the standings….. That night I meet a bunch of people at Harry’s, on the patio, it was a sweltering 800% humidity! We were there for a little bit and then headed to do the tour none of us had done in years…… Started at Lotus, had some cocktails there and bounced over to Rue 13, caught Second Sun spinning there, phenomial show!!! Had some great sushi and enjoyed the Live PA act! Dr K was wasted and dancing around like an idiot! We wandered over to Velvet to meet up with some others, DJ CZR really dropped the ball. For all the hype he has, he did not deliver until the last 30 min of his set………. Second Sun buried him next door and they are relative unknowns….. After Velvet closed, I turned down several urgins from people to go east to view the Sauget Balet. Sunday was my niece’s bday party and I didn’t want to go smelling like cotton candy if you know what I mean…….

My liver took a beating this past weekend, I’m half expecting to wake up one day to see it leaving and taking the kidneys with it!!!

Thursday I went to the Brewery to see the movie under the stars. I can’t think of anything better than being in a courtyard of a brewery, the aroma of beer being made all around you, watching Office Space……….. Mother nature would have her say, it didn’t rain all day but decided to that night for a bit. It was ok, we retreated into the tour center and continued drinking until the rain cleared……. it started to let up, so we wandered out to re-stake out our spots. The rain wouldn’t let up, so we had a sure fire way to ensure it would stop, we sent Eric to his car to get his umbrella……….. like magic when he came back with his umbrella, it stopped! The night was perfect and the movie was of course, outstanding! After the movie we headed to Sub Zero for a couple dirty martinis and called it a night.

Friday I went the Cards game, stayed until the bitter end, saw Pujol’s walk off Home Run, was absolutely incredible! We had thought about leaving in the 11th, because AJ had to meet his gal, but he made the call and told her we’d be late……. Way to go AJ!!!

Saturday brought on a new day, more heat and R & A’s engagement party. I hosted the party at my parent’s house, which has a really cool pool. Thought it would be a nice setting for the party. Which it was, the party was pretty laid back, not your typical pool party, no kegs ended up in the pool like other parties, but it still did last about 10 hrs…….. In all, 5 cases of beer, 2 bottles of wine, 1 bottle of vodka, most of the soda, a case of water and tons of food was consumed in that time period.

Sunday brought on the cards game and the complete sweep of Houston!

Go Cards!

So last night was Paul Oakenfold at Velvet. I’ve seen Oaky many times in the past, he always puts on a good show and is quite the entertainer…….. The only thing I hate is when he does his little “Oakey is God” bit during his set…… but still, he’s a showman….. Well me and Big Mac head to Pepper Lounge to meet everyone before heading to Velvet. There was a ridiculous amount of tail running around there! Maybe it was because of the fashion show, regardless, it was outstanding! Looking for my one buddy, find him, he’s housed! (His name will remain out of the blog, but I will pick a code name not to reveal his identity, I’ll call him Cosmo Boy, no, that’s to obivious…… I’ll just call him drunk ass…….) I mean drunk ass is 8 sheets to the wind…….. Talking to his girlfriend (now will be known as, not drunk), I said some innocent things to her, the statements that would haunt me would be:

- What did you do to him? (refering to drunkass) He is wasted!
- Are you going to Oakenfold? Her reply “No, he doesn’t go on until 1am, but drunkass is” (Keep in mind, this is a normal convo, seeing he’s a CLUB promoter…… that’s like someone asking if I’m going to the boat or to poker…… it’s a given)

Well drunkass stumbles off for a bit, doesn’t come right back, so not drunk decides to leave because she had to work tomorrow…….. Drunkass stumbles by, I say let’s go to Velvet because Sebastian is parking outside. The other irishman Big Mac had just finished his drink and was ready to go. Drunkass says he needs to say good bye to not drunk, I informed him that she left…… so drunkass decides to call her, drunk. Here’s how the convo went:

Him: Says something
Her: You are drunk
Him: No I am not! (slurring words and holding on to a tree for support outside Pepper Lounge)
Her: You are to! CHRIS said so! (me gets thrown infront of the bus on that one, in my defense, if you had talked to drunk ass for 2 seconds or saw him walk, you would realize he was drunk)
Him: Says something, somehow Oakenfold comes up, he claims that he is drunk and is just going to go home (eventhough he told her earlier that he was going to Oakenfold to get us in all in for free)
Her: CHRIS said YOU are going to Velvet (well the bus has run over me, I can now hear the beep beep as it is now backing up to finish me off)

Finally drunk ass hangs up the phone and begins whining on how I wrecked his relationship, how I’m a home wrecker, etc. Then on top of that, it continued for most of the night…. Asking everyone he ran into, told the scenerio but then told people how I should have lied to cover it up for him…….. (this comes from the guy that lied about my lie I tell to strippers, creating more lies I have to keep track of……. oh come on, they are dead on the inside…..) My whole thing was this, in no way did I reveal any dark secrets, it wasn’t like I told her we were going to go to the east side or that we were going to get some hookers…… And he told her that he was going to get us in………. Again, HE’s A CLUB PROMOTER…… Didn’t seem out of the ordinary to mention Oakenfold………

Fast forward to the show, good times, drunk ass only stayed for a bit and then left……… Oakey put on a good set, I’ve seen better, but he didn’t play his old staples, which was nice that he didn’t just rely on that……….. Hernan Cannetto was awesome!!! Never had seen him live and did an impressive set! Got home around 2am, ears ringing and an interesting night behind me…..

You are probably wondering, what the HELL did Brennan get himself into this time…… Well sit back and read……….

Thursday night, a bunch of us headed to the Brewery to watch Road Trip. Me and Tom get there at the same time, we walk in the tour center and walk towards the music, we decide to walk outside the doors you go on for the tour, well as luck would have it, it was the wrong door to walk out and we get locked outside the tour center…….. As luck would have it, our only option is to walk to where everyone is via cutting through the band playing…… Thankfully the band was bad enough no one was really paying attention to them, we get to where we need to be (by ducking under the crowd control ropes) and head right for the beer. We find some of our other friends, who really didn’t save us any seating……. Son of a……… We camp out and enjoy all the eye candy roaming around there….. I’m telling you, it was ridiculous! Oh to be 21 again……… But I digress. After the movie (and several beers) we decide to head over to Big Daddy’s, literally a stone’s throw away from the Brewery, well I confuse easily, so I took my own tour around the brewery and eventually found Big Daddy’s. In Big Daddy’s I was greeted with a Jager shots……… Damnit, work tomorrow is going to suck!!! Some girl didn’t take to kindly to my sense of humor, smacked me in the mouth, I told her I would “lay her out like that dead hooker this morning.” That pretty much quieted her down………. I finally got home around 1am.

Up early for work and to yell at some contractors, I had a super long day on little sleep that took me from Downtown to the outer edges of O’Fallon (seriously, we went to the horizon and made a left…….) Then I had to go all the way back downtown for a bit, finally home at 5. I crashed on the couch for a couple of hours and realized I needed to go to the grocery store. So I jump in the car and start to go to Schnucks in Clayton because the eye candy is always better and I don’t want to wait in line for 6 hrs at the Lindell Schnucks……… So I’m making a left from Forest Park to Kingshighway, I remember checking my mirror before making the turn because the light had been green for some time and I figure it would change soon and wanted to make sure there wasn’t a cop around in case it went red while I was in the intersection……… Well I’m making my turn, sweeping the lanes to make sure there isn’t an ambulance coming (that’s always fun) when all of a sudden I hear screeching tires and catch a bumper coming at me out of the corner of my eye……… This guy tags my car like the buildings around SLU used to be…….. WHAM! my car rocks, I’m like “WTF, where did he come from??” So I pull over, he pulls over. He gets out, is pissed, I’m thinking, great, I’m going to have to call a cop to calm this mofo down. I look at my car, no damage, he somehow hit my back rear tire…… his car on the other hand has black rubber all over his bumper and head light lens. I just had a little paint rubbing, that’s it. I ask him if he wants to call the cops, exchange info, he says “No, don’t worry about it!”, I ask again, he says “No”, jumps in his car and leaves…….. I go to Schnucks and end up staying in that night. It was probalby for the better, that night, another friend of mine had 2 of his friends go to jail for seperate offenses……..

Saturday night was the dinner club with the married folks. Good meal, good friends and the desert of course rocked! That would be my creation, it was a Mudslide Pie. After the dinner club I headed out to Nectar to meet up with some other people. Nectar was cool, but we headed out after one drink. The big problem with Nectar is the music was way to loud, they added a sub woofer and play mostly high energy music. The main problem is that there isn’t anywhere to dance…… Nectar is trying to set itself apart from everyone else by doing everything different, but in that aspect, it’s following along with Rue, Lo, Upstairs Lounge, etc. They are small intimate lounges trying to be dance clubs……… It’s like you have battling concepts. You have a nice, intimate space, warm wood, soft colors, upscale looking. (but a little to close to what Pepper Lounge looks like) Upscale mentality, $4.50 beers (all beers, not just the 16 oz ones), $200 bottle service, big wine list, Stoli is the “well or rail” vodka. But then you are essentially punched in the face when you walk in with heavy bass songs and high energy songs……….. So it has potential be a great place for couples to go on dates or the older crowds, but instead you have to yell over the music because it’s trying to be for the younger crowd. Plus I don’t know how many upscale places play “Back that Ass Up”

Walking back to our car, we see several cars coming the wrong way down Locus, like not one, or two, about 5 and there were a bunch of cars parked facing the wrong way……. Not good Peter… We bounce over to my new favorite bar, Sub Zero, maybe it’s the hot russian girls, maybe it’s all the vodka or maybe it’s a combo of both…… We hung out at Sub Zero until close and finished off the night at Syber’s……… All in all good times!

Classic! All it is missing is a feathered mullet, a t-topped Iroc and Foreigner playing in the background…….

http://sleazyisms.blogspot.com/

Ok, so there weren’t any woodland creatures injured in this post or over the weekend, it did sound kind of funny though……..

Friday night brought back a great time in American History, 80’s Night at ten-14, I went with some co-workers and some younger “kids” (hey, I’m 30, anyone younger is a kid to me……) It was a fun night, good music (minus the Kenny G), good people and some interesting dancing styles on the dance floor…….. It wasn’t a true 80’s night, there was some hard house and a lot of the 90’s songs mixed in. Though when Paper Boy was dropped in, that was HOT! (Go ahead and bill me Paris……..) My biggest gripe with ten-14 is service. I waited FOREVER for 2 drinks at one bar, the one bartender, she was just helping her friends and flirting with a bouncer…… The guy bartender wouldn’t only serve you if you had boobs, granted mine are only an A cup, I guess it wasn’t enough……… So I bounced over to the other bar, the guy behind the bar was on his cell phone and ignoring me……. Finally get his attention, he tells me to go to the other bar, I told him, I was waiting an insane amount of time with no luck…… He asked me what I wanted, I said ” 2 orange Grey Goose and tonics”, he said he didn’t have goose at his bar, so I pointed to the bottle and he hung up his cell phone and served me…….. Ridiculous I tell you. This isn’t an isolated incident with this place, it’s pretty much standard…….. We closed down ten-14 and headed home because Liz had to work early the next day.

Saturday brought a new round of drinking, went to Sub Zero to meet up with Amit & co for some cocktails……. About a 1000 Hangers and Tonics and there were some house shots involved…… The waitress was awesome, she gave one of the guys a “Big Girl Straw (it’s was a curly straw)” My buddy replied “Can I just have the big girl?” That brought on the laughs…….. We closed down Sub Zero and called it a night

Sunday brought on the Nectar premiere party…….. Nectar is next door to The Pepper Lounge (it’s the old rocket bar). The night was full of VIP Areas, Stoli, the roaming mad camera man, DJ Andrew Mullins on the ones and twos…. and unmarked bathrooms….. But seriously they did a good job with Nectar, completely different from Rocket Bar, very nice high end bar, my biggest gripe is the price points, $4 beer is pretty rough, it’s 16 oz, but still, this is the lou….. All in all, a great night! The bottle service helped me almost go blind from the vodka…….. Chatted it up with a girl I hadn’t seen in awhile, our group moved the after party back to the Chase were the Grey Goose flowed like water……… Around 4am, the girl I had been talking to was on her phone for a long long time………. At that point, I ran out of steam…….. I tapped out like someone caught in the Walls of Jericho………. The quote of the after party was “I’m out, I can’t compete with the 4am booty call, I’m sticking with strippers and gambling, it hasn’t misled me so far………”

And with that, I’ve spent today catching up on missed tv and generally rehydrating……… Have a happy and safe fourth!!

So I’m in line at the local Schnuck’s, getting a birthday card for my Sister in Law, I walk up, give the cashier my card for her to ring up, keep in mind, I was under the gun time wise, and the lady behind the counter rang up the card and then proceeded to read the card on the outside and inside……. She commented on how funny it was and then started to ask me about who I was getting the card for, are they are Fourth of July baby, etc. etc. Then started to tell me about her life story and generally just going on….. I wasn’t trying to be rude, when you don’t have a lot of time, it’s kind of like a stripper, they serve a purpose, I really don’t want the Behind the Music story……… To quote Stiffler from American Wedding “I don’t care, can’t you just dance for me!” I was cordial, paid her and got the hell out of there! Happy Fourth!

As a patron of your products, I would like to request the full refund of 5 + hrs I’ve wasted on two of the worst movies to come out of your studios in a long time, plus these are hours that I will never be able to recover but probably could have been spent doing something more productive for society……… Plus I feel dumber now for watching both of these………

The said movies are:

- The Terminal, starring Tom Hanks, directed by Steven Speilberg, you would think this would be an interesting movie, if anything, it shouldn’t suck as bad as it did……. If you have not seen this movie, seriously, Tom Hanks must have agreed to do it because he had to support some habit or his rent was due. No one in their right mind would agree to do such a bomb without just wanting the money……… If you don’t know the story, he’s a foreign traveler who comes to NY City to get an autograph of a jazz musician, by doing this he completes what his father couldn’t do before he died. Hanks has to stay in the airport because his country is no more due to a civil war and change in leadership, the US won’t recognize the new leadership, so he can’t be admitted into the US, nor can he go home. Long story short, he eats a lot of fast food, falls in love, she denies him because she’s in love with a married man, he defies the law, the law lets him leave, he gets the signature in time for the war to be over in his home country. So he goes home. There, I’ve saved you 2+ agonizing hours……..

- Paycheck, starring Ben Affleck, need I say much more, except it tries to be the Matrix at times…………… I’m not even going to waste my time going into any detail about this movie, as it does not warrant it………

Now you may wonder why I would watch these movies, well when one has 30 million movie channels and that’s all that is on, it’s like a car accident, you don’t want to look, but you find yourself looking anyway………

The weekend rolls around (ie: Thursday) and I round up a few people to head to Lotus for their Easy Thursdays, no cover, $2 Sangaria, world beats, down tempo music. Good vibe, interesting concept they have Church Pews to sit in, but the ceiling has a bunch of disco balls hanging down…… It’s a lot different from the days of Lo, where the only window you had to the outside world was a little 4×4 window in the door…….. Now they have massive walls of glass so you can see outside…….. The Sangaria you have to be careful with, it will definately sneak up on you! Though I ordered it by saying “I’m a big fan of drinks made in plastic buckets, I’ll take one…….” We chilled at Lotus for a while, after Lotus we headed to Sub Zero (except Nuance and Tyler, they headed home), where my buddy was working. We walk in, order up some drinks, an AB rep comes over and offers us free beer, thanks pal, where were you 5 minutes ago when I was ordering this $6 drink??? But I digress, so we of course order our favorite AB products from him and end up double fisting most of the night………. (seemed like a good idea at the time……)

Some highlights of Sub Zero:

- Some dude showed us a video he took an hour before at some restaurant were a midget stripper came in and started dancing around the table
- Russian girls are HOT!
- Darmody stories never get old

Sabastian, Seamus and just plain Daryl went on to view the Sauget Ballet until the wee hours of the morning, they apparently were disappointed………