CB’s House of Porn and Pancakes

So as you call tell from my title, I was up in Chicago last weekend for the Cards vs Cubs series. I took Friday off because we are hitting the road early in the morning. Well Sebastian was a bit late getting to my place, we finally hit the road a little after 10am. What would shortly learn after beginning our journey is that Brian had loaded up on White Castles for breakfast…….. So periodically the car would be filled with a stench that could knock a buzzard off a manure truck 500 ft away….. Seriously, my eyes were watering at times, and when you are driving that’s never a good thing…… So we stop for food at McDonald’s, which is like adding gasoline to a roaring fire for Brian…… Everyone wants to drink on the way out, except of course yours truly. So we stop for beer, everyone is drinking and being idiots holding a wipe away board out the window that says “Show Your Tits, Please” Hey, at least they were courteous……… Shockingly no ladies obliged, but some did have a good chuckle. So not only did I have to endure the stench coming from the sulphur factory in the back that goes by the name of Brian, but I had to endure them saying I drive like an old man because I wouldn’t push 80, odds were if we got pulled over, I would be put through a battery of soberity tests due to the fact there were open containers all over the back…….. So 5 + hrs and a few potty stops, we finally make it to Chicago……. Only an hour and a half late for the game…… We drop off stinky ass to get the tickets and we roll down the windows to air out the car and park….. We find one lady that has a spot in her garage for $30 right next to the stadium, said we have to leave our keys with her…….. ah, yeah right, all of our stuff is in the car…… We end up parking not to far away. We don our Cardinal gear and head over to meet up with stinky ass. He’s sporting a Cardinal hat and what looks like a Cubs tshirt, until you look closer and you see it doesn’t spell Cubs, it spells Cursed. So we head into the stadium, Son of a……. it’s the 7th inning and they are losing……. But we are here and we have beer…….. I hand Sebastian the keys and start drinking….. The beer tastes good and hopefully I’ll regain my sense of smell………
Post game we head to Hi-Tops, a bar near there. $5 to get in, $5 bottle beer, not good Peter….. I walked in, a Cub fan stopped me and said “First time in Wrigley?” I said “No, been here a dozen of times” he said “Oh, so I guess you’ve seen a lot of losses” with a smirk on his face. My reply, “Yeah, a lot of Cub losses” smiled, patted him on his back and walked off…. After several beers and a shot thanks to AJ, we decide to head to get food. One group goes back to Lincoln Park, we end up at a Chinese Place in Wrigleyville, it wasn’t crowded thank God, because we were drunken idiots….. After dinner we headed to our home for the weekend, our friend’s loft in the West Loop area. (Needless to say, our car still smelled of stale ass hours after we parked) Nice loft, had a great view of the Chicago Skyline from her balcony. We showered and headed out to meet up with everyone else. First stop, Tilley’s. We order up drinks and just hang out. Stinky Ass is giving me and Sebastian grief because neither of us was drinking at his speed….. So to prove my manhood, I proceeded to slam 4 Kettle One’s in a row (for those of you keeping track at home, that was the drink at the loft that always made me go blind), so the 5th Kettle, I sipped it, thus have proving my manhood. We stumble out, destination, no idea. We had a couple of cars, so we were going to drive to the next spot. Me and Kevin hitch a ride with Jessi. As we are walking to the car, two guys in front of us are walking along, suddenly this huge guy runs up and starts a huge fight in front of us……… We watch as a guy gets thrown onto the hood of some parked car, others rush in to break up the fight and we walk on……. We get to her car, direct her to the next bar, we had to talk her in to parallel parking….. Kevin is out directing, I’m the voice (drunken) of encouragement in the backseat. She gets it into the spot, we head to the next bar. Couldn’t tell you the name of it, because they changed bar ideas so many times. Cool place, but hella packed. So we decide to bounce and head over to meet Tom and AJ at the Hang Up. Well back in Jessi’s car, we had to talk direct her out of the space (apparently in smaller towns in Illinois parallel parking isn’t an issue……) Off to the Hang Out, which we got lost for sometime, I kept asking “Are we in Chicago still? or “We’ve been driving around for hours, where the hell is the arch???” …… After finding it, we see a massive line outside, get a call from the other group, they are going to the W….. we go there, have some cocktails and decide to call it a night. On the way out, getting into the elevator, Altman almost gets into a fight with a dude in a corduroy jacket and a “Virginia is for Lovers” T-Shirt.
Riding home, there are 3 of us piled in the back of Jessi’s Sunfire, Kevin is navigating and all of a sudden he says “Speed Bump!” We all braced, 3 seconds go by and nothing, so we all relax, just then “Boom!” we hit the speed bump, all 3 of us in the back, our heads smack against the back window, I look over and the 2 guys next to me are holding their heads also…. The rest of the ride home I kept saying “Ow, my noggin’” or “Jessi gave me a concussion!” She tried to convince us otherwise, but we know the truth……..
Fast forward to all of us getting ready for bed, our friend, whose condo we were staying in, was not spending the night there, Eric decides to take her bed. That leaves me with the couch, Altman with the other couch, Sebastian and Brian with their inflatable mattresses……. Brian decides to be funny, grab’s Eric’s boxers sitting on the floor and throws them over the wall into the second bedroom (there’s a 2 ft gap between the top of the wall and the ceiling) onto Jessi. I hear “Oh my God! What is this?!?” And then she calls our friend (who’s place it is) to tell on us……. Me being the nice guy that I am, grab Vito’s comforter and use it to remove Eric’s road worn boxer’s from Jessi’s bed…… I know, I know, I’m to nice…..
Saturday started with a 2+ mile hike to the L Red Line stop, just go to State street everyone said, you can catch it there. Yeah, thanks for telling us it’s at the end of the earth, I’m hung over, my head hurts and every vehicle going by has a siren wailing and a damn harley parade goes by……. God Hates Me. We get to Slugger’s in time to catch the game. Of course we are in our Cardinal red and start drinking…… Bloody Mary right out of the gate gets my head on straight….. We drink all day, hit Murphy’s Bleachers, so guy draws a cartoon of me, we join in the “Let’s go Cardinals chant”, beers are $4 for the metal bottle and eye candy is plentiful, God Loves Me. We end up at Buffalo Wild Wings, we order about 100 wings for our group, chow down, watch some college football and head home to shower change and do it all over again. This time we go to Vaughn’s, beaten down from the day of drinking, I try to rally and switch to JW Black Label. It succeeds in dinging my wallet and kicking my ass. We bounce next to De Ja Vu, not the strip club, this a legit club. Closed out the night there with a Starry Night shot and the Silver Bullet. All in all, good times!

So it’s the night for Jugdish’s bachelor party, we kick off the night by meeting at Syberg’s. Several beers and some food, the bus arrives and we head out. First stop, Sub Zero…. We roll up, after slamming beers on the quick 10 min ride to Sub Zero. We get out and are greeted by Panda. He hooks us up with some reserved seating, so we have that going for us, which is nice….. I order up a dirty martini, the bartender asked how dirty, I said “I like it like my women, DIRTY!” That was the start of the night going slowly downhill……. At Sub Zero, I asked the slurring groom to be what he would like for a drink, he said “a white cosmo”, my response was “WHAT?” But being a good friend, I ordered it for him (and almost had to kick my own ass for doing it…..) After Sub Zero, we head to the Study Hall on the Landing. On the way to the landing, the AC died on the bus, and after the bus dropped us off, the bus died….. Son of a….. Stranded on the landing…… Study Hall was nothing to write home about, but I was a big fan of the girls in the school girl outfits….. After that we went to Morgan St, one of the guys couldn’t get in because he had a ticket and an ID, so we went to Sundecker’s. Good times were had by all! The replacement bus arrives, so we walk out, it’s an Excursion stretch limo…. We pile in and we some how picked up an extra person, some random girl that was evacuated from Florida during the Katrina hurricane…… She rides with us to Big Daddy’s, that was the point were the groom to be realized he had to puke, so the nearest area he could find was to go into the kitchen and puke in the sink…… The bouncer found him and told him to leave, somehow he made it upstairs and found us. He proceeded to puke about 40 minutes and we had to go…… Not a bad night and a tame one, but still fun none the less……..

So I go up to the local Bread Co today with Cosmo Boy, we grab lunch, afterwards we run next door to grab cigars for tonight’s bachelor party (be sure to check back later for that story), after that Cosmo Boy heads home, I decide to run through the craft fair in the CWE. To say it sucked would be a compliment……. Absolutely, positively nothing of interest there….. On my way out, I got intercepted by the MOPIRG people. You know, the young idealogist that want to hug mother earth, but still cruise around in their gas guzzling cars and are just as wasteful as the rest of us….. but I digress. So this girl asks if I want to sign some petition to save the environment, yada yada yada. I politely said “No.” She asked if I cared about the environment, I said “Yes, but I don’t like/agree with your organization.” I left her stunned in her Birkenstocks………..

My hatred with MOPIRG goes back to my days at SLU, they were put on our tution bill, if you wanted to donate to them, you would check the box. I would be ok with that, but the way it was carried out was wrong, originally it said “If you care about the environment, check here.” Or it would say something like “Check here to support the environment”. So ontop of the big bill you’d get from SLU, you would get dinged for more money for MOPIRG. Thankfully that lasted 2 of the years I was at SLU and MOPIRG was thrown off the tution after the students rose up against it………

To quote the movie Friday “Are you f’n with my money???”

Just file this under WTF??

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