CB’s House of Porn and Pancakes

This past weekend was Cards vs Cubs. Now all my Cub loving friends were touting all week about how the Cubs were going to sweep the Cards again, yada yada yada. This is also with the knowledge of Derek Lee (their offense) is out for 2 months and Z (their only other pitcher besides Maddux) was not scheduled to start…. So I went to Friday’s game, the Cardinals manhandled poor Williams who was pulled before he could bat, but when you give up 7 runs, there’s not much left to do but the crying….. And for Cub fans, that’s about all they got…… (HEY OOOOOOOOOO) First game goes to the good guys. Wasn’t at Game 2, but the good guys came from behind to win again. With that win, we took the series, with the first win we avoided a sweep. Sunday’s game, Game 3. The bad guys win. My Cub loving friends (The communist that they are!) Start to gloat about the win. Until I reminded them:

a) You can’t win when you have 3 errors

b) You can’t win when your pitcher lets up 5 hits, of those 2 are HR’s

c) We knocked you down in the standings so now you are a ½ behind us

Go Cards!

So my weekend started on Thursday. I went up to Brennan’s Wine bar to meet my friend L, her friend W and L’s boyfriend Harris was coming up later. L was having one of those days and wanted to drink, me, it was a day ending in y so that was good enough for me…. L got up there with W around 7:30, I got up there around 8:30, L will dispute that, but don’t believe her, she had been drinking….. So anyway I had some catching up to do. I get a Malbec from Argentina going off W’s recommendation. 3 more of those and Harris shows up. Nature decides to call, so I must answer. While in the bathroom some girl keeps knocking on the door, I think at first it’s either L or W being obnoxious, at first I did “Occupied”, they knocked louder and more. So I said “I’m sorry, I can’t come out, I’m doing the dishes.” (From Animal House) Well they knock even harder and longer. I finish, wash my hands and open the door, some strange girl is like “What the hell took you so long? You are a guy” I said “HEY! I was breaking the seal, these things take time” She didn’t like that answer, but what do I care, they don’t know me here, oh wait, yes they do, crap. I return to the table, L tells me, I ordered you another, I hope you don’t mind. My response “Hi, I’m Chris, I don’t think we’ve met……” Another glass of wine and a brilliant idea comes over me and L, we want cigars! Partly because some others that joined our table were smoking the small cigars that look like cigarettes. Another glass of wine and a cigar later I’m feeling pretty good. We pay the bill and end up at Rosie’s Place. It’s this little bar around the corner from Brennan’s. I had been by it a million times, but never in it. I always thought it was a restaurant of sorts. We walk in, go up to the bar and order a round. The bartender greets us with “I’m drunk, everyone has been buying me shots all night” my first thought is “NICE!” So brilliant me, after the wine and cigar decides whiskey is the next logical step, because well it’s Thursday night and all. I order JW on the rocks, everyone else orders, I said “I’ll get this one, what’s the damage?” He looks at me and says “I don’t know, $12?” SOLD! It should have been about a $25 bill. I give him a $20, he gives me $10 in change saying, “I don’t have any ones” I hook him up on the tip as he stumbles off…… I guess shortly there after he wasn’t allowed to server drinks or interact with the customers, he just stood in the corner behind the bar….. They called Last Call and we headed out into the night. Nuance drove me home. All in all, good times!

That was the title of the email I received in my myspace.com profile. Yes, I’m on there, along with Friendster, but myspace.com is much cooler……. Usually I don’t really read emails from people I don’t know because 9 times out of ten it’s some yahoo wanting to look popular by seeing how many friends they can have on their profile, regardless if they know them or not….. Or some Russian girl looking for a husband. Anyway reading the email I realized I do know him, he’s the other Chris Brennan that everyone has confused me with him and him with me since high school….. Turns out he’s a friend of one of my friends and found me on my friend’s profile.

Small world.

So I wake up one morning, stroll into my bathroom to start my day (HEY! Everyone has their own rituals) take a couple steps in and was greeted with a “squish” in the carpeting. (The geniuses before me had the bathrooms carpeted) My first thought was my dog was made at me and left me a present. But I realized instantly that the side squish was ice cold. Next thought, “Damnit! I thought I was the only thing that leaked in here!” (what? What did I say?) So I do some investigating and find that the wall is wet and there’s water dripping down from my tank of my toilet. I call the plumber who comes out, says if they have to go into the wall, it’s $140 an hr, 1 hour minimum and they aren’t replacing the wall. (I figured the latter…..) He said my service line was the culprit along with a leaky “ballcock”. (incase you are not familiar, the ballcock is the guts of your toilet, it is the flushing machinism) He said it with a straight face, me, I was biting my tongue trying not to giggle like a little school girl. It worked, for about 2 minutes….. Thankfully they didn’t have to go through the wall, but $300 later my ballcock is nice and dry. Let that be a lesson to all of you out there, don’t let your ballcock end up like mine, otherwise you’ll be ripping out carpeting like me…….

How else can one spend opening day in St Louis otherwise?? So this year Opening Day fell on my Birthday, it’s about the only reason I was looking forward to turning 31, birthdays are much like black jack, over 21 really isn’t much fun, except for 25, you get a reduction on your insurance, yippeee! So anyway we go to the new Mike Shannons for lunch. In attendance was my dad, 2 of my brothers and a couple of their friends. We end up with a pimp daddy table, thanks to Cosmo boy, who was running the event outside in the beer garden. We drink several beers, eat lots of food and then head to the new yard. We walk in the gate, get our Attendance Certificates and refig magnets. Walk around the yard for a bit, took our seats. I snapped a pic from the seats on my cell phone and emailed it to some friends. I got such replies as ” Have fun, you bastard” or the ever so popular “You suck!” My one brother was determined to keep me drinking all day, not very hard to accomplish…… So we kept a good pace all day, I went to the stadium with about $60, left with about $4 and not much to show for it except for intoxication, much like the East Side, minus the lingering smell of cotton candy…….

The game was good, I went to visit D, she was with one of her friends at standing room only part, near the bleachers, I knew she was drinking because she text me “I just spilled my big beer on a family of four……” I meet up with D and her friend, hang out with them for a little bit, D was talking to me and almost burned me with her lit cigarette by accident, as she pulled the cigarette away, she almost dumped her beer over the side (again), this time not on a family of four, but some unsuspecting fans waiting in line down below…….. So for safety’s sake, I offered to hold her beer…….. After an inning, I head back to the seats……. I make it back to the seats unscathed and watch the rest of the game. It was awesome hearing fireworks again………

Post game, I headed to Mike Shannons to meet up with Cosmo Boy, Sabestain, Stiffy and the rest of the guys. I was walking into the garden, asked the security guy, “Where’s Cosmo Boy?” The guy was answering me and all of a sudden out of no where Panda runs up and puts the choke hold on me and said “What’s up jerky?” I find Cosmo Boy, get some wristbands for me, D and her friend. Hanging out in the VIP, I’m cashless and start a tab. Soon, D, her friend arrive, then Sabestain and the rest of the crew arrive and the antics started……..

- The take a pic to get the hot girl in the background happened several dozen times
- My ass was slapped about 5 times, I hope by J and not by Sabestian
- At 6:57pm Seamus and Sabestain farted at the same time, their mothers would be so proud
- Ophelia kept saying “Balls”, Ophelia is Sebastian’s sister, again, their mother would have been proud
- Lots of beers and a few dozen capts later we decide to go for food
- When the bill arrived, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, no where near the GNP of a 3rd World Country

Post Shannons we went to Syberg’s. I had to walk back to my car (it was at work still) D went with me because she works near me and that’s where her car was, she was complaining about her foot and was limping slowly, so it took awhile to get to the cars. We get to our cars and head to Sybergs. I get there first, I thought I would be the last, I run into Blondie and Gurt, Blondie is a bit on the tipsy side, she wishes me a happy bday and buys me a Red Headed Slut shot, damn her…….. The Jager girls were asking where my friends where because they were feeling reject and didn’t like how all the guys were rejecting them. I thought to myself “I’ve heard that line before, on the IL side, damn why does everything come back to strippers? I really need to stop hanging out with Cosmo Boy and Tito so much…….” (Naaaaaaaaa, that’s for you Tito) The rest arrive, D arrives last, apparently Megelan missed the exit and had to loop around at Kingshighway……. We settle in to order, Bellers had the fortunate luck of getting us as her table….. A few ice fights, some chicken wings and some Advil for D’s foot, we call it a night……. All in all good times….

D called me today, her foot was killing her this morning, went to the doc, hairline fracture, OUCH! But makes for a good opening day story, spilling beer, almost burning me with a cig and breaking her foot

Here’s my take on the Stadium and the 2006 Cardinals:

- Stadium, cool. I like the retro look, the cushioned seats, all the seats have cup holders, the scoreboard is amazing and the outfield view is awesome
- Prices suck, everything is a lot more expensive, last year you got 24 oz beers, this year is a plastic bottle, 16oz…..
- The bathroom closest to our seats is like the old Arena, one way in, same way out, inside it’s 5 urinals, 3 stalls, where 2 more urinals could go, there’s a damn baby changing station, one of the guys walked in, looked around and said “Jesus, I bet a woman designed this!”
- Big plus, more Kosher Dog stands! I may not be Jewish, but I do know that dog is 100% beef…
-I like the manual scoreboard from the old Busch up inside with the scores from the last game of last season
- Overall it’s a great ballpark, Cosmo Boy summed it up best by saying “Someone explained it to me like this, say you had a dog forever that you loved, it died, you get a new dog, you try and love it, but it’s not the same as the old dog……” Very true

What makes me mad:

- Cards are 3rd in ticket prices, 11th in payroll, more luxury seats, higher concession prices which leads to having projected revenues of $200 million….. Open up the coffers a little and let’s get some better OF talent than Larry Bigbie, I will give Jocketty Miles, he worked out a lot better than I thought…….

Cards as a whole:

- Should be alright, we will have some rough spots with the bullpen

Going to the game Friday and doing the Birthday bash celebrations this weekend, so stay tuned, keep your cell phone on, we may need bail money!

So I’m walking Bailey the other night, it was perfect weather out, I’m walking her through Forest Park, I’m near Steinberg Ice Rink when it’s starting to get dark, I decided to walk over the foot bridges because they spit me out by Kingshighway. So I cross the first bridge over Forest Park Expressway, I get to the second bridge that takes you over the Metro Link tracks, I’m about halfway across the bridge (by this time it’s dark), I see a figure at the end of the bridge, blocking the stairs, looks like Lawerence Fishburn, wearing all white, white kangroo hat on backward, dark sunglasses, arms outstretched, seemed like he was chanting or something. I kind of stop in my tracks, thinking “And this is how it ends” Start walking towards him. Thankfully he looked at me, looked at Bailey (She’s 113 lbs now) and got the hell out of my way, I pass by, he moves back to the end of the bridge, stretches out his arms and starts chanting……. I’m just going to file that under WTF……

I’m sure we’ve all seen the email forward that says “Every time you masturbate God kills a kitten” well here’s a way to kill some kittens without going blind………

http://www.samuraikittens.com/

So a couple weekends it was my buddy GQ’s bachelor party out in Vegas. The usual suspects were out there, GQ, Sabastian, Tommy T, The Mad Deeznutzer, Farns and others that came in from other areas of the US. Farns flew out early to place bets on the start of the NCAA Tourney, I texted him a parlay to place for me and I said I’d pay him when I got out there. I fly out of Mid America Airport, which if you are not familiar with it, it’s in wonderful downtown Bel-Vegas. It wasn’t bad, I flew out on Allegiant Air, which was a full sized airplane, by flying Allegiant I saved myself about $200, plus they had the exact times I was looking for…….

During the day I was watching the scores, my 3 team parlay was looking nice, just had to have Gonzaga cover and it’s all good…… I get to the airport around 8pm, after driving to the middle of no where and kept saying “Where the f’ is this place???” Well the answer I found is in the middle of an f’ cornfield! But hey, it’s all about the cost cutting……… Before I get on the plane, i see the end of the Gonzaga/Xavier game, Gonzaga is covering with 3 seconds left, they just let the Xavier guy do a lay up untouched and score two points. Game over. They didn’t cover the spread….. Son of a…….

On the plane, I settle in. 3 very enormous and drunk guys occupy the seats behind me, I didn’t think much of it until the guy behind me thought he’d be cute by keep hitting and kicking my seat. So once in the air, the guy decides to lower his tray, not the normal way, pretty much unlatches it and lets it drop……. So that rocks my chair. I decide to teach this A-Hole a lesson, for every kick, bump, etc of my chair, I would launch my seat all the back and knock whatever the hell he had on his tray to the floor. So a kick would come, then my chair, then it would be quiet for a bit, then a bump, kick, whatever, I’d send my chair back at him. If anyone was going to win the immaturity duel, it would be I…….. By the time I get to Vegas, I’m tired, cranky and my thumb hurts from pushing the f’n seat release button so much…….

Once in Vegas, I hop a shuttle and go to our hotel, which was the Rio. I get in line, Farns greets me with a beer, the line was long and I went through a couple beers before I get up to the counter, right as I’m going to walk up to the counter, some random dude walks up and gives the girl behind the counter a dozen roses…… Proclaims his love to her and then walks away. I walk up and say “I don’t have any flowers, but will you check me in?” Right then GQ walks up to see where my room is, I requested a room by the other guys. The girl tells me there is one room with 2 Queens (we were piling 5 guys to a room, so a King sized bed was NOT an option), she said housekeeping needs to clean it still, I said “No problem, I’m dropping off my bags and won’t be home for 8 hrs” Keep in mind it was 12am Vegas time……. She informs me that she talked to Housekeeping and “They are not renting out that room for the weekend” My thought was “Great, someone killed a hooker in there.” She offers to upgrade me to a Diamond Suite, same price and apologizes. Said it’s a King sized bed but they can send up a roll away. I said “Done” Without missing a cue, GQ says “You guys put us in a smoking room, my brother is highly allergic to smoke, can we get a Diamond Suite too?” He gets upgraded for free, both big winners! We get the keys, round up the boys and head to the rooms, on the way I get propostioned by a latino hooker with gi-normous boobs. I thought to myself “I’m here 10 min, get upgraded to a Diamond Suite and propostioned by a hooker, this is going to be a great weekend!” That night we piled into our “rental” which happened to be an H2, though GQ wouldn’t drive over a car or through a building like we wanted him to……… That night we waited for the last guy to get in and we hit the Sahara, we wanted to gamble Old Skool……… Did well there, I won most of my money there, playing Single Deck Black Jack of all things…… Everyone was faring well, GQ was up to 4 digit winnings…… We finally left Sahara at sun up…… Got back to the Rio, I really wanted to place some bets at the sports book because tip off for the next games was in about 3 hrs…. So I go to the book, fill out my parlay cards, walk up (hammered by the way) and they tell me the computers are down, I said “Let me in back there, I’ll get them going…..” For some reason they didn’t go for that…… So while I was waiting for the computers to come up, I decided to check my parlay cards, yeah, I had selected the wrong teams mostly. So I get new cards to correct the bets, you know the saying 3rd time is a charm? In my case it took my roughly 5 times to get the right f’n bets, much to the amusement of those behind the counter. But at this point I hadn’t slept in 28 hours and had set sailed with the Captain……. I get my bets in and go to bed……
I wake up to find most of my parlays are blown out of the water by the end of the first games…… I hit on the Bucknel upset, I bet that straight up…… Daddy has more cash…… The rest of the crew gets out there that afternoon and the antics begin……. Here are the cliff notes:

- A few of us went to the gun range and shot a M249 SAW (Squad Assault Weapon), 50 rounds belt fed ammo, fully automatic, it was frick’n sweet! The one guy with us didn’t want to shoot that, so he asked about hand guns, the guy behind the counter said “Well the problem is we don’t have anything with Pink handles for you…….” We all had a chuckle, well except him…..

- Tried to get into a few clubs, but with 10 guys we jokingly said “We have to many guys to go to a gay bar…….” We got hassled by all the door guys where ever we went

- Went to Sapphire, the World’s Largest Strip Club, which is about 3 miles from Seamless, which also claims is the World’s Largest Strip Club, only in Vegas…. Sapphire was a cool place, they had about 200 girls working and Sky Boxes….. It was hella pricey though, I tried to get a soda because I was tired of the $9 beers, the soda cost me $6, son of a……. but the naked girls kept me distracted……..

- Capt Ezo dropped enough cash for a family of four to make about 5 months of house payments……… Vegas thanks you Ezo

- Most of us were up and down, except GQ that made a killing, come to think of it, Ezo should have given GQ all of the money and let GQ kick him in the nuts and called it even…….. I made enough to pay for my nightly binges and came home with more than I left with, so I couldn’t complain………