CB’s House of Porn and Pancakes

So this past weekend was my trip to Chicago for Cards/Cubs. Friday I flew up after work. My flight was originally suppose to leave at 5pm, it gets delayed an hour. I was supposed to originally be in at 6:30pm. So using logic and basic math, one would determine that I should have gotten into Chicago at 7:30, I in fact got in at 6:38pm, I guess there’s a bermuda triangle around Springfield, IL that no one knows about……… Land at O’Hare, get my bag and get on the train to go to That Guy’s place, where I was crashing all weekend. On the train I settle in my seat, look on the map and see my stop is about 10 stops away. I sit near the back of the car, not near anyone, two stops later everyone coming on decides to sit around me, including a creepy guy wearing sunglasses and a cowboy hat essentially staring at me…… I need an adult! The old guy behind me was looking over my shoulder looking at everything I was doing on my cell phone…… I get to my stop, run off the train, find That Guy’s place, it took some time, the street I needed wasn’t marked and it was raining, a little moist (I just wanted to use that word) I get to That Guy’s place, he is having a party, drop off my stuff in my room and start to meet people. I go to the fridge, open it up, greeted it loads of beer and raw meat, I’ve died and gone to Ted Nugent Heaven……. I meet a lot of fellow SLU people, but didn’t know them when I was there. I knew just That Guy there, but knew everyone by the end of the night. People asked how I knew Tom, my standard response was “We were lovers” but then would explain that was not the case, that we have a mutual friend, etc. Some of my friends that live in Chicago dropped by and some that came up from St Louis came by. All in all a great party! Most of the food was gone, the beer was about killed (except for 10 beers), poker was played, I got knocked out of poker early and coached JW on the finer points of poker strategies. I helped her stay in a little longer, but in the end she was knocked out. I turned down a few shots and passed them to T, who was pretty wasted, did the shot, clutched the chair and started screaming “Why is Chris Brennan orbiting my head.” He then takes a glass of water and pours it over his head. My work is done here……

Party finally breaks up around 6am, after we made a frozen pizza and didn’t torch the place in the process. Question, how many drunks does it take to make a frozen pizza, several as we found out, thank god for picture directions, I’ll just leave it at that. I crash on the futon, wake up around 10 am when my phone rings, it’s Rincker (who we are supposed to meet to get bleacher seats, he has our tickets) Rincker tells me he’s running late and will be there around 10:40am, I tell him “I’m going to be honest with you, I went to sleep not long ago and I think I’m still a little drunk……” He laughs and tells us to get there when we can, he’ll hold the seats for us. That Guy wakes up, I tell him that Rincker will hold the seats for us, we should get moving. I tell That Guy “My head feels like a fat guy is playing a bass drum and marching around with golf cleets…..” I take some Alieve and soak my head under the shower for a long time. Catch a cab, heading to Wrigley, me and That Guy rehash the night before. We both say “You make good decisions, you make bad decisioins, but it’s a decision none the less…….” That was said most of the night by us, I also said “Yeah I said it” whcih prompted That Guy to check on what I just exactly said and my personal favorite, I would say “I need an adult!” That Guy was still a little drunk, in fact he kept saying “I’m not going to lie, I think I have booze still in my system.” Also he wreaked of beer, impressive he’s even moving now. I just want to curl up and die. We make it to the stadium, meet Rincker, get our tickets, go in the gate, we think we are getting some sodas, Rincker informs us, “Time to get beers……” Here we go. Beers in hand, we head to the seats, it was cool, we were in the Left Field Bleachers, packed in like Sardines, sun blasting down, 100% humidity, no wind and feels like 90 degrees, I just want to die. This is the Windy City, where’s the f’n wind. There was a heckler behind us yelling at Spezio most of the game. He had some funny comments, but then it got old and stupid when he starts making “Your mom jokes.” The heckler then yells “When was the last time the Cardinals won up here?” I turn around and say “Uh, yesterday.” Stunned he looks at me and everyone around us laughs. I rule. Post game we go to Goose Island Brewery, more drinks and some food, we all decide to go to our respective homes to rest. Me and That Guy decide to keep drinking because, well why not. We head to Piece, they had live band karoke there, awesome. JW and the others were supposed to show up but the party from the night before derailed that plan. Me and That Guy have problems…..

At Piece just hung out all night, drank more beer, but got to the point I couldn’t take anymore beer so I switched to mixed drinks and inevitibly to the captain….. Good times, looked over, saw That Guy passing out in his beer and Whore decided to rip the paper towel dispenser off the wall, we decided to call it a night. In the cab, we stop at Walgreen’s so I can get some Saline. That Guy stays with the cabbie, I stumble into the Walgreen’s, thank god they are same set up nationwide, this one was just the reverse of the one I go to, get the Saline and That Guy said grab some frozen whities, because that’s a good idea when you’ve been drinking. I go up the cashier, pay him, he says “Enjoy your dinner.” Great, I look like a stoner, essentially eye drops and frozen food and it’s 2am, dude where’s my greatful dead cds? Have some whities and pass out on the futon, again.

Sunday got to sleep in, we head to the game. Good seats, 11 rows back from the first base line near homeplate. 3rd inning, Nevin fouls a ball up in the air, kind of heading our way, me and That Guy jump up, I put my hands out to catch it, realize it is really high and this is going to hurt….. pull my hands in, see it’s going to hit next to me, I decide to let it bounce, the lady next to me panics, pizza slice she had goes one way, her beer goes all over the place, ball lands near her foot, bounces, hits her shin and goes 5 rows forward. Ouch. Cards win, took the series, all is well now. In line for the L, some drunks heckle me for wearing my Edmonds jersey (he’s hated up there), I turn around when they say “Edmonds sucks” and told them “Who ended the game? Edmonds caught the line drive to end the game.” The guy went one about how “we won the battle but not the war.” These 2 girls with him were chanting something about the Cubs are #1, they were drunk. They walk off I said “See what happens when you give 18 yr olds beer?”

I had the late flight out, 10:30pm, so I get to the airport with plenty of time, thankfully no creepy dudes in cowboy hats/sunglasses or old guys looking over my shoulder. Get through security, get to the gate. Talked to TT briefly and called D because she was at a funeral over the weekend out of town. I got D’s vmail, left a message go to the bathroom, damnit D calls and I almost pee on my foot, at least she thought it was funny. Get on a packed plane, the dude a couple rows in front of me was a pimp, not a snappy dresser, literally a pimp, on his phone the whole time talking about his “girls” and prices don’t include “extras, just her company…..” Akward. Get back to St Louis around 11:30pm, got my bag around 12:30, got home around 1, watched Entourage and called it a night. Work was tough today because I was tired. Good weekend, good times, Go Cards!

One would think this is a really bad politically incorrect joke, but it isn’t, that was part of the ethnic make up of the group that weekend. So Friday came and with it was GQ, ASS, Ezekiel and Southy. GQ, ASS and Ezekiel got in early evening. Southy got delayed for 6 hrs in Pittsburgh, ouch. I met AJ, Bird and Blondie at Drunken Fish for drinks and sushi. A word to the wise, don’t drink and then order sushi, we ordered way to much! A few dirty martinis later we head to Pepper to see DJ Andrew spin. Down there we met up with TD, JD and drunk girl. Drunk Girl has an obession with TD, but won’t admit it, but wouldn’t leave him alone all night, it got to the point of funny….. We would have a normal conversation talking about something like the crisis in Israel, I would look at Drunk Girl and tell her to grab JD’s boobs, it worked everytime. I rule. After Pepper we stop by the berg, TT told us they were closing, time to call it a night……. (Side not to the story, Sunday I get an email on my myspace account from JD, whom I just met that night that simply says “Grab her boob, you suck!” I rule)

Saturday we went to the Brewery Tour, I guess I have been on it a few times because I was able to answer GQ’s and Ezekiel’s questions before the tour guy got to that part of the speech….. Post brewery we went to the hospitality room, the girls had a drinking contest, Southy was disappointing, didn’t take first…….. After the Brewery we go to McGuirk’s, sit outside, order up some more drinks, induct the out of towners into such St Louis traditions as Toasted Ravilois. Post McGuirk’s we stop by my place because they want to see it, flip on the Cards game, damnit they are losing. God is not a Cardinals fan this year……. Give the quick tour, let the brave sample some Absenith and it’s off to Brennan’s Wine Bar for a drink. 5 Bottles and a cigar later we head to Dressel’s pub for food and well more drinks. We had every intention to go to Live on the Levee, but none of us could focus enough to make it down there……….. Food hits the spot at Dressel’s, we head to Bar Italia and sit outside. We rehash the Wedding antics the weekend before, Tex shows up, animated as ever. GQ, ASS, Ezekiel and Southy decide to call it a night, we head over to Sub Zero for one more drink. I call it a night after Sub Zero.

Sunday I take the crew by work to show off the office space. GQ has to take Southy back to the airport so she can catch her flight, me and Sabestian go to Syberg’s to wait for GQ to get back from the airport. We had every intention of going to check out the Arch, but we got sidetracked with a tower of red bull and vodka and another tower with captain and coke. Not a bad pace for a sunday. I get some food to go and call it a night

So after the night of drama on Thursday, I head to the airport brite and early. I get there about an hour before my flight, check in, go through security, get to the gate, I see Buttcakes is there already. (Sidenote, Buttcakes got that nick because we were at Uncle Bill’s 24 Hr Pancake House, he ordered a combo didn’t want the pancakes and told the attractive waitress “I’ll have a #4 but cakes” we thought he called the waitress Buttcakes, so we broke out laughing, ah good times) So I tell Buttcakes we better call Tex because he was hammered last night, a minute later Tex shows up, looking deshelved and tells us he went to Blondie’s house, she didn’t let him in, shock…….. So board the plane and begin our journey. Landing in Columbus, OH we make our way to the rental car desk, the whole way Tex was singing the theme from the movie Deliverance. We get our car, a sporty Kia, yippee! Tex didn’t say what he told us in the email, “I want the damage waiver because I am going to tear the shit out of this car!” Cruising to West Virginia, I say “Say good bye to civilization boys” I had to get all of my miner jokes out of my system, the worst one by far was “What did one coal miner say to the other?” Tex said “What?” I just put my hands around my throat and made gasping noises…… Yeah, that ranks up with the Terri Shivo blog a friend sent me, the entries simply said *blink* Anyway back to story, we get to the resort, Tex decides to take the Kia sedan off roading through some grass and trees, made some tire ruts, keep in mind it’s only about 3pm. We get to the resort, check in. Not in the room for 10 minutes, Tex breaks the leg off the chair……. All because he couldn’t find his belt….. He said, “Where’s my belt? Where’s my belt? Damnit, I can’t find my belt!” He slams this high back chair forward, it breaks a leg off and almost hits me…… He was still sober, well I think…… We did the smart thing, called the front desk immediately and told them the chair broke when someone sat in it, must have been broken already…… What? I’m already going to hell for the miner joke…….. (I guess they didn’t buy our story when they came up to switch the chair and saw all the booze, they took out the chair but didn’t replace it, probably for the best, Tex was thinking of throwing the chair out in the courtyard) So we have some beers (stopped on the way to the resort to load up) and head to the reheresal and reheresal dinner…….. Reheresal was interesting, we had a less than patient priest…….. The dinner was good, I sat at the table with most of the wedding party, Sebastian and Dancing Queen ended up at a different table. Our table had GQ, his wife, Buttcakes, Tex, The Captian and Rockies. I hadn’t seen The Captain or Rockies in probably 8 yrs, I looked at both and said “I remember you guys, I remember meeting you at Mardi Gras in St Louis one year, one of you was puking in the bushes”, Captain raised her hand, Rockies pointed at Captain. Talking to those two it was funny to see how far we came. Captain was still in Army (bet you can’t guess her rank) and spent a year in Iraq, Rockies (bet you can’t guess where she lives) is married with 3 kids and a CPA, damn I feel like a slacker…….. It was funny because Rockies refered to Captian as her “lesbain lover.” HOT! Post dinner the gifts are given out for the wedding party, WE GOT BASEBALL BATS! How cool is that? We took turns signing each other’s bats, my first thought was “Great, Tex is going to bash the f’ out of our room……..” Post dinner we go to the bar to meet up with everyone else that came in for the wedding. I bought a round of 5 drinks, pull out my debit card expecting the bill to hurt, got the bill, $19.75…… I love this state! My allergies were really kicking my ass, so I decided to call it a night around 1:30am, went back to my room that I was sharing with Buttcakes and Tex. I pop in Walk The Line (we had a dvd and a flat screen) some alegra and fall asleep after 5 min, Tex comes back to the room aroudn 3am, restarts the movie and passes out, Buttcakes doesn’t get home until 5am because he went to Perkins for some pie with Captain and Rockies…….. (Not that kind of pie, perverts!)

Ceremony was good, pictures were kind of long, me, Buttcakes and another groomsman snuck out to the limo for a beer, they were sipping the beer, I slammed mine in about a minute and went back into the church, the other 2 looked at me dumbfounded as I passed them my empty can, just because I’m older doesn’t mean I still can’t drink……. I came back to the church, tired to put on my coat, Tex had switched my coat with Buttcakes, so it was pretty much “Fat guy in a little coat” routine from Tommy Boy…… Haha, f’ers, we are in a place of worship…… We load up and head to the second stop for pics. We had been drinking Captian and Cokes, Champagne, beer and all sorts of stuff. We kept playing “To the bottom” which is a game to see who can slam their drink the fastest! The winner gets a new drink! Second stop, I have to pee, GQ had ripped his pants, kids were impatient, long story short, we were a train wreck……. Me and an usher go to find the men’s room, we find the women’s room, a guy sitting on the bench says the room is right around the corner, we go around the corner, damnit it’s a brick wall, very funny motherf’er…… So we do what anyone would do, we go in the Women’s room…… At least we knocked first, went in, took care of business and left, apparently we were trend setters, the rest of the males in the wedding party followed suit. (This is what happens when I’m left unattended)

Arriving at the reception, I escort my maid of honor in, we take our seats, it was a two tier head table, guys on one side, girls on the other. I was sitting next to GQ on one side, Buttcakes on the other. Me and GQ decided to play a game, who can drink their Captian and Cokes the fastest, after that, I made a deal with myself, if I could eat my prime rib without hurling on the groomsmen in front of me, I would quit drinking for a bit……. I succeeded in not hurling and was able to eat my prime rib. My other goal that night was not to fall off the stage our table was on, again, I succeeded! After an hour or so of taking it easy, I hit the bar again. GQ makes me do a shot, we ask Bill the bartender (yes, we were on a first name basis with him, turns out he’s a Cardinals fan and was at the new Busch for the Indians series and then went to Springfield to see the Single A Cardinals play) what he recommends, he pours us some shots of Old Grandfather Bourbon, oh mother, this one is going to hurt……. We chase that with more Captian and Cokes and hit the dance floor. I get Captian and Rockies to dance because they formed a Soul Train dance line and well I needed a partner to share my humilation with when it was my turn to dance down the middle. Buttcakes dances with Captian most of the night after that, I dance with Rockies. I would dance behind her, when she would turn around I would say “Oh right, you are married, damnit!” I had fun with it, so did she because she would say “I come with a lot of baggage, married, 3 kids.” I’d follow that up with “and apparently a lesbian lover…..” During slow dances I would ask “So, I’m not going to have some guy from Colorado show up and want to kick my ass for dancing with you am I?”

Post reception we had back to the bar. Captain sits down next to me and gets me to give her a back rub, which she in turn gives the guy next to him a back rub, Rockies sitting next to him feels left out, so he gives her a back rub, so four people in a bar giving each other back rubs, what is this, grade school. So we switched and I got a back rub, sweet. We got 2 keg-a-rators for our table, I think it holds about 10 beers each. Timmy Two Couches decides to chug one that is about half full, he wears a lot of it, but finishes it. Impressive. We call it a night. Rockies went to bed early, Captian said she would snuggle Rockies for me, I asked if I could watch, she said no, even when I said I would be quiet. Damnit, no love for the Irishman…….

Post bar, some of the guys decide to go out and cause some havoc. I tell them I am going to stay behind “to bail them out.” The one seriously says “You are such a good friend” and hugs me, I know bad things may happen……. Another was wearing a white t-shirt, which 2 of the drunken trio decide the best way to darken it is by dousing him in water and beer…… Dead asleep, the drunken trio come back from their exploits, GQ had found a big bucket, got the manager to fill it with shaved ice and dumped it on me and buttcakes, dazed, drunk, confused and having the equivelant of an entire ice machine dumped on me, I sit up and was subject to the second attack, water….. My only thought is “My electronic stuff!” Phone and portable dvd player….. They were unscathed….. Finally get the ice swept onto the floor and go back to sleep. Heard Tex get up a few times and kept saying “Floor is still cold.”

We wake up the next day in time for the free breakfast, floor is soaking with water and there’s a funky smell, but nothing like greasy food and OJ to settle the system as you go over what happened last night. Tex was telling us he and GQ were chasing Deers around. I asked Tex what would you do if you caught the Deer, Tex simply said “I just wanted to punch it in the face.” Interesting answer……….. I think that’s the point where the family next to us decided to leave…….. We get our stuff out of our room, load up the car, I stop off at the gift shop to get some antacids, the girl behind the counter asked if I wanted a bag, I said “No, I’ll use them in about 2 minutes, rough night…….” She laughed, I wanted to curl up and die……

Back on the road, we stopped for Gatorade, drop of the tuxes and head back to civilization, out of West Virginia with our cornholes intact we head towards civilization………… I get a call from the groom who asks “Did you have a run in with the cops?” (it was a fair question, but this time I didn’t do it) Apparently a security guard told one of the girls in the wedding party that some of the guys from the wedding party were “doing bad things outside last night” and was trying to get some info. I don’t know if it was the drunken trio he was referring to or not. So the groom asked me to ask Tex, I figured this is a good chance for Tex to come clean, Tex of course denies any wrong doing, son of a………. Well no one was caught. No harm, no foul and appartently no West Virginia for a few of the guys………

Thursday rolls around, the night before I had to leave for the wedding in Ohio/West Virginia, I had to run some errands after work, mainly get my Tux. I had heard horror stories from others that had picked up there tux, Tex told me he got his tux, his jacket was a 58, keep in mind he is about 5′8″ and has a 32″ waist……. The tux fits fine, it just took me an hour to get out of there, 2 dressing rooms, a guy in each room, I don’t know what the hell they were doing nor do I want to know…….. Out of there, head home, pack and get a call from Tex, he wants to meet up, I tell him me and Panda are heading to Bar Louie because “I have to take it easy tonight, early and long day tomorrow.” (Sidenote: Tex is on the same flight as me) So Tex meets me at Bar Louie with blondie (they’ve gone out a couple of times), a girl he had met at my pool party, that is a friend of a friend. Sebastian shows up also. Panda decided to bail because he had a long day. So me and Sebastian notice Tex and Blondie are pretty toasty already, I was drinking Effen and Red Bull, enjoying the night. Tex would look at me and say “I’m going to get f’d up this weekend!” and high five me. Later on he would burt out “Wait until Manger sees us, he LOVES us!” (this went on all night, each time he said it, he slurred a little more) I knew it was going to be one of those nights………

I send out a text to see where people are, there’s a group at Bar Italia for International Night, I finally am able to round up the crew and go across the street. It’s hella packed! Hard to move through, looked for the group that was there, they had left. Ran into my brother by another mother (we have the exact first and last name), Blondie tried to introduce me to him, I inform her that he is infact “my brother by another mother.” Outside we find The Pimp, whose cousins own Bar Italia, hang out on the patio with him. He leaves for awhile, so it’s just me, Sebastian, Tex and Blondie. So Blondie asks Tex about his masters he just got and then asks me and Sebastian if we had our masters. We reply no and she tells us we need to get our masters because “that’s what employers look for.” Valid except in our field, IT, in IT it really doesn’t make sense, experience and certs make you more marketable, not a masters. I told her “For me to get my masters, it would be a waste of time.” We go back and forth a bit, some how Sebastian works in a comment “Yeah, well I don’t like your purse.” She gets up and walks off. Me and Sebastian were like WTF? Tex gets her, brings her back and she informs me “I’m pissed at you” staring at me…… At first I thought she was kidding, so I said she was, she wasn’t and about to cry, whoops. She informs me that her mom has her masters and is having a hell of a time finding a job, etc. So I’m thinking “Motherf’r, her mom is in IT and that’s why she’s freaking out……” So I ask what her what her mom does, she said “Teaches and counseling.” So then I explained that it made sense for her mom to have her masters because that’s a way to get ahead in that field, in my field it doesn’t make sense. So then she about breaks out in tears saying I don’t know what I’m talking about and how I’m conceited and if I’m going to be that way she is going to talk about her “billionaire friends that have helicopters.” Some how me saying getting my masters would be a waste of time because I’m in IT evolved into her mom wasted her time getting her masters……… Finally we all just apologized (I wasn’t sure why I did, it was just to get her to stop crying and I was in fact, the asshole) and we went on with the night. By then it was near closing time. This random girl walks up to our table and asks for a light. Blondie gives her some matches and we talk to girl. She starts harping on St Louis saying the city sucks, etc and can’t hold anything to San Diego. I’ve been to San Diego, it’s a cool town, but hella expensive……. I tell her I live around here and it’s a cool area. She says she lives near the beach in San Diego. I ask, “Well if you hate this town so much, why are you here?” She says she is a mortgage broker for National City, who has made a big push into St Louis. She asks if anyone needs to refinance, I tell her I am going to sell my place next year, she asks how much equity I have in my place, I tell her “I’ve been there for 4 yrs and it’s up to the mortgage people to figure that out……” She says I can call her at work, just ask for Lisa……. Yeah, I’m sure there’s only one Lisa that works for National City…….. So Tex decides to invite the random girl to sit down with us (cause she has a gi-normous chest and a tattoo on her lower back that goes kidney to kidney almost) and starts talking to her almost exclusively. This did not sit well with blondie, she just takes off. Tex realized the error of his ways…… By then it was to late. She was gone and we had to go. Outside Bar Italia we run into Cook, talk to him for a bit. We see Random Girl getting into her car, so Cook and his friend go over to talk to her. Random girl tells us she is going to Bucca and “can get us in.” Wow, you can get us into a bar on the landing, catch me, I’m going to fall over I’m that impressed……. I see she has a kids seat in the back seat of her car and that pretty much kills the fantasy for me…… I look up and I think I see Tex’s girl, Blondie in the middle of the street walking, Sebastian agrees, that’s her, so Tex runs over, throws his arms around her, looks right in her eyes and realizes that is not Blondie, but a dead ringer……… whoops.

It was at that point I decided to call it a night……….

Monday brought searing heat and of course the K.I.L.T. poker tourney…… Incase you don’t know what K.I.L.T. stands for, it’s Kenny Is Leaving Town. Kenny was throwing a final last poker tourney before he leaves for Tampa. I was excited to play with this group because it was mostly people I hadn’t played against before. There was about 13 players in Kenny’s baren apartment. The only furniture he had was card tables people had brought, a long table he “borrowed” from the laundry room, the chairs that went with that table and a couple of bar stools that he found down there also……. Kenny’s apartment is about 2 blocks from me and has a couple of window units to cool the whole place down, so with that many people, it was a little warm in there, but luck would have it, I end up in the seat that is right in front of one of the air conditioners! Kenny hooked us up a bunch of Ski Cola, which I hadn’t had in years. Ski is heavenly because it’s like Mountain Dew on Crack! It’s made over across the river I think in Trenton, IL or Breese, IL. So a nice combo of Ski and pizza does wonders for the health kick I’m trying to stay on…….. One guy wasn’t playing, showed up with a mini keg of killian’s red….. I played tight for most of the night, not really getting cards to play… 2 times I thought I was going to be hauled outside and beaten because I administered some bad beats…. Both I caught runners. Once was on a flush draw, 2 diamonds came out on the flop, a guy goes all in, I call, I got my final diamond on 5th street to beat his pocket kings…….. The other I called another all in, was on a straight draw, didn’t get my straight, but got 2 runners that gave me 2 pairs to beat pocket aces……. The blinds were going up every 20 minutes until it hit 200/400, then they capped it. That was a mistake because that made the game drag out to eternity…… When the cap happened, we had 6 players, it took 2 hrs to widdle 2 guys out. I was short stacked, went all in two times, the first time I won, the second time, fell short on my flush, but by then I didn’t care, it was 12:30am, I heard the game went until after 2am, apparently the last 3 didn’t have to work the next day, f’ers……….