CB’s House of Porn and Pancakes

So I plan another trip to Dallas, this time I avoid American Airlines like the plague. Me and Stiffy fly down there to visit GQ and Panda, who has just moved down there. We fly in without any problems, GQ picks us up, we grab a quick dinner before we head to Flying Saucer and then to Sherlock’s. Apparently Panda was in Dallas under 24 hrs and picked up a girl in Sherlock’s parking lot, good to see he’s settling in well down there……. We close down the bars and head back to GQ’s to play pool and drink from the Keg-a-rator. We finally quit around 5am, I won the last game strictly because I could stand up relatively straight to shoot….. I’m awakened by D calling me, she was wondering if I was going to the Mike Shannon’s Event, I said no, she tells me the guy she is dating was bragging about how good he is at computers, he’s a rock star, etc. and she goes on to say how great I am at computers, how I help her out, etc. I think great, first I have a girl running a background check on me, now I’m going to have some jealous bf after me, thank God I’m in Dallas….. No one in the house stirred until noon, we slowly got up, ate breakfast and went to White Rock Park. Me and GQ biked 9 miles and Stiffy ran 5 miles. Yes, we were exercising as 3 of us are part of the Fat Man Challenge, who can lose the most weight in a given time. After we punished ourselves there, we hit Fogo de Chao for dinner, I had never had Brazilian BBQ, it was frickin’ incredible! Post dinner we went to the Glass Cactus, cool place! Post bar, played pool and drank until 5am, again. Flew out Sunday, got home 30 min early, I heart Southwest Airlines……..

I’m reading this book called “McCarthy’s Bar” by Pete McCarthy. The opening chapter struck me as funny because it was in fact true:

“The man across the aisle from me has a manacing aura; and a dog-collar. He may be a priest, but something about him - the way he seems to threaten violence even while asleep, perhaps - makes me suspect him of being a Christian Brother. From the age of ten I was taught by the Christian Brothers; the carrot and stick method of education, but without the carrot. My first school report said : “Peter is an unpleasant and frivolous boy who talks too much and will never make anything of himself, but he does take a punch well.”

Going to a Christian Brothers school, the education was good, but the first day of High School, the Brother teaching Algebra told a student not to do that when he yawned out loud, the student said “Do what?” The brother started punching him in the head saying “Don’t talk back to me or yawn out loud.” He punched with every word, good timing…. Honestly he was a great teacher that pushed me, not beat me, but I will never forget that first day………..

So I meet this girl, let’s call her BD. She’s a friend of a friend. One day I get an email from her, simply has my blog url (on blogspot), so I ask her if Quoth had told her about that, she said “No, I googled you.” I didn’t think much of it as that si what all the kids are doing these days…… She then tells me how she’s running me through the Mo Courts and sees that I’m in dispute with my landlord over $2000. I told her that’s not me, that’s another CB……. At this point I tell her “I’m not going to lie, this freaks me out a little”

Makes for a good story later……..

So the plan for about 15 of us was to decend down to Dallas for New Year’s to GQ’s house. 10 made it, five of us got stranded in St Louis thanks to American Airlines and mother nature. Apparently Dallas is in the midst of a 2 yr drought but that day they got hit with huge thunderstorms, heavy rain, lightning, tornado warnings, etc. Most of the later flights were canceled. Before they announced our flight was canceled, they told us they were flying a plane up from DFW to pick us up and fly us to Love Field. So to kill time I brought Jackass Number Two, that killed the dull moments until the gate agent gets on the intercom and says “The flight has been canceled, no other flights are available due to the New Year’s holiday, the earliest we could get out is possibly Sunday, but more like Monday. The hotels are all full, we can’t help you, it’s best if you just leave.” Taken back we go get our luggage and head to the link to take the train back to the CWE. Back at my place, Sebastian combs the internet looking for any flight to get down to see dancing queen, while Dr KFO talked to an unsympathetic AA customer service rep who essentially said “We don’t care, here’s your refund.” We watched the rest of Jackass and headed to Syberg’s. Sebastian found a flight on Southwest and flew out the next morning. Me, I sent a text out to everyone saying “In St Louis, American Airlines sucks.” Got a flurry of texts back and calls. Cosmo Boy gave me the hook up at Mandarin, worked perfect it was right up the street. He also said they are going to Nectar, A was going to be there and to come by and say hi. The next day I called AA customre service line to get my money back, told the lady “Every time I fly you guys with the exception of once, it was the worst experience of my life. I gave her several examples and she apologized, I got my money back, but that was it.” The normal tradition of NYE Day lunch was thought to be skipped this year as everyone but me and Farns were here. Farns convinces me to go and keep the tradition alive, so 4 or 5 yrs running now……

NYE Night starts off at Mandarin, I get there, wandering through the crowd, run into a group of friends I hadn’t seen in a long time, funny sidenote when they walked in they said “I wonder if CB will be here?” Talked to them for awhile, went over to Cosmo Boy’s section, hung out with everyone, was drinking double, seeing triple, midnight rolls around, the lady next to me plants one on me at midnight, as she walks away, my buddy leans over and tells me, “That was the playmate of the year from 1986……” My first thought “I was 11 when she posed, awe-some!” Everyone needs a cougar story……. A quick shuttle ride down to Nectar, find A, wish her a happy new year, hang out with her most of the night, she leaves as the bar is clearing out. I’m hanging out with Cosmo Boy and some others, the bouncer tells Cosmo Boy that one of his friends is at the door, he goes to the door, looks back and yells “CB, take care of this” In stumbles one of my friends, Bagger, bloody face, tie and shirt a mess. I said “Holy crap, what happened??” The bouncer said “He fell” I left it at that. I take him to the bathroom to clean him up, the one owner came in to check on him, apparently Bagger outside was yelling he was going to sue the place, etc, etc. We call Bagger’s girl, whom he lost next door, apparently he was pretty drunk and she was avoiding him. We find her, get them in a cab and send them on their um way….. I talked to the owners, said “Don’t worry, he’s one of my fraternity brothers, he’s drunk, he doesn’t know what he is saying” They ask what fraternity I was in. I tell them, turns out they are in the same one, different chapter, even funnier they were part of the chapter that helped install ours originally….. Small world. So I text Bagger all that. He said the next day at the time he felt like an ass, when he got my text he felt like a bigger ass…….. Shuttle shows up, I go home and pass out around 4am, good times, my boys in Dallas were still going………..

A week or so later Bagger had a party to celebrate getting his master’s, Cosmo Boy told me that he can do the after party at Pepper if he likes…….

So it was time for the Annual Holiday Party on Wheels, this year featured a 30 person bus, with hardwood floors, leather benches and most importantly, a bathroom on board….. The stops this year were:

- Mandarin (CWE)
- rBar (Grove)

- Lucas School House (Soulard)

The night started off at my place for the pre-party, we drank a lot before getting on the bus. Mandarin we had our own section, beers and shots a plenty, the belligerent drunk wanted to steal one of the Asian art head scultures. I told him he wouldn’t have a chance to get it out of there and talked him out of doing that, apparently that would not be the last time that night I would need to do that……. Off to rBar, they took care of us, cheap drinks and got us right in the door. A few shots and I couldn’t feel my feet. Last stop of the evening was Lucas School House. Ran into the teach there. Scotty Mac was spinning downstairs and a chill band was playing upstairs. Cool vibe, but we could only be there for 30 min as our time on the bus was running out. Loading up the bus, the belligerent drunk tries to take the valet sign on the bus, I had to defuse the situation. We ran Stiffy and some of the others to his house near there, Dr KFO throws a No Parking sign on to the bus, why not, it was the end of the night. The ride home turned into a big dance party on the bus. Someone dropped some major ass in the back of the bus, I was up front and everyone surged forward like rats fleeing a sinking ship, I didn’t know what was going on until the stench arrived……. Back at my place was the post party, a lot of the the booze and all the food I had was devoured. I checked over the bus to see if anything needed cleaning or anything was damaged, there was not a dry spot on the bus, so many spilled drinks……….. I tipped the driver $150 for being a good sport and not caring about the no parking sign….. I walk back to my place to let all the drunks in for the post party, apparently my one friend was peeing in the bushes on Lindell, someone walking their dog yelled at them “Do you live here?” He replied “What? Do think I’m homeless?? Of course I don’t live here, that’s why I’m doing this……” Walking up to my building I see the No Parking sign, I tell Buttcakes to get rid of it. I thought he would just run it out to Lindell and dump it, instead he drags it across the street and dumps it behind the Cathedral. The post party ended around 7am, i know this because I woke up around 6am to Tex yelling about something to the Belligerent Drunk, who by the way had been throwing little candy bars at Buttcakes saying he wanted to do it…… I finally rustle everyone down to Syberg’s for lunch, I leave as Tex and the Belligerent Drunk were ordering their second tower of beer…….. Apparently they kept going until midnight that night….. My place was trashed, a lot of booze was consumed……. Everyone agreed that was the drunkest they had ever been for that party…….. I guess the bar has been raised for next year……..