CB’s House of Porn and Pancakes

Yes, weekend…..

So this past weekend was Sleazy Rider’s bachelor party. Friday we started out at our home away from home, Syberg’s. Grab some beers and then head east…… to Fairmount Race Track for Party in the Park, $1 beers and the sheer joy of betting in America’s Most Corrupt Race Track, God I love Southern Illinois! So I pretty much lost every race but one, the one race I didn’t bet on… Son of a….. Well at least the beer is cheap and the people watching was even better…. Plus those a-holes wouldn’t let me bet on the Ambulance or the Taurus, both were on the track, I’m sure they would have entertained that bet in Vegas……. Upstairs we were hanging out, betting, a shot girl came by, we bought shots from her and AJ threw out the question “What do you think a cougar is?” She said “uh a Woman’s Vagina?” Tex without missing a beat says “No, but I like your thought process!” We explained “COUGAR, not cooter!” She didn’t know what that was. We all were throwing back some beers, I look over and see Sleazy double fisting, in his defense, it was last call. Me, Tex and Vince find an open table and sit down, just happens to be next to a whole “den” of cougars. One cougar asks Tex to take a pic, so he says “on 3, say COUGAR! 1-2-3″ The group all yells “Cougar” and the one girl makes the claw swipe motion as she growls like a cougar. This was the point where you see the night starting to go downhill, it’s like you are on a roller coaster going uphill, you hear the clack clack as it’s going up the hill and you reach the crest of the hill, you look down and just see it’s a straight drop, to hell, that was where the night was going, all I could do is strap in and make sure my health insurance was current…… So after the track we head to Sundecker’s on the landing, it’s a great dirty little bar, much like it’s patrons. Heading from the track, an unexpected arrival of an out of state groomsman who just graduated the Marine Corps, he’s on his way to California and can spend the weekend with us, yes, I see the flames of hell from the top of the hill……. We park on the landing, all start telling old landing stories of our stupider days, ok, we were younger, that’s about it…. Walk into Sundeckers, NO BODY was there. We head out to the deck and make quick friends with the girl behind the bar. I have no idea what her name was, I remembered it then, but that brain cell that contains the information has sense died in the great battle of intelligence vs alcohol. We were her only real customers and by far the loudest people in the bar. Shots started flowing, Jager Bombs detonated, more jager, some other shots, Tex singing his favorite power ballads from yester year, the girl behind the bar asks about his shirt he’s wearing “What’s Skid Row?” she asks. The expression on Tex’s face was classic, it’s like he just watched her kill his family in front of him. He was stunned. But true to Tex form, starts busting out Skid Row ballads at the top of his lungs. A guy near by comes over and joins in the air jam rock symphony called 18 and Life….. By this point other Sundecker employees came out to hang out at the bar. We asked our new friend what she thought a Cougar was. She said “A school mascot?” Oh to be 22 again….. time ticks by, more beers, more shots Sleazy declares “No sleep ’til Brooklyn!” Crap. Tex tries to do an air guitar move and falls flat on his ass taking out a plastic car, everyone laughs. Sleazy has to go the bathroom and opts for the trash can next to the bar, he pulls it off without getting busted. Tex decides to write his phone number down for the girl behind the bar, he starts to write his number, gets midway through and looks at me and says “What the hell is my number??” I help him out after a little difficulty of my own finding his name in my phone, instead of her giving him her number, she gives him her email address. We all call her out saying “That’s a brush off move!” She explains if you email her 2x, you get her number. I asked “What is that, like a prize?!?” Walking to the car we encounter to super drunk and super young looking girls. Sleazy says to the one, “Vince will give you a piggy pack ride to your car” Vince points to me and says “He’ll do it.” The girl excited asks if I will. I said “Is there any money involved?” No she says. I said “Have a good night!” I don’t know if that is what upset them or the fact we kept referring to them as 19 yr olds and a member of the group who shall remain nameless kept saying “Let me see your 19 yr old boobies” (I think you can guess who said that and no it was not me!) So we venture over the river (again) past the “Discreet Motel” past the tranny street walkers to the Wild West of Ballets, the Rox. Mother Nature was calling all of us and we had to answer, but some dude in line in front of us didn’t have his ID and wouldn’t leave, finally he did, we pay and break for the bathroom. Relieved I got to the bar, as one guy referred the girl behind the bar as “Skeletor” I didn’t know if I should tip her or give her a sandwich, Meth is a hell of a drug! I find an open seat and sit down, half the group leaves, the groom and another guy flee to next door because of Skeletor, so me and Vince have seen enough tattoos and knife wounds, we go next door, cause that’s always a good idea. In PT’s Brooklyn, I see a few of the guys sitting there, I join them, a ballerina sits in my lap. Says “Do you want to go upstairs to the bar and conversionate?” WTF? Sure, what the hell, girls trying to use big words are funny. So I spend about an hour and a half upstairs hearing this girl’s life story, her real name, of course I give her my “stage name” Hi, I’m Seamus. She tells what part of town she lives in, how much her mortgage is, how long she’s been dancing there, how many kids she has, how she doesn’t like the “rules”, etc. I don’t set out for this, it just happens. Tex calls me asking where the f’ I am, everyone thinks I’m in the champagne room, I tell him upstairs bar, come up if you want. He barely knows where he is. Sleazy set out to see if he could get thrown out of the bar, again. Actually he never has, but it’s a game he likes to play, because well the entertainers are dead inside…… Chatting with her, I call her out, she says I’m so cute and easy to talk to, I say “I feel like I’m at Hooters where the girls will tell you they are so happy you are here because everyone else is boring, etc, etc.” She says she isn’t like that and said she wants to get my number, oh it’s become a game/social experiment to see if she is after the stumbling irishman or his wallet. I’ll let you decide which you think is the right answer. So to be nice I get a dance from her, she keeps saying “Let’s go to the bedroom!” Uh what. She explains it’s $370 for 1/2 hr. WTF?!? I’m on a limited budget I tell her. They take all credit cards she says, she won’t let it go. A break, she has to go up on stage. Sleazy by this point is done, it’s almost 5am, he says “I have to get home before sun up or I’ll turn to dust!” The girl gets done dancing, I tell her “we are leaving, do you want my number?” She said “I don’t have a pen, ask the bartender” Bartender tells me they don’t have any pens, wow, that makes doing credit card transactions a bit tricky! She said ask the door guy, I tell her “give me your number I can call you” She balked, said “Come up here tomorrow night.” I said “I figured you were that way, have a good night!” Stop by Syberg’s to get my car, Tommy T had written “I like little boys” on my dusty back window, f’er. Chuckle, wipe it off because in the end, I’m still a 17 yr old that finds humor in immature things like that and fart jokes.

Saturday I wake up around noon and am about as useful as a one legged man in a butt kicking contest (to quote my high school teacher). I call Tex and see how he’s faring, he’s still drunk and looking at houses with Tommy T. Awesome. I get a call from the teach, she wants to go up to the Taste of the CWE, seeing it’s up the street from me, what the hell, but the thought of booze makes me green….. She meets up with one of her friends, they both grill me about this guy the teach’s friend had met, what I thought, did he sound shady, etc. The answer was of course, yes. Don’t get in to deep with that guy, he sounds like he’s playing you, etc. Like most other girls I give advice to, she probably won’t listen, at least it gives me that “I told you so” moment followed by the awkward silence. So after taste I go to my parent’s 50th Wedding Anniversary. Huge accomplishment, amazing feat and time for me to give his liver a break and get my wits about him. I meet up with some of the guys at Humphrey’s because Grandpa Zick was in town. We threw back beers and talked about our college days, mostly Zick stories, ah how time flies. It was weird, we saw about 8 people kicked out, 4 for being to drunk, a few more didn’t have legal ids. Granda looked up and noticed a skylight and asked where that came from. Me and Vince laughed because when we were graduating, it was noticed that night before graduation. Funny was we realized there was another skylight no one had noticed, we really should look up more often…. I called it a night around 1:30am.

Sunday rolls around, back to Syberg’s for food, stories and then to the baseball game! Tex sits down next to me and says “What the hell is this???” and pulls out the email the girl had given him at Sundecker’s. I busted out laughing because it’s essentially Blondes Have More Fun abbreviated. I chuckled. We load up with food and head to the game care of Kevin the Shuttle Driver. We get to the game, bleacher seats! We are all struggling, smell like a brewery and the family of 3 next to us really looked like they were having a miserable experience. In our defense, we weren’t offensive, loud at times, when Pujols hit the HR’s, we’d chant OLE! OLE! OLE! OLE! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE! Jump around and high five. There was a group of girls on the other side of the family of 3, these girls talked a lot of trash, but knew their stuff, so that made it fun. They were all tatt’d up and pierced, I guess that’s what you do in Cali, layout at the beach and get inked. I really thought we’d lose KFO because these hill billy’s behind him, yes that’s the best way to describe them, they said they were “from Western Kentucky” I guess they don’t want to be lumped in with those uppitty Eastern Kentucky folks. Anyway KFO was wearing a Cardinals shirt that was sort of velvety is the only way to explain it. They were petting it and asking about it. At one point I heard the one tell him in a heavy deliverance-esq southern accent “You’re my dawg, I like you.” Oh God, make sure there’s nothing that cab be used as lube around…….. Post game back to Syberg’s for food, I go home, fell asleep on the couch for about an hour, woke up at 7:44 pm, I was dazed, confused, not sure where I was and thought it was Monday morning at 7:44 am. It took me a minute to get re-orientated, then I realized it was still Sunday. Awesome, time for the Sopranos! Read my other post on that. Ridiculous!

Sucked! David Chase you owe me an hour and five minutes…… Just because you couldn’t come up with ending you can’t take the artsy interpret your own ending…….. Ass

So I decided to join a boot camp my friend started, after deciding to get into some other shape besides out of or round……. The first session was what was referred as test day, run a timed mile, see how many sit ups you can do in a minute and how many push ups you can do in a minute. Well needless to say this Irishman was not nor still is built for speed…… I ran about 1/2 mile, had to walk a bit because well I couldn’t feel my feet, which is normal when drinking, but not when you exercising….. Walked until I felt like running, so I started to run again, I finished at the blazing speed of 13 min and 30 seconds. I blamed the traffic, not my out of shapeness…. (the boot camp is outside downtown, we had to run by the Stadium) Sit ups was next, I knew I was in trouble already, sweating like a prostitute in confession, breathing like a pervert on a 1-900 line. I do the situps, 33 in a minute, not bad, wow my abs hurt and I’m a sweaty mess. Push ups next, that was bad, I was done by 10, I know, I’m a little girl….. After that, my body pretty much said check please and I was left for dead through the rest of the session. The instructor, my friend, kept asking if I was ok and even follow up called later to make sure I was in fact ok….. I had committed to bettering myself, so I showed up for Round 2, did a lot better and noticed the more I went to the camp, the better I felt, and after the second session I wasn’t road kill on the side of the road after the camp……. What is nice was every session (2x a week for a month) is different, it wasn’t the same every session. The last day brought test day again, to bench mark our progress. So I ran the mile, shaved 30 seconds off my time. I increased my sit ups by ten and did roughly 23 more push ups… Big improvements and my blood pressure dropped drastically from 120 to 108…. I figured I didn’t die this round, I’d give my friend another chance at it, I signed up for the second session. First day, you guess it, test day. I chopped another minute off my mile run, and increased the sit ups and push ups a little. It is a big difference working out with machines than having to haul your own weight around…..

I’ve lost some inches, but the real casualty is the damage to my beer gut that I spent all of college working on…….

If you are interested on joining the boot camp or want more information, contact Fit City

fitcity1-fitness@yahoo.com

If I can do it, anyone can, seriously…..