CB’s House of Porn and Pancakes

So this past weekend I headed up to the Windy for That Guy’s 30th Birthday. I rode up with J and I, all week the emails going back and forth between the four of us was pretty comical. That Guy said “Don’t forget to bring games and snacks for CB as he tends to get bored and whine on long car trips.” I replied with mentioning to That Guy to take the pots and pans out of his oven this time so in our drunken blur we don’t pre-heat the oven and almost burn our hands removing the pre-heated pots and pans…… I, otherwise known as the responsible one, said she would bring games and juices boxes for me and also some ointment for our fingers when we repeat burning our hands trying to make a pizza again… So I swings by and picks me up on Friday and we drive to J’s work, pick him up and head on our way to Chicago. They have a cooler in back with some sodas, water and a juice box for me, I rocks! Driving up I asks where I want to go for lunch, I said “I’m not picky, whatever works.” She asks J, J doesn’t care, tells her to pick, I has a rule about stopping at a fastfood restaurant that is connected to a gas station, J makes a comment, I responds with “Don’t argue with a pregnant woman!” I’m half listening and I look up and say “whoa! what did you say??” She said she’s pregnant, I reply “Wow, that’s awesome, who’s the father???” That draws a laugh from J. Yeah, I’m that guy….. So we stop at McDonald’s, eat lunch and keep on heading to Chicago. That Guy would text me asking “Where are you?” I’d reply “In a car” I’m so clever…… We get to Chicago in good time and then get snarled in traffic, get to That Guy’s apartment in time to ride over with him in a cab to the bar where his party was taking place. The way over That Guy said “It’s best we take a cab, we are all drinking a lot tonight.” Oh was he in for a surprise. So we go to Mother Hubbard’s, a good little sports bar, a lot of That Guy’s friends/co-workers were there already, they had many buckets of Miller products…. So me and J order a bucket of Select, we asked if we could get 4 selects and 2 O’Doule’s for I. I starts drinking her non-alcoholic brew waiting to see if That Guy would notice. He walked up, was talking to us, finally That Guy made a comment to I by saying “Tonight we are sharing a bed”, J chimed in “You can’t knock her up more than she already is!” You could see the wheels turning in That Guy’s head, the girl next to me says “Oh my God, is she pregnant?!?” Then That Guy does what most normal people do, say Congrats and hug her…. So the night is cruising along, we go through more and more buckets, Buckets in Chicago $24 each, OUCH! I buy That Guy a shot, because after all he’d had probably 9 shots and a bunch of beers already, I got him a Red Headed Slut shot. Do the shot, talk to one of his co-workers, she’s engaged, I had just ordered another bucket of beer, asked if she wanted one, she said “No, I only do shots”, I of course reply “Do you have a sister?” Again, I’m that guy, just without the shirt…… Pizzas are being passed down the line, a guy at the next table says “Can you guys pass the sausage back down here, there’s a girl that’s craving some good sausage.” Oh god, I have to bite my tongue because I don’t know everyone here…… Then another comment “Where’s the sausage, this girl can’t get enough sausage.” Why must God taunt me…….. Thank God, the sausage pizza is passed back to the girl wanting some sausage…….. Talking to another of his co-workers, she’s from New Mexico, all night she had been giving me trouble about my lack of support for Miller Lite……. So she flags me over to her table to meet her husband who just showed up, meet him and then she goes on to ask why I don’t like Miller Lite. I tell her it’s the taste, I like the High Life, you know, the Champagney of Beer……. She starts to tell me how she grew up in Los Alamos and that was the first beer she had drank, etc and started to tell her the story, I asked her how that was, what her dad did, etc. I told her about how I met the head of the D.O.E., she looked at me funny, I said Dept of Energy, she said she had never heard anyone refer to it that way. Well next thing I know it’s been about a 30 min sidetrack on the conversation and I still don’t know why she prefers Miller Lite….. What can I say, I have a gift of the Blarney…….. The night is winding down there, as most people are starting to leave. We get the bill, $800+, wow, not as bad as I thought, but we only have collected $180….. crap. So I look at my damage, I had 2 buckets and 4 shots, that’s uh, oh crap $100. So I pitch in my share, everyone else does, we don’t see if the tip is on there or not, one girl puts it on her credit card and keeps the cash, bill paid we are finishing our drinks and are going to head to a different place for karoke, cause that always makes sense when you’ve been drinking. J and I head back to That Guy’s place as I was getting tired, which she made it to about 11:30pm, not bad at all! We are getting ready to leave when the manager comes over and talks to That Guy, the manager asks if everything was ok, because apparently there was only a $7 tip. Opps. So That Guy gives the tip. We head out to go to Blue Frog. At Blue Frog we found $2 PBR, but it was wall to wall people there, so we head to Wells on Wells. We all pile into a mini-van cab, I’m in the way back, a girl sits on my lap, someone said it’s a short ride, I said “No worries, take your time.” Arrive at Wells, That Guy knows the bouncer, we all go in and of course head to the bar, got a bunch of drinks and we got a table, by this point all the beer and shots, after a beer or twelve That Guy starts fading fast,English is replaced with drunken mumbling…… So me and That Guy head out. Walking back to his place was entertaining to say the least, walking along he takes out his cell phone and it shatters into 3 pieces, it took both of us to reassemble it. Walking along, we run into a couple obliviously on a date, they are walking slowly talking, then the two drunken idiots come walking up behind them….. That Guy starts complaining about how slow they are, so he walks into the road, gets ahead of them, turns around to face them and says “This is how you walk” and starts heavy stepping on the sidewalk….. Ok, time to go…… We get back to his apartment, J and I had left the big flood lights on dim so we could see when we walk in. That Guy starts going on about the lights. I start to get out what I’m going to sleep in and see a bouquet of flowers from his mom on the table, had a big balloon tied to it that said “Happy Birthday”. So I started making fun of that, I heard us come in and heard our drunken ramblings, she heard That Guy say “no your Mom” and then me replying “Hey, my mother is a saint!” After that it goes quiet as That Guy passed out in the chair and I passed out on the couch. It was a pull out couch, but to much effort for me to pull out the bed part, so I just opted for the couch……. The next day we head to get breakfast and head to Wrigley Field, we had tickets for the bleachers, it was Cubs vs Diamondbacks, good game, long game. It was Carlos Zambrano bobblehead day. We arrive at Wrigley and start drinking around 10:30am, game ended around 4pm, Cubs lost and my liver and kidneys were losing to the Old Style….. We head to That Guy’s friends place and proceed to play bags (http://www.playcornhole.org/how.shtml) 4 hrs and about 36 beers later we decide we are pretty much done as the sun is setting and my face is a glow with sunburn…. Seriously it hurt when I thought…. Another comment about I and That Guy sharing a bed and J chimes in with “You can’t shoot a dead horse.” We go back to That Guy’s apt to bbq on his roof and hang out…… We were done by midnight……. Sunday we grab breakfast and head back to St Louis. I seriously think I did some severe damage because I was pretty absent minded for 3 days…… More absent minded than usual that is!

So it’s been a month since I’ve posted on here, the biggest news is I’m currently “gainfully unemployed.” It happened on June 28th, a Thursday, which I thought was a bit odd, but whatever. The only draw back was the next day was my parent’s 50th Wedding Anniversary, so all night I was barraged with questions. Everyone always asks me “are you doing ok?” Uh yeah, I don’t have to work and I get a check, severance rocks! Currently job hunting, so we’ll see how it goes…….

Now, on to the antics:

So Fourth of July was coming up and my buddy did his Top of the Met party to view the fireworks. Me and TD head there, enter the party and head right for the bar. He orders a beer, $6, I ask how much a mixed drink is, $6, well that solves that, vodka tonic please! Many drinks, we are running around, run into creepy guy who asks me repeatedly if my one friend is coming to the party, she’s not I tell him, repeatedly….. Very creepy! The fireworks start to launch, watch for a bit, walk through the party some more, run into SF, tell her about my pool party, she asks if she can bring some friends, I say sure and follow that up with “bring your boyfriend if you want.” She said “I don’t have a boyfriend” my reply “So you are saying i have a chance!” Yeah, I’m that guy…… Actually it wasn’t me, it was Seamus, he had been drinking heavily……. Post party we head to Pepper Lounge. There we run into Cosmo Boy, who gets us in the VIP section, a bottle and then leaves us, cause that’s always a good idea….. So it’s me, TD and Cosmo Boy’s intern. The intern brings up a couple of girls he knew, they all just graduated college. One girl sits down next to me, chatting with her she asks what I do, I said “We’ll I’m currently unemployed” TD chimes in that I’m “gainfully unemployed” and I explain now I know what it’s like to be a burden of the state, not work and still get a check, unemployment rules! We go through the bottle, I think there may have been another bottle I’m not sure. Somehow at the end of the night I end up with 3 email addresses. The girl I had talked to all night, she’s Croatian and asked me to pronounce her last name, somehow I slurred it correctly…. I rule, now I need to go home and die…….. Happy Birthday America!